THE "NOT-SO" NEWS/JBLA: November 2006

Thursday, November 30, 2006

British Airway Passengers All Aglow

The fallout continues after British Airways grounded at least three planes fearing they held traces of a potentially dangerous levels of radioactivity.

This falls on the footsteps of the death of former Russian security KGB officer, Alexander Litvinenko, who died in November as a result of radioactive poisoning.

Most passengers traveling the airline were unaware they had been exposed to polonium 210 until days later.

One couple returning from their honeymoon said the first clue that something was wrong was the night after they arrived at their home.

"We're newlyweds so we're having a lot of sex right now," said the distraught bride. "When I got under the covers I thought it was just the remnants of the honeymoon glow, but when I took a closer look at my husbands privates I realized that something was wrong because they were actually glowing."

Lawyers worldwide are scrambling to find exactly who they can sue when the claims start rolling in.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

YouTube Merger Strategy Bad For Young Drivers

Personal injury lawyers across the state are gearing up for a busy year after YouTube@ and Verizon@ announced they will broadcast videos to their cell phone customers.

Verizon, one of the nations largest providers of mobile technology, serves more than 50 million customers.

"We know it's not always convenient for our customers to be at their computers 24/7 so this will allow them to keep up with the lastest news, whether that be entertainers going ballistic or police officers beating up or tazering another innocent victim," said a spokesman who wished not to be identified. "We're consciously targeting the youth market because we believe they're the only ones with balls enough to drive and watch videos at the same time. We're looking at boosting our profits not their safety."

Critics of this merger believe that it will increase the amount of accidents and will surely cause an overload of gridlock on the already congested freeways as people download while driving.

The Federal Transportation Authority is trying to block the broadcasts citing that the upsurge of teenager drivers, who depend on YouTube videos as their only source of news, will increase the already staggering number of deaths reported throughout the nation by this targeted audience.

"Teenage drivers are already busy enough fiddling around with their blaring stereos, socializing with back seat passengers and paying little attention to what's going on around them, they don't need an added distraction to force them to take their eyes off the road."

Several car manufacturers have already begun reconfiguring the dash board of their popular youth oriented vehicles to include a cell phone mount placed just inches from the steering wheel so that drivers will be able to keep one eye on the road and one eye on their favorite broadcast.

Insurance companies are also counting the seconds until this merger becomes final. They say they will use the same technology that determines whether a driver of a vehicle is inebriated by installing a sensor that determines whether a cell phone is on or off while the vehicle is moving.

Banking on the fact that no teenager can get in a car without their trusty link to the world they expect that an increase in rates for those who drive while under the influence of a cell phone will push their profit margin even higher than health insurance costs.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

N-Word Ban Incites Comedians/Rap Artists Worldwide

America's freedom of speech has come under fire thanks in part to the outrageous racially slanted outburst by former Seinfeld star Michael Richards this month during a stand up routine at Hollywood's famous comedy club The Laugh Factory.

Richards, who according to Rev. Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton, has now been elevated in status from potty-mouth comedian to the righteous "WHITE" representative of the world after unleashing the word 'Nigga' out loud before a stunned audience.

This issue is nothing new for these media whores, but the opportunity to gain more attention in an attempt to elevate their status as the worlds elitist religious leaders, whose world purification process could in itself unleash America's own civil unrest, only serves to provide more fodder for those who consistently use the word as part of their normal routine.

Who more to take the brunt of this but some of the worlds most famous black Rap artists who were stunned by the idea of banning one of their most prolific lyrics.

Without the N word, many of them would be reduced to working with 'Caucasian-American' lyricists who would likely replace the word 'Nigga' with something more palatable like 'a horse of a different color'.

Saturday Night Live was a pioneer in racial comedy back in the day when people were less likely to jump on board and begin the law-suit frenzy over hurt feelings.

Richard Pryor and Chevy Chase set the tone for this type of racial comedic sparring's during one of their most viewed skits, which had them calling each other names such as Tar Baby, Jungle Bunny, Spade and ending with the N-word during a job interview sketch.

Comedians such as Dave Chappel and Chris Rock would be out of business according to their representatives should this ban actually become law. Some analysts speculate that this is the reason Chappel checked out of his multi-million dollar deal with Comedy Central because it would altar his style and reduce his creative spark.

West Coast Liberalists are up in arms at the thought of this exclusive ban and hope that for political correctness, words such as honky, wop, chink, kike, cracker, hooknose, burr head, and wetback will also fall under the limits of this possible ban should it come to reality.

One group that is rallying together to be entirely excluded from this impending ban is the National Tourretts Association.

SNL Transcript: Chevy Chase, Richard Pryor

Monday, November 27, 2006

Peace Sign Not Appropriate During Wartime

A Denver Colorado home owners association is trying to douse one residents right to freedom of speech by fining her $25 per day for her choice of holiday decorations.

The homes exterior Christmas wreath, a rather large peace sign lit by a string of colorful lights, has been deemed as anti-war and some are likening it to a sign of Satanism.

