Monday, July 31, 2006

Rice Nearly Eaten Alive—Returns To U.S.

Sending Rice to sate two war-torn Middle Eastern countries appetites through a peacekeeping effort failed miserably and has many political gadflies calling this America’s latest political embarrassment.

Rice returned to Washington this week with her tail between her legs after Beirut officials announced she would likely become the main appetizer if she were to step foot in the Capitol because of her cease-fire veto.

"I knew I was about to get my own damn ass kicked so I decided to get the hell out of there and work from home," Rice said.

Critics say the only good thing Rice managed to negotiate during the time she spent there was a one day air strike ban allowing relatives to recover the bodies of family members killed in last weeks bombing of a building, which killed more than two dozen innocent victims, 17 of who were children.

Both teams agreed to keep their rocket launchers parked temporarily but have upped their ground troups in order to continue to pummel the shit out of each other on the ground.

World wide anger against this botched peace effort rose to a fever pitch after this latest bombing in the tiny southern Lebanese town of Qana where those with no other place to go sought refuge.

In order to save face Israeli officials apparently borrowed a page from the Bush administration, who in 2003 sent thousands of troops to Iraq to destroy that country’s weapons of mass destruction which of course was later discovered not to actually exist.

They claim they were completely justified in this attack of innocent people citing that the building that was destroyed was a housing facility for Lebanese munitions.

One distraught family member who refused to be identified said this excuse to cover killing innocent people is just another attempt by the government to incite civilians in such a way that they will lose any sense of sanity, pick up a gun and join the battle.

“Of course we sent our children to hide in a building full of bombs and guns and other munitions because we knew they’d be safe there, give me a fucking break,” he said. “Somebody fucked up and for those of us who have suffered insurmountable losses in a war we don’t agree should be happening are now being forced into combat to avenge the death of our family members--it’s how army’s are created here.”

He went on to say that ‘although I am a peaceful man you can only be slapped around by a bully for so long before you decide that it’s time to slap back’.

Lebanese officials would neither confirm nor deny this allegation, but did report that this newly arisen conflict has exponentially increased the number of soldiers currently fighting.

While the 'did not--did too' argument rages on OVER THERE, here at home, military leaders are currently trying to figure out how to divy up American battlions equitably in order to join in what is commonly being referred to now as World War III.

“As soon as we receive the funding that had previously been allocated to the now veto’d embryonic stem cell research program, we will begin deployment to the Middle East,” said a spokesman for the department of defense.

“We are a country who thrives on stirring other peoples soup and with the possible resolution in Iraq coming over the next year, we will shift much of our focus to this new crisis to keep our young men and women employed—it’s the American way.”

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Florida's Dirty Little Secret--Not In My Neighborhood

Politicians in Orlando, Florida have banded together to rid their City Hall neighborhood of unsightly homeless persons by banning everyone from feeding them.

Many of those who depend on the kindness of others for food, shelter and basic necessities have been banished from within a 2-mile radius of City Hall so that visiting dignitaries and residents, who now occupy upscale housing in the area, will not be subjected to the constant begging often associated with these pesky vagrants.

"They're dirty and disgusting and we don't want to have to step over them on our way to work," said one city official. "We have a reputation to uphold and if misleading the public into believing that we've solved the homeless issue based on the fact that you don't see them hanging around here then that's what we will continue to do."

Using the 'out of sight, out of mind' mentality, officials are hoping to follow in the footsteps of Las Vegas's ban on feeding the homeless to draw in new home buyers to help offset the decrease in Orlando home sales currently down 29 percent from the same period last year.

"We're working on the theory that what you don't see won't hurt you," said a spokesman for the mayor. "We suggest that if residents feel compelled to feed someone or something that they feed the pigeons instead, because unlike the homeless, we can shoot them to eliminate the problem and no one will give a shit."

The American Civil Liberties Union has stepped in on behalf of the homeless and is expected to challenge this ordinance in conjunction with a multitude of religious organizations.

Rather than imposing a ban they are asking the city to accommodate this growing population by providing a proper facility where the homeless can go to seek food and shelter.

"We don't think moving garbage dumpsters closer to the 2-mile boundary qualifies as a new feeding station."

