THE "NOT-SO" NEWS/JBLA: April 2007

Monday, April 30, 2007

Bloggers Unite For Peace

One Day Blog Silence


it is not the silence that unites us, it is the words spoken over and over by billions of people around the world every day who hope one day we can find a peaceful place to co-exist.

The words are for victims everywhere in the world, for soldiers who need our voice because they are couragiously working in silence, for victims of senseless violence, for abused children too young to stand up for themselves, for battered wives who've lost hope, for students now afraid to attend school, for people seaching for a better life outside the realm of their borders.

Yes, pictures speak a thousand words but a voice speaks volumes.


If you have something to say, leave a comment here or leave me a voice mail (in the sidebar) to let others know how you feel!

[Banner courtesy of Mo at It's A Blog Eat Blog World]

Sunday, April 29, 2007

New Voice Mail Comments

Always on the look out to make this site more interactive, I've added a new feature in my sidebar so I and many other bloggers can now find out what you sound like.

Give it a whirl if you dare!

Saturday, April 28, 2007

"Take It All Bitch" Term Removed From Dictionary

American women tired of getting the short end of the stick, have been flocking to Longshuihu village in the Shuangqiao district of Chongqing in Beijing.

It's not the food, nor the beautiful surroundings that are drawing them to what is being hailed as the world's first "Womens Town", it's the power over men they find so appealing as well as the towns motto "women never make mistakes, and men can never refuse women's requests."

One female employee from New York who had become so disenchanted with her loud mouth demanding male boss was one of the first U.S. citizens to arrive in Women's Town.

"I don't have to take this shit anymore and I can kick ass any time I want if a man steps over his boundaries or gets out of line and feel really good about it because it's part of my new job description."

Women that have often been kept down a few rungs on the ladder to success are finding 'legal dominance' puts them smack dab at the top of the food chain.

"The fact that we're in control and can punish a man for not paying the right kind of attention to us, for making bad gift choices, or making lame comments to us, is really quite satisfying," said another woman who recently went through an upsetting divorce. "Even though we have such places in America where women dominate men like they do at the Moonlite Bunny Ranch in Nevada, there's more pleasure here because it does not always come down to sex, although that's not a bad thing because the sex is somehow more gratifying when you're getting what you need."

Many of the women making the long journey are fed up with the American mentality of 'doing it all' and find this new lifestyle quite appealing.

Another women in her early 40's said that she'd grown weary of the looks she's recently been getting from her male partner. Having not aged all that gracefully she found that daily life had begun to chip away at her self-esteem and she was ready for a positive change.

"If I frickin want to walk around in my moo-moo, a cigarette hanging out of my mouth and curlers in my hair without someone making some kind of snide comment, this is the place to do it because I can get immediate satisfaction by punishing the deed the moment their mouth opens."

It is expected that thousands of American women will make their exodus to Beijing in the next few months and that places like this will become more common place around the world.

Many are predicting that should we see a women take the President's spot, this trend will sustain rapid growth in a very short period of time.

Friday, April 27, 2007

Hog Heaven: Be Careful What You Wish For

The smell of bacon sizzling on the stove these days may give consumers reason to pause after the government released information about what these hogs have been feeding on recently-recalled pet food that contains the chemical Melamine.

More than 6,000 hogs across the United States have been fed a steady diet of this tainted food since the re-call and some officals believe it has now bled over to several poultry farms as well.

"Our first clue that the chickens were becoming infected was when we discovered we couldn't break the shells on the eggs they were laying," said one farmer who agreed to take on the bad food in order to save a little money.

Melamine, used commonly for producing whiteboards, floor tiles, kitchenware, fire retardant fabrics, and commercial filters makes it the perfect chemical for industrial applications so it's no wonder many are asking the same question-why is it being put into pet food and why are they introducing it into the human food chain?

The recent recall has left most pet food isles at many markets nearly barren and many pet owners have resorted to making their own food. This has also had a major impact on senior citizens whose pensions and medicare benefits suffered major cuts.

An unidentified spokesman for one local manufacturer has tried to defend their position on why this additive seemed like a good idea at the time. He said it was done in hopes of making animals stronger and more durable.

"If it doesn't kill them, it can only make them stronger," he said.

But this information does not bode well with informed consumers.

"Are they fucking nuts" was a comment that rung out loudly across the nation.

The affects are already being seen across the U.S.

In California this week one unsuspecting family had to be hospitalized recently after experiencing unusual bowel movements.

"Last weekend our family had a pork loin roast for Sunday dinner," said the father who wished to remain anonymous. "It seemed to hit me the worst. Four hours after we finished eating I felt something odd happening in my stomach and went to the bathroom. Well, when I looked into the bowl afterwards I saw all these little brownish tupperware like containers floating around."

Little is know about the long term affects of injesting Melamine but one thing is certain, if you consume it on a regular basis you'll no longer have to fear stray rays from microwaves.