The president of the association, which bans any signs, flags or other propoganda such as this wreath throughout their 200 household community, said he had three or four complaints from residents. He likened this festive outburst with that of someone putting up a sign to encourage people to drop bombs on Iraq.

Some feel he may have stepped outside the boundaries of his duties after firing the other members of the association for not executing his orders to remove the offensive decoration.

In his effort to control the small enclave of residents he has also banned everyone from participating in Global Orgasm Day slated for December 22.

"We don't want no stinking energy change either because that is considered anti-war as well," he said.

The homeowner, Lisa Jensen, told the press that her wreath is not anti anything but "merely a sign of spirituality in light of the season". She said it may cost her $1,000 to keep the wreath up but feels it will be money well spent, if indeed she ends up having to pay it at all.

"I'll keep my wreath up as long as I want and as far as everyone having sex on the same day in hopes of creating peace, the president of our homeowners association will be participating starting now because he's fucked from this moment on."

Sunday, November 26, 2006

How Old Are You?

Ever have one of those age comments thrown your way--you know--the kind that either thrills you or pisses you off?

Well this morning I decided to take the Real Age Test.

I'm apparently a lot older than I thought. Crap!! And now, I apparently must make some big changes in my lifestyle if I am to turn back the hands of time. Oh it's a cruel, cruel world out there!

Take the test if you dare and see how you rate! Leave your results in the comments and we'll see who out there is younger or older than you thought.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Give A Little Piece-Get A Little Peace

As world peace efforts continue to draw our attention, many companies are jumping on the bandwagon hoping for their own 'piece' of the pie as they gear up to beat the December 22 'come one, come all' deadline.

Yes, as Global Orgasm Day approaches financial planners are greasing more than their hands, speculating that stocks in companies who provide sexual lubricants will make a huge leap.

"This is a hole in one so to speak for clients looking to get into the stockmarket," said one trader.

Some of the top producers hoping to 'slide into the number one slot' with this anti-war protest include KY Jelly@, Aqualube@ (for those who like underwater sex), Astroglide@, Elbow Grease@ (for those who enjoy the solo journey), and Probe@ (self explanatory).

Other companies, such as Ibprofen manufactures are also hoping to increase sales.

"We expect men to be our number one consumers in an effort to eliminate the uttering of those dreaded words 'not tonight honey, I have a headache'," said an unidentified representative of one off brand manufacturer.

Organizers of this premier event are hoping to change the energy field of the earth as all participants reach orgasm's at the same time with thoughts of global peace being the only thing running through their mind before, during and after the act.

Critics of the effort say that many, especially men, will find this a daunting experience and are concerned that it will spike population growth worldwide.

"Men who are exceedingly sexually active are always looking for their next piece, not world peace," said Dick Gozinya. "I'm going to participate because I feel it's part of my civic duty but I fully expect this to lead to a lot of new babies next summer."

For more information you can check out the orgasminations website at GLOBAL ORGASM

Friday, November 24, 2006

Black Friday Leads To Depression

While stores gear up for the busiest shopping day of the year, consumers should beware that too much spending on Black Friday often leads to an often untalked about syndrome known as Stupid Monday.

Although Stupid Monday is not as highly publicized as the traditional Black Friday, it is celebrated across the nation and throughout the world by psychologists, therapists and pharmaceutical companies as the highest income producing day of the year.

One local therapist in California says the Monday after Thanksgiving is usually the busiest day of the year for her.

"People want to feel good at this time of the year but they often fail to put a limit on their spending because the deals are so good the day after Thanksgiving," she said. "This is especially true of those who shop using credit cards."

She said consumers often don't feel the pain until sometime Sunday when they start tallying up their receipts and realize that they've spent far more than they anticipated.

She added that the guilt of spending beyond ones means leads to an assortment of anxiety producing symptoms including rapid heart beat, excessive sweating and a tourettes-like syndrome of cursing aloud at any given time.

"I tell my clients that they should put cash in their wallets before they hit the stores and when it's gone they should get back in their car and go home," she said. "This does not happen often enough though and that's when my phone starts ringing off the hook Sunday afternoon."

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Happy Thanksgiving!

To all my friends out there is cyberspace, I hope your day is filled with promise, your heart full of hope and your soul full of laughter.

My sister sent me this e-mail and I thought it was very appropriate for sharing with you as you race through this season.


Author Unknown...

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those people on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word "refrigeration" mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in a half hour?" She would gas up and stammer, "I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain." And my personal favorite: "It's Monday." She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because we cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches.. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make
to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve toilet-trained.
We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet.
We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One
morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to," "I plan on," and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit."

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Roller blades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.

Now...go on and have a nice day.

Do something you WANT to......not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head?
Ever told your child, "We'll do it tomorrow." And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say "Hi"?

When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....Thrown away.... Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.

"Life may not be the party we hoped for... but while we are here we might as well dance!"

Monday, November 20, 2006

Richards Guilty Of Using Mouth

Former Seinfeld star, Michael Richards, let one rip so to speak shortly after he was seen dining with Mel Gibson on Friday night.