Update: A lawsuit has been filed in Las Vegas on behalf of activist groups who have banded together to overturn this ridiculous ban.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Deep Throat Flooded With Suitors

A 25-year-old woman in Missouri faced her boyfriend in court this week after he was arrested on suspicion of first-degree assault.

The couple, who have been together since 2004, had apparently been drinking heavily before a heated argument broke out that left the victim, Melinda Abell, with a cell phone stuck in her throat.

Prosecutors and defense attorneys for the couple argued as to whether the boyfriend actually shoved Abell's cell phone down her throat in a jealous rage or whether she swallowed it on her own in an attempt to hide recently dialed numbers to other men.

A hospital spokesman said the young woman is expected to fully recover from her injuries.

"She was exceptionally lucky that her mouth and throat were large enough to accommodate the cell phone and still have enough room to allow air to pass through to her lungs," the spokesman said.

Abell, nicknamed deep throat by the press, said because this case has become so widely publicized she has been inundated with phone calls from hundreds of men in her hometown and some from as far away as Europe who are hoping for a chance to wine and dine her.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Blow Up Doll Sates Women's Nocturnal Desire

For years women have been forced to limit their driving time to the hours that fall between dawn and dusk because they fear being solo in their cars at night.

According to a study, nearly 82 percent of women won't go out after dark if it requires them to be alone in their vehicle, but one enterprising UK company is poised to change all that.

Sheila's Wheels, one of the UK's fastest growing all female run insurance companies, has come up with the perfect solution that will allow more women drivers to feel safer while negotiating night time driving hazards such as sexual predators and perverts and every other creep that comes out during the darkest hours.

'Buddy On Demand' is what company officials are touting as 'the perfect travel companion' for women who either want to or need to drive after dark, and offers the additional bonus of getting more female drivers into the car pool lane.

The strikingly handsome male blow up doll is flexible enough to fold up and store in a car's glove box until needed, and once positioned in the passenger seat, is easily inflated with the flick of a switch.

"He's really the perfect man," said a spokeswoman from Sheila's Wheels."Unlike a real male passenger whose ego is likely the only thing to be inflated, Buddy is truly a great listener from the moment you flick the switch all the way to when you've had enough of him and pull the plug to deflate him."

The companies decision to further enhance the doll's ultimate utilization by making him anatomically correct is what they're betting on to boost sales.

"We released the Buddy prototype to the public earlier this week and the phone has not stopped ringing," the spokeswoman said. "We've already received thousands of orders from women all over the world who have to drive at night for work, but so far the greatest number of orders have been placed by women who not only don't drive, they don't even own a car."

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Virginity No Laughing Matter At PBS

Fearing future problems, possible lawsuits and complaints from red state children, PBS fired Melanie Martinez, the host of the PBS Kids Sprout's "The Good Night Show" after she revealed that she had appeared in videos called "Technical Virgin" Saving Yourself.

The two videos, which spoof PSA's about how young women can keep their virginity, were shot long before Martinez was hired to host the PBS show where she uses a puppet to lull children between the ages of 2 - 5 into a dreamy state shortly before retiring for the night.

Executives feel that the repercussions of such 'virginal' promotion would only serve to deter many of these young viewers who spend a huge amount of time each day searching the web without their parents knowledge for various sexually oriented websites in pursuit of becoming better educated.

"We here at PBS do not promote virginity in any form," said a spokesman for the show. "The audacity of this actress telling young women how they can hold onto their cherry longer than need be is an act against mankind and cannot be tolerated, especially now that we know that her puppet moves had an ulterior motive all along."

Martinez, a stage actress and mother to a toddler, was surprised by the immediate firing and had this warning for others who may fill her now empty host seat.

"Keep your fricking mouth shut," she said.

PBS announced they would replace the show temporarily with reruns of "Lassie" but are expected to edit out any show related to the dog being in heat during mating season.

JBLA To Return Thursday

Due to a power outage on my street I was forced to take a short hiatus. Our power just came on at 1:56 p.m. today and I have yet to look through the news for anything I believe is newsworthy.

I shall work diligently later today for a post, which may or may not appear today, but I guarantee it will appear by the early morning hours tomorrow.

