THE "NOT-SO" NEWS/JBLA: August 2008

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Road Crews Begin New Campaign To Fuck With Commuters

California road maintenance crews have long been the bane of freeway travelers and have had to tolerate belligerent drivers, speeders and any other ass that travels the long slew of freeways that traverse this large state.

Today however, they have found a way to enact a little revenge of their own.

When asked for an official statement their spokesman had only one thing to say, "Nener, nener, nener."

Saturday, August 30, 2008

New Water Laws Save Time And Money

With water conservation at an all time high many folks are being forced to turn their creativity on in order to help them save water and money.

In order to meet new county ordinances the woman pictured here said it was a no brainer when it came to how she could cut back her water consumption, especially when it came to laundry.

"I think this just proves that you can actually throw the baby out with the bath water providing you hang them out to dry immediately."

"I kill two birds with one stone bathing my child fully dressed," she said. "The child is clean, the clothes are clean and not only does it save water, it saves a hell of a lot of time because there is no undressing or redressing to worry about."

She said the drying time depends on the weather.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

It's No "Wonder" For Bra Manufacturer

Women are often found searching for a way to enhance their life but when it comes to bras one has to 'wonder'.

"This is a golden opportunity for me to get ahead of the pack so to speak," said one woman who wished to remain anonymous. "The only problem is that sometimes it puts you so far ahead of the pack that it can cause bodily damage if you turn to quickly or don't pay attention to how close you get to things."

Critics of the wonder bra however say that this is unfair advertising and suggest that each of these products come with a warning label that states 'contents may appear larger than they really are'.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Go Ahead, Push My Button

Manufacturers of a new device say that it is now possible for woman to have longer, better and far more intense orgasms just by pushing a button. This is good news for many women whose partners are not only couch potatoes in the living room but in the bedroom as well.

Recently released in the United States, 'Slightest Touch' is designed to stimulate the bodies sexual nerve pathway.

According to the manufacturers instructions you just strap it onto your ankles after drinking an electrolyte drink and you're off to the races, however, since there is no need to touch the genital area the product maker cautions this device should not be used when operating a moving vehicle.

They also caution that you should follow directions completely because if you apply the patches in the wrong direction all hell will break loose with your toes.

They do not rule out using it at the movies, the grocery store or while enjoying a diner out providing you are able to conceal it beneath your clothing.

The device is suitable for most, but cautions women taking anti-depressants, women who are pregnant, and those who have heart problems not to use the Slightest Touch. This is good news in regards to availability since statistics say that nearly 85% of women are or will be on anti-depressants by 2009. Happy shopping ladies!

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Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Chair Manufacturers Busted

A federal lawsuit has been filed against a chair company this week. The suit claims that the design is faulty and has caused an excess of embarrassing moments for many of the claimants.

It is expected that the manufacturers will file an appeal with the superior court claiming that women should be in control of their anatomy not chair makers.

They are however offering a settlement deal should the suit go forward. Officials of the company said that they will replace their clients existing chairs with a heavier duty one that is fully weaved at the top.

"We want our clients to have complete confidence in our products and are working diligently to improve the design to eliminate the sag flaw," said C. D. Cup, a representative of the firm. "We want women to be able to hang out without really hanging out."
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