"That's the upside of this bizarre chemical scare," said an official from the Center Of Disease Oddities. "Someone could actually put you in a microwave and it won't hurt you because you will develop a tolerance for high heat very quickly."

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Drug Makers Find New Niche

If Fido is wagging his tail to the left these days you might want to sit down and have a talk with him or at the very least schedule a visit to your local pet therapist.

Researchers recently released the results of a study that show dogs are as affected as humans when it comes to things that disturb or displease them.

"It shows there is truly an animal-human link where emotions are involved," said one researcher. "A dog wags his tail to the left when it's apprehensive about what it sees, much like a mans penis, which when put into an uncomfortable situation will usually shrink up into the body cavity much like a frightened turtle."

The comparison further proves that when put into a pleasant situation such as having your belly rubbed, or running around with a beautiful bitch, the tail shifts towards the right side much like a man's penis does when he is so moved by something it will harden and stand at attention, he added.

Working on the theory of 'what's good for the goose is good for the gander' one drug company who already mass produces anti-depressants for humans has found a new cash-cow and has begun mass producing Prozac for dogs of all shapes and sizes.

The beef-flavored chewable tablet will be called 'Reconcile' and promises to move your dog through any emotional crisis.

"We decided to release this new product now to seize the moment so to speak," said a representative from the firm. "Timing is everything and because of recent pet food recalls we know that many animals are honing in on their owners anxiety when it comes to meal time. Taking advantage of a consumer who will spent enormous amounts of money on keeping their pet healthy is a sure thing for us and we expect to make millions on this."

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

PSA (Not for pay)

Every day a child goes missing.

Do your part and sign up for Free Wireless Amber Alerts Sent Directly To Your Cell Phone. Maybe you could save a childs life.

Planet May Become Inhabitable

Scientists revealed this week that they've discovered an orb in the solar system that was at one time a perfectly funtioning planet with more than 6.5 million inhabitants.

"The photo's from our satalite show that there are water sources and signs of nature such as trees but it appears that excessive weather, global warming and a certain global economic gluttony has taken its toll on this mid sized planet," said one researcher. "We're spending more and more of our efforts trying to determine whether or not we can make it environmentally friendly again."

Researchers have spent millions of dollars and hours over the last few decades trying to determin how the onset of destruction occured and how it will affect the planet over the next several decades.

According to reports, there was a time when the ozone layer completely sealed the environment, somewhat like when you zip up a baggie to keep things fresh.

They say that the onset of certain gases that poison the air is the result of industry and technology, which was quickly advanced after the discovery of the wheel. This single factor has changed nearly every aspect of possible life on the planet.

It is believed that the dicovery of automobiles not only changed the surface appearance of the planet, it created much of the mental illnesses that caused the human demise.

"We think people just drove themselves crazy, literally until they just couldn't take it anymore," said a researcher in California. "As new vehicles were created, getting larger and larger, the whole planet became a gridlock and industry had a hard time keeping up with the demand for resources such as oil."

New research is expected to be released next year and will determin whether or not the planets atmosphere will improve after governmental changes take place.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Pot Raids Continue To Baffle Culinary Experts

Local police have been stirring the pot so to speak over the past month in and around Los Angeles.

Dozens of raids perpetrated by law enforcement have netted thousands of seedlings whose street value is estimated upwards in the millions of dollars.

"This is just something that we can no longer tolerate," said one city official. "We feel that it's only a matter of time before these illegal growers will step up to the plate and turn over a piece of their profit, however, until such time, we will continue to bust them."

Many chef's around town feel this is unfair. The consensus is that the government has no say in how or when they grown their own pot.

"It takes eons for these tiny little aluminum or steel seedlings to take root and we have no other option except to grow them inside near the kitchen where we can monitor and care for them," said one chef who was irate because it has forced him and many other local cooks to stir fry everything in old woks. "It's not our fault that China has had a glutton fest on all our steel resources. We feel we've been forced underground to the point where we must conduct our business in a covert manor."

According to statistics, it takes a little over nine months for a seed to mature into a full grown pot. The process is extremely tedious, especially for those particular pots that must undergo a copper graft on the bottom to protect the contents from excessive heat, according to one source.

Union officials say they are in talks with many of their culinary members who are ready to dish up their own heat until police back off and the city stands down.

Restaurant patrons are also feeling the brunt of the pot raids. They say that no matter what they order, if it's cooked in a wok it tastes like Chinese food regardless of whether it's a steak or a loin chop.

"I feel I'm being pressured to feed myself using chop sticks in order not to offend the chef," said one customer who at last resorted to the children's chopsticks which are easier to use. "I can only hope that the government will see fit to leave these pot growers alone so we can eat in peace."

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Saturday Update

For any of you following my backyard project, you can see what I've been up to over the past week in the right hand side bar in the second photoshow. It's been backbreaking but well worth the work. The furniture is ready to be picked up and the fountain got installed today even though it is the wrong color. They will be back to add the right color next week.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Gas Prices Continue To Rise

Gasoline prices have been steadily increasing over the past year.