Thanks for all who came by expecting to see something new, my apologies!

For those looking for something over the next few hours--you're shit out of luck-- because I'm only staying in the house long enough to finish emptying my smelly fridge and freezer of all things edible (or were edible) that have now gone bad. Once that's done I'm off to swim for a few hours until the air conditioner can bring the inside temps down from 94 degrees.

Hope all are staying cool, refreshed and entertained throughout this blasting heat wave.

Till tomorrow,

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Audio Blog

this is an audio post - click to play

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Sex Workers Protest Injures Several Bystanders

Respect and honesty are not words often found synonymous with the city whose trademark slogan is 'What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas'.

Prostitutes, strippers and those who work the streets recently protested on the steps of the Las Vegas courthouse to demand respect and legal protection and to overturn the new anti-human trafficing laws that restrict their freedom and right to work in this illegal profession.

"The idea behind protecting sex workers has to go beyond sleeping with a cop who keeps his gun belt on while lolling about in bed with a prostitute," said one official who was betting on this rally to win him recognition in his bid to gain a seat on the S.F. Board of supervisors. "What this really comes down to is taxes and whether or not the government can get their hands on them."

It is expected that the Sex Bill, which will look at all the issues related to and in conjunction with protection laws for employees of sex-for-money, will go to Congress sometime later this year.

Although this local event got off as organizers expected, it ended up garnering worldwide attention after several innocent bystanders who accidentally came upon the scantily clad protesters while on vacation or business trips suffered a multitude of injuries due to sensory overload and had to be hospitalized.

One man, who the previous evening had ingested a Viagra pill, had to be rushed to a local trauma center for emergency treatment.

"I thought I'd gotten it all out of my system last night but when I saw that gigantic mass of mammory glands gathered all in one place I sort of lost control and kept hurting myself as I tried to make my way closer to the front of the crowd," he said. "I was sticking out like a sore thumb so to speak and I guess all that rubbing and bumping gave the old willy a good thumping--it was quite embarrassing."

Another tourist from Italy said doctors told him that it could take weeks or even months to regain normal use of his eyes.

"They opened so wide I thought my eyeballs would fall right out and now they're stuck open like this," he said. "I know I'll catch shit from my wife back in Italy because she's seen this happen once before shortly after the girl that lives next door had her boobs done. It's going to be pretty obvious that this trip was not all business."

Hospital officials said that most of the injuries were not as life threatening as originally stated, that most were only superficial.

"We saw a lot of calloused hands that only required a little cream."

Las Vegas Police Chief Seemore Poontang denied allegations that their department used unnecessary force in dispersing the unruly crowd.

"It was not a free for all as news reports stated," Poontang said. "Our officers were explicitly instructed to use as little force as possible to move the protesters out of harms way but when you're in a crowd with so many bare breasts and tight little butts hanging out it's difficult not to cop a feel whether intentional or unintentional."

Saturday, July 22, 2006

I'm Back

JBWritergirl was on a short vacation in Vegas where she lost her money and her shorts (of course what goes on in Vegas stays in Vegas if you know what I mean) and will begin posting again on Sunday.

"Although I took a moment for this brief respite from chores and kids I was able to get the story that no one reported on in regards to the sex workers protest," said JBWritergirl. "Perhaps this is when the shorts disappeared but I am not at liberty to discuss the issue any further until after my date with the judge."

Since you can see the time of this post I will respond to your comments shortly as soon as I can find another pair. HEE HEE!!!!!


Thursday, July 20, 2006

Stem Cell Veto Leaving Many Feeling Blue

U.S. President George Bush took on a new role today as that of a joykiller when he veto'd a bill that would fund future embryonic stem cell research.

"Oh grow up for God's sake," Bush said. "If God wants you to stop shaking or get out of those chairs he'd give you the power to stand on your own two feet, besides we have a war going on and another we're about ready to jump into and the money we save on healing all your sorry asses will go towards military personnel and bombs."

Signed in private chambers away from the eyes of the press, Bush emerged with a victorious look on his face and spent several minutes gathering dozens of small children to stand in front of him in an effort to thwart any physical threats to his life.

Those politicians standing behind Bush's veto agree that the responsible thing to do is to save those who have yet to be born and let the devil may be for those who are currently alive and suffering, and whose only hope of living a better quality of life might just arise from this kind of scientific research.

"These people are already worn out and broken so we need to save the next generation who will likely come up with a better solution to this needed cure."

Many Americans who have suffering from diseases such as Parkinsons or injuries, and whose possible cure has just been waylaid, were disappointed by this decision.

At their own press conference held shortly after the president's a spokesman representing one organization whose main goal is to keep the research going released a statement to the press.

"For the past 5 1/2 years under this administration we had held onto a small sliver of hope but after today's decision...we're all feeling rather blue."

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

California Beaches A Real Gas

The heat is on in Los Angeles and many residents are seeking relief from not only the rising temperatures but the sooty smoke filled air caused by the raging wildfires in the mountains of Yucca Valley.

While many residents will head to local parks to make use of public pools and indoor facilities millions of others are willing to take a 'crap shoot' at some of California's most polluted beaches.

One young man identified only as Pedro due to his illegal status said he spends as much time as possible hoping to catch a little of the bad shit so he can make use of the public health care system.

"I try go see regular doc but they not see me for I have no money," Pedro said. "I get a little ocean water in my belly for free then see doc at hospital and they fix my gas problem and everything else that's wrong and it not cost me nada."

Pedro is not alone in his quest to keep cool while enjoying the benefits of free medical care.

A joint study by the University of California-Los Angeles and Stanford University has found that more than 1.5 million people are infected by the bacterial pollution, which causes gastrointestinal illness whose symptoms include stomach cramps, diarrhea and vomiting.

Annual healthcare costs are estimated to lie somewhere between $21 million to $414 million, and because the largest population in Los Angeles cannot afford swimming holes of their own officials say the numbers are likely to rise.

"What's wrong with these fricking people who are not using any common sense?" said one official who declined to be identified. "If you see a piece of shit floating in front of your face in the ocean or come upon an area that has been littered with medical cast offs such as hypodermic needles and trashed body parts get the hell out of the water and stay out of it."

While the risks of getting sick rank high there was one rather large group from Weight Watchers who claims the benefit of such infections keeps their digestive systems fully functional without the added burden of spending countless dollars on fiber laxatives.

"When the shit hits the fan...the shit really hits the fan," said one participant of the WW group. "I can drop nearly eight pounds a day after a romp in these contaminated waters."

This problem has become a global concern and officials at the White House say they will step in if California's Governor Arnold Schwartzenegger cannot contain the amount of pollution draining off into the coastal waters.

An official press release from President George Bush was released to the media early this morning, which made it clear how the plan should be implemented.

"What they need to do is get Arnold to get business to stop draining their shit into the ocean, and it's over."

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Hooters Chairman Found Tits Up

Robert Brooks, whose name rose in the headlines after he became chairman of the 'Hooters' chain of restaurants, was found dead in his home in Myrtle Beach on Sunday, according to authorities.

Brooks, whose penchant for chicken wings and large breasted women gained him millions of fans across the nation when he decided that his servers would all be female and would have to meet certain cleavage requirements, a 'C' or larger bra cup size, in order to get hired.

Police say although they have no solid leads in the case they are working with clues found at the scene.

"We found a 'Nearly B' sized bra along with a shredded job application in close proximity to the body and are working to track down the owner of the lingerie," said a spokesman for the Myrtle Beach Police Department. "We believe that this may not have been a premeditated act, moreover, we believe it was an instantaneous act of rage by a prospective employee who was unable to meet his hiring requirements."

Police are requesting the publics help and are asking anyone who sees a flat chested braless woman walking around to contact them immediately.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Police Oppose Skanky Underwear

In a study released this week researchers have found that what you wear can make all the difference in the world for many women when off for a night on the town, according to officials in London.

Police agencies across the country report they've had it up to their eyeballs--literally--when called to the scene of a bar or private party where female drinkers have imbibed in one too many beverages.