With only a few weeks showing inconsistant reductions only to be followed by skyrocketing increases, consumers are begining to look to alternative transportation.

One company who would not disclose their identity said they are seeing a substantial drop in regular customers due to these increases and are laying the blame on what many refer to as a glutonous economy under the current administration.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Theft Blamed On Feeling Shitty

In Florida earlier this week a 61-year-old woman claimed that her irritable bowel ailment caused her to shoplift from a local grocery store.

She told police that she felt like shit and could not wait in line.

Authorities said that while the woman did not resist arrest she did keep deputies at bay for a period of of at least five minutes outside the market while she expelled an odd colorless gas.

She was arrested and released after posting $500 bail.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Fat Is Not Phat Anymore

With so many people suffering ailments such as diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease and respiratory related illnesses due to obesity, it seems rather unfathomable that certain cultures would choose massive weight gains as a symbol of beauty, health and wealth.

For centuries in Mauritania, women have been force fed camels milk and high caloric foods from an early age in hopes that they will be fat enough to be worthy of a good husband and recognizable status.

One man, whose 200 pound wife began walking to try to shed some pounds, was quoted as saying that "if she did lose the weight he would divorce her".

But government officials, now seeing the devastating results associated with obesity, are growing concerned and have launched a campaign through television and radio to entice more and more women to become slimmer.

"Music and lyrics have always described the ideal woman as fat so we are asking songwriters to help us reverse this by writing lyrics to promote better eating habits and shedding pounds," said one official.

One lyricists so far has come up with a rather catchy tune that the government has said will launch the campaign early next month.

The song goes like this:

Get your fat ass off the couch
My beautiful one
Get your ass to the gym
And yes...have some fun

Your clothes they are splitting
Each time you bend down
On my face you will now see
The hint of a frown

Your skin as it hangs
Under the light of the moon
Makes my balls curl right up
Like a tiny cocoon

The jiggle in your belly
I once thought so cute
Makes me quiver in fear
And eventually puke

So keep your lips tight
As the food passes by
Curl and crunch
And work on your thighs

Do a few lunges
And feel muscles burn
For all of this work
My love you will earn

I will buy you tight clothes
And jewels you can don
I will love you much more
When your flubber is gone

I will buy you a castle
This much you should know
I will love you forever
But your fat has to go

Canada Should Take Mass Murder As A Clue

UPDATE: Yesterdays mass killing spree on a school campus is a prime example of why guns cannot be tolerated on any school campus no matter how good the counselling department is.

VIRGINIA TECH shooter, Cho Seung-Hui, 23, a senior from South Korea apparently chose not to continue his prescribed counselling sessions.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Counsellors Urged To Support Weapons Bearers

New research finds that children who bring weapons to school need counseling not expulsion.

The study shows that too many students are being sent home or kicked out of school due to the fact that they cannot fight the urge to bring their guns, knives or other weapons to school to prove just how 'bad' they are.

Canadian officials admit that the Ontario Safe Schools Act is not working as expected because they're losing way too much funding. For every day a student is absent the school loses between $30 - $50.

"It's a shame to expell these kids just because they've got a gun tucked into the waistband of their pants," said one official. "If they feel they need this kind of security while on campus, then we say 'why the hell not let everyone bring a gun to school' then at least the playing field will be even."

Citing that this law, under the guise of 'Zero Tolerence', seems to specifically target minorities, school officials are now demanding that the goverment should mind it's own business when it comes to matters that concern educating the children of Canada, according to the Ontario Human Rights Commission.

Their plan, which some feel may just work, is to provide every non-minority student with a weapon of similar power to the Latino, Black, or otherwise 'not white' students, as a means to "intercede in the interest of peace" between racial divides.

"Zero tolerance just doesn't work," said a spokesman for the education department. "We've decided to take matters into our own hands and spend the money we would otherwise lose by a students absence on bullet proof vests for all teachers, counselors and other school staff."

The new plan includes spending an enormous amount of money on training school employees in the art of negotiating a weapons standoff between students or faculty using the same methods the local police use. They will also be trained in hand-to-hand combat when students decide that they will only use their weapons as a last resort if they cannot work things out in a bloody brawl on campus.

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Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Robber Didn't Have Leg To Stand On

Gregory Daniels, 48, was arrested earlier today after robbing a market in Pomona.

Police say he and an accomplice pulled the stores ATM out of the floor using a chain and their pick up truck. A witness called police who later found the truck, which had taken a wrong turn and ended up on a dead end street.

Police responding to the location were cautioned not to laugh when they found him lying beside the truck, his prosthetic leg on the ground next to him.

A spokesman for the police department said the accomplice was still on the loose but they did issue this statement.

"Daniels went out on a limb but, when all was said and done, he didn't have a leg to stand on."
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