"It can be a really gruesome sight when you arrive and you see an unconscious girl sprawled out on the ground where their skirt has shifted upwards of their bottoms and their legs are splayed this way and that, especially if they've not recently been waxed," said one male police officer shaking his head to dislodge the visual picture from his mind. "If we could somehow get across to them that we don't enjoy viewing their ugly old granny panties, which I have to say are sometimes very well worn, it would make our job a lot more pleasant."

In an unprecedented move, Scotland Yard announced that it has pulled funds from their emergency reserve terrorism account in order to purchase twenty thousand pairs of thong underwear from the Victoria's Secret catalogue, which officers will then be able to carry and distribute when they go out on these calls.

Although London Treasury officials would not comment publicly on this controversial expenditure, the Chief of Police did release this statement about the 'Undercover' project, which is expected to begin shortly after a thorough inspection of their counter terrorism products.

"We feel this form of human terrorism should be fought diligently and we believe it will improve the moral of the entire police department well beyond our expectations."

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Healthy Lifestyle Shanks Mental Health

For many people, going without has become a way of life but some folks are now wondering whether self-inflicted deprivation is as good for the mind as it is for the body.

As technology reaches its peak in the health industry physicians are more likely to hand you a list of things you should avoid in order to extend your life expectancy but are failing to address the slew of mental issues arising from lifestyle changes.

After a recent visit to a doctor, one 60-year-old patient in California, who has spent the last several years following the recommendations of the health industry, was taken aback by his doctors comments and is now considering reverting back to all his old bad habits.

"I recently picked a new primary care physician and after two visits and dozens of lab test he said I was doing fairly well for my age," he said. "I was curious whether or not he thought I'd live till eighty so I asked him."

He said the doctor then asked him a slew of questions including whether he smoked or drank, whether or not he ate red meat, whether he spent too much time in the sun playing golf, sailing, hiking or bicycling, whether he gambled too much, drove too fast or had sex too often to which the answer to each was no.

The doctor finished his notes then looked at his patient and shook his head before asking him one final question.

"Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 80?"

[Editors Note: Take the poll in the sidebar to see what others link about giving up everything they've ever thought was fun.]

Saturday, July 15, 2006

Fishermans Wharf Going To Pot

San Francisco's progressive attitude towards sex, drugs and rock and roll have been highlighted in the news for decades but now some are questioning whether this very attitude will bring a new class of undesired elements to their famous Wharf.

While 56% of Californians voted to pass Proposition 215, a bill which allows the use of medicinal marijuana under medical supervision, it is becoming apparent to city officials that many local residents don't want a 'pot dispensary' at one of the cities biggest tourist attractions.

"Oh yeah, this is certainly gonna make this area a big tourist attraction," said one disgruntled neighbor. "We're going to have every sick mother f***er that visits San Francisco hanging around this 'joint' venture. Next thing you know they'll put a f'ing Wall Mart in too."

But, while many see the dark cloud presented by this issue others see it as a way to increase commerce in the area not only by the pot sales themself, but by the influx of independant 'medical' experts who are flocking to the area looking for lease property hoping to get a piece of what many believe will become a cash-cow.

"I feel it's my responsibility to provide this kind of medical support," said one doctor whose brand new store boasted a sign in the window that reads 'Pain=Pot=Pleasure'. "If I can't provide my patients with this kind of relief they'll just go somewhere else, so why the hell not."

Friday, July 14, 2006

Depression And Obesity

Millions of people across the world are considered to be fat and jolly but researchers have recently debunked that theory.

The study, which involved more than 9,000 adults, suggests that being fat or obese causes a variety of mental disorders including mood swings, anxiety and depression, not to mention the expense of constantly having to buy larger and larger clothes thus causing financial problems to top everything off.

One look in the mirror is likely to send the over-eater off on a tangent according to one scientist.

"The great misunderstanding for most overweight people is that when they see those fatty bumps appear they figure that if they eat more the dimples will fill in but that, as we all know, is a fallacy," he said. "So they eat and eat and eat their way to obesity and this upsets them."

Other reasons overweight people are heading to therapy or their medicine chest is due to lame comments made by those who do not suffer from this weighty affliction. Comments such as 'you have such a pretty face', 'you remind me of one of those beautiful renaissance paintings'or 'you have such a great smile', are all meant to avoid the obvious become equally as damaging to a person whose self esteem is already being challenged.

Since the release of this study, many are asking the one question on everyone's mind.

Is Santa Clause really a jolly old soul? Not according to him.

In a rare interview Mr Claus stated that his weight issue is in fact the reason he only leaves the house once a year.

"I'd stay in that day too but the Mrs needs a little space once in a while," Claus said.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Owner Will Trade Ferrari For House

Following the lead of another young man who traded a paper clip for a house, one Southern California resident, is hoping to trade a bright yellow Ferrari for a house, which in turn will be sold to raise funds for the ASPCA.

So far he has been offered a trash compactor, valued at approximately $100, in trade for the car but is waiting to see if someone out there has a better offer.

You can visit his website and keep track of how he is doing by clicking on the above link, 'bright yellow Ferrari' highlighted in blue or use the link in the sidebar *yellow toy trade*.


In breaking from tradition this post is in fact completely true! EGads!!! However, I would like to help this young man get this effort off the ground so spread it around to as many people as possible.

PS: If anyone wants to trade me a face life, lifetime gray hair removal, liposuction or become my lifetime personal trainer in trade for a previously loved nail file--feel free to respond to this post.

Hubbard Recently Seen 'Cruising'

Celebrity births have captured the headlines over the past year offering the paparazzi a feeding frenzy.

Among those rich and famous are some of the most watched stars of today such as Gwneth Paltrow, Britney Spears, Reese Witherspoon, and of course the recently born Jolie-Pitt babe just to name a few.

Although the world has been sated by photographs of these new little darlings, people everywhere are still waiting with bated breath for proof that the alleged new daughter of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes born on April 19 of this year really exists.

Known as one of the most famous Scientology junkies, Cruise, who in his mid-forties somehow snagged his 27-year-old partner Holmes and shortly after announcing their engagement went on to announce their pregnancy.

But people are curious as to whether or not Baby Suri, whose alleged birth weight of 7 pound 7 ounces and whose current age is approximately nine months short of a year, really exists because there has been no photo's offered to the public as of yet. Even some of their closest friends have yet to catch even a glimpse of the newborn.

"I went to visit them in Malibu recently but didn't see or hear anything that was indicative of a child in the house," said one celebrity that wished to remain anonomous. "But while I was there I did notice a door which had a sign posted on it that said 'Do not disturb, Hubbard in the cubboard' but I'm not really sure what that means."

Some movie insiders are speculating that they are planning her first public appearance will coincide with her acting debut in a re-run of the controversialSouthpark scientology episode, which is slated to re-air sometime this month.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Croatia's Art Installation To Prohibit Illegals

Tensions have mounted across the nation in response to the growing illegal immigration problem. While America has settled on it's own simplistic solution to blow their heads off shortly after these undocumented hooligans set foot on American soil, other countries have found a more humane way to deal with the problem.

In an effort to keep out the bad while keeping in the good, Croatian officials have devised a plan to alleviate the potential threat of illegal immigration in their tiny seaside country.

A massive effort is underway to surround the countries borders, which stretch nearly 2,500 miles, with a spool of red thread, under the guise of art in hopes it will thwart any attempts by those trying to enter illegally.

"We are sparing no expense," one official said. "It's a long process and is a mass effort but when all is said and done we believe it will be enough of a deterrent to keep those sneaky little bastards out."

Along with the thread, volunteers have been working round the clock in an effort to produce 57,000 tiny signs that say "Stay Out", which will be attached at 5 yard intervals along the thread route and will compliment the tiny silver bells armed to ring in the event of an illegal entry.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Name Change Halts Ridicule

After 19 years of ridicule a Vietnamese boy has finally been granted permission to change his name.

The boy, one of five siblings, has had to live with the name Mai Phat Sau Nghin Ruoi, which when translated means Fined Six Thousand And Five Hundred.

His father said he chose the name because that was the amount the government fined him for surpassing the 2-child per family limit, which was implemented to control the population.

The father, Yu Dum Asshole, named after his father and grandfather, said at the time it seemed appropriate because it symbolized how society had taken over the lives of the citizens restricting everything in their lives from consumption of goods to intimate sexual relationships.

The boy was allowed to pick what ever name he wanted with the blessing of his father and was all smiles after leaving the courthouse.

The boy, now called Fuk Yu Asshole, reportedly said that this was a name that would always remind him of his youth and his dad.

Monday, July 10, 2006

Twins To Run Poland

Suffering from a case of work overload, Polish President Lech Kaxzynski announced he would be appointing his twin brother to the position of Prime Minister regardless of how every political oppositionist felt.

He said running a country that has fallen into constant turmoil with the rest of the world gave him little or no time to rest or spend with his family and having an identical twin working closely at his side filling in for him at certain events would allow him to skip a day here or there.

"Let's face it, I'm tired and some days I just don't want to get out of bed," he said. "The fact that no one can tell us apart was just too good to resist."

Saturday, July 08, 2006

Mental Health Syndrome Not Caused By War

In a newly released document, government officials confirmed they have released more than 1,000 soldiers currently serving in Iraq and Afganastan due to what they describe as a personality disorder.

According to the Army's surgeon general who was quoted as saying "there is something very demanding and tough about being in combat", they feel that those being released for this disorder before completion of their duties were fucked up long before they were deployed to a foreign country to fight in a war where they were likely to be killed or maimed.

In trying to battle this syndrome the Army says it has deployed more than 200 mental health workers who will try to see the nearly 500,000 soldiers currently serving during this combat.

Critics argue that these early releases did not take into account several important factors that may have led to these personality disorders such as the language barrier, having to constantly shoot complete strangers, dodging air missiles, avoiding roadside bombs, or sleeping in a hole in the ground with one eye open surrounded by temporary friends who at any moment could be wiped off the face of the earth.

One soldier who recieved an early discharge due to undue stress, or what the government officially told him was a personality disorder, said it was a relief to be home and away from all that noise.

"It's good to be home even though the images of massive graves, body parts scattered all over the ground or remembering the look in someones eyes right before I put a bullet in their head still haunt me," he said."My mom went out of her way to spruce up my bedroom closet when she knew I was coming back because she figured it was small, damp and dark enough to make me feel right at home."

Thursday, July 06, 2006

President Hits His Prime At 60

Preparations are underway at the White House to help celebrate President George Bush's birthday tomorrow.

Officials invited several thousand guests to the event, which will take place on the lawn in front of the President's private residence in Washington.

Due to security reasons it was suggested that no gifts were to be brought to the White House.

North Korea's president Kim Il Sung said, although he was very disappointed, he had to pass on the party invitation due to pressing business but assured Bush he would send his gift airmail although he could not pin down the delivery time.

"It's just a little something to eat, something very special from our country," Sung said. "The best part is that you don't have to bake anything you just have to nuke it."

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

U.S. Launches Bird Flu Into Space

In what appears to be an attempt to stave off the Avian Flu NASA officials reportedly placed several batches of bird crap on the rear wing of the recently launched space shuttle.

"With all the publicity about a bird flu pandemic with it's predicted deadly outcomes we felt it was in the publics best interest to shoot the shit into outer space," said a spokesman for the scientific group.

NASA officials would not confirm or deny they misled the public when they announced they'd discovered a crack in the foam on the exterior of the shuttle, but as it turns out it was just a ruse to buy more time, according to newly released information.

It has since been confirmed that Dr. Byrd Crow, a specialist in Avian research who works in conjunction with the Meteorological Aeronautical Avian task force, was brought in several months ago to create a plan that would lure the birds to shit on the shuttle then head directly into the path of on coming air traffic eliminating the possibility for them to further contaminate the ecological system.

"Migratory birds are capable of traveling thousands of miles over a short period of time and with them comes these awful diseases they inherently carry," said Crow. "They have become a menace to society and developing the technology that would enable the space program to carry their deadly droppings as far away as possible is a viable , feasible and reasonable plan."

Crow said project 'Crap Shoot' is expected to continue over the next several years or until such time as these shitting, disease spreading creature are obliterated.

Alcohol Crimps Writers Brain

A blogger who wished to remain anonymous, recently attended a July 4th bash where she downed several margaritas.

The consumption count is still under investigation but witnesses say it was estimated to be one too many.

After an official check up from a personal physician, the blogger was advised to get plenty of rest, drink plenty of water and avoid any alcoholic beverages during the next several days.

"I don't know why I did it but I did it good, or bad depending on how you look at it," the blogger said. "My brain is just kind of frozen right now and has produced an unusual writers block but I'm sure it will pass sometime later today."

Editors, although not amused by the situation, took into consideration that stress and deadlines of news writing have driven many writers to hit the bottle on occasion.

"We believe this is likely the specific cause for this brief alcoholic respite."

Monday, July 03, 2006

Hey Fat Ass Get Off The Couch--Is This Acceptable Language?

The debate continues among researchers, doctors, and parents as to whether or not it's okay to tell your lazy-assed overweight child that they're obese.

In a recent report it was noted that this growing problem is becoming an epidemic of epic proportions and the likelihood of children developing diseases such as diabetes is increasing at an alarming pace.

Some doctors claim that the difference between diagnosing an overweight child versus an obese child is difficult.

"Do I tell the kid they're just a little too fat or that they're on their way to a pine box if they don't stop shoveling food into their fat little mouths?" said one confused pediatrician. "It's really hard to say anything especially when their mothers or fathers are in the room and their asses are as big as a barn door as well."

Others argue that the two categories, overweight and obese, are one in the same regardless of the scientific language that describe the two conditions.

"If I see a kid come into my office who is busting out of their clothes I can pretty much determine that they're too fat regardless of what category they fall into," another doctor stated. "This black eye is proof that no one likes to hear bad news but I feel it's in my patients best interest to be blunt."

Some parents however will argue that because we live in a world filled with stress and intense challenges stuffing your face or, as some politely call it 'self-medicating', has become an acceptable practice.

"Rather than hurting my child's feelings or risking damage to his ego I circumvent the whole issue by using cute words like 'dimples' when I ask him to pass the chips," said one mother. "I know I could use derogatory words like 'lardo' or 'chunko' but then I risk losing the chance to share whatever it is he's eating."

The debate is expected to continue over the summer with a recommendation to be released sometime in the fall.

Breaking News Headline: Crack Found In Shuttle Foam

Rumors spread rapidly throughout NASA Headquarters this morning that the crack found in the shuttle foam was put there on purpose as a ploy to get the shuttle off on a 'high' note.

No one was available for comment at time of publication, however police said they would conduct a full investigation to find the prankster.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Happiness...Can You Buy It?

A new scientific study released in June claims that money can affect one's happiness level.

The study based on the survey of 909 employed females, suggests that those whose income was less than $20,000 per year were less happy and spent more time being in a bad mood than those who made $100,000 in the same time frame.

One predominant psychotherapist who wished to only be identified by his first name, Sigmund, had this to say.


While interviewing people from both income levels it was discovered that the study was in fact a fair depiction of how people related to their position in life in as far as how much their income affected their daily life.

"Oh sure, I love to drive around in a piece of shit car with no air conditioning here in Los Angeles where temperatures can get up over a hundred degrees during the summer...nothing could make me happier a$$hole" said one woman who's income was estimated to be around $17,000 per annum. "Yeah having to choose between feeding my 12 kids or putting gas in the car always puts me in a bad mood but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do."

She said she's had to make many sacrifices along the way including forgoing medical aide for her family, having to spend countless hours rewriting the signs she holds up at freeway off ramps begging for spare change and constantly having to dumpster dive in hopes of finding something she can bring home for dinner but, added her mood had recently brightened since she landed a second job as a pharmaceutical saleswoman, which will help finance her tattoo habit.

Those interviewed who were in the upper financial spectrum, meaning those who's income was beyond the $100,000 mark, all agreed that having a shitload of money kept their bad mood at bay almost always.

However, one little rich girl flat out disagreed with the study. The source of most of her mood swings--her two Ferrari's, one red the other a brilliant yellow.

"I'm always in a bad mood because when I want to rip a little rubber with my car, you know, really get it on and get it up there to blow off steam after a long day of shopping, there's always some poor asshole driving some piece of shit car with no air conditioning in my way."
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