Letting loose a tirade of racial slurs, including several N words directed at a black heckler, Richards managed to clear out the Laugh Factory, located in the heart of Hollywood, in less than three minutes setting a record for most memorable fall on your face performances in the history of the club.

His apology, which aired on The Late Show, left the star near tears as he tried to undo the damage he had just levied on himself and his career, according to reports.

Rumor has it that Mr. Michaels is currently seeking a new publicist and was said to have called
Gibson for a referral.

Do These Jeans Make My Ass Look Fat?

Finding the perfect pair of jeans can be at best a trying experience for many women, especially when the price tag boasts numbers upwards of two to three hundred bucks a shot.

With denim being the number one trend in fashion, whether for pleasure or business, it's no wonder we see so many female consumers breaking into a sweat and popping anti-depressants before heading to the mall.

"I'd rather be having root canal than face myself in that three way mirror," said one consumer who has spent many long hours trying to pour her muffin topped size 10 butt into these new itsy-bitsy fashion statements.

It seems every designer has a vested interest in this growing market.

In Los Angeles where men are judged by the car they drive, so too are the women, solely based on what they have stretched across their ass.

But, there is hope now that an on-line company is taking the embarrassing dressing room experience out of the equation. offers consumers a way to determine what jeans will best fit your body type all in the privacy of your own home. Just answer a few questions on their site and up pops your best choices.

For those who do not fall into the category of 'jeans wearer' you will be redirected to their sister site

Sunday, November 19, 2006

Sunday's Chuckle

A woman in her fifties is at home happily jumping, unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram, and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old."

The husband replies, "What did he say about that 55-year old ass of yours?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

Friday, November 17, 2006

OJ-It's Bad For Your Health

With a book newly penned, former football star O.J. Simpson, is hoping to cash in on the fame he derived from his highly publicized murder trial.

The book, "If I Did It", is set to hit bookstores on November 30.

Critics are outraged that publishers and media affiliates are giving this outrageous book the time of day.

Publisher, Judith Regan of ReganBooks, has come under fire for publishing a book that promotes criminal activity, but many expect it to fly off the bookshelves because people are still curious as to whether or not his 'imaginary plan' matches up with the actual murders of his ex-wife Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman.

The Goldman's have posted a petition to stop the release of this "confession-like" book and are hoping to gather as many signatures as possible. You can visit the site here.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

To Die-For Clothing

This fall, be prepared to be shocked by clothing companies boasting subzero clothing sizes.

"What most people wear to cover one thigh is likely to be what wraps around another's waist with these new clothing sizes," said a Beverly Hills nutritionist. "This is absurd and what's worse, this trend will make many women feel they are obese even if they wear a size seven."

Banana Republic, who is owned by The Gap, will begin offering clothes in sizes smaller than zero, according to reports.

It is also rumored that Nicole Miller will jump on the bandwagon as well to market her 'sub-zero' line of designer fashion.

The timing of this news does not bode well for many, especially in light of the recent death of 5' 8" Brazilian model Ann Carolina Reston, who at 21-years-old weighed in at a mere 88 pounds at the time of her death. Reports say that she was surviving on a diet of tomatoes and apples in order to maintain her slender figure.

Health officials are alarmed and are sending out warnings to those attempting to fit into these absurdly sized wardrobes.

"Diet and die is not where we want people to be headed for the sake of fashion."

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

LAPD May Come Under Friendly Fire

The streets of Los Angeles were nearly empty today as news of another brutal police officer attack became public knowledge.

In what now is becoming the possible third vicious attack by the Los Angeles Police Department, all caught on video by witnesses, residents say they are afraid to be outside where they may run into one of those hired to protect us.

This latest incident occured yesterday, shortly after a young man noticed a nearby patrol car. He said he was trying to leave the area as quickly as possible to avoid contact with the officers but a chase ensued and sure enough, when they pulled him from the car he was immediately kicked in the head.

"Just seeing that car was motivation enough to get my ass out of there," the suspect said. "I guess I should have just pulled over quicker and taken my beating instead of pissing them off by trying to get out of their line of sight."

This follows a chain of events that is even further tainting the LAPD's questionable hiring of possibly bi-polar police officers.

In August of this year another video broadcast first on YouTube showed an officer beating a suspect in the face with his fists.

On Monday of this week the District Attorney also released a statement that another video shot last year shows yet another incident involving brutal actions by police officers.

It showed officers putting a vagrant suspect in the back of their vehicle, pepper spraying him in the face, then closing the door so that it would have the full impact. According to the report the video shows the man's contorted face pressed against the window of the car as he struggled to breath.

Police officials are not denying these incidents occurred but were unwilling to comment on the well documented actions of those officers involved in this string of violent behavior.

City officials held a news conference in downtown Los Angeles to warn citizens to be as careful as possible while in public and that anyone coming into contact with or who find themselves in the same vicinity as police officers or patrol cars, they should slow down so as not to draw any attention to themselves, try to remain calm and leave the area as quickly as possible.

Related Articles: BREAKING NEWS UCLA Student Shot By Tazer--Watch The Video

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Vacation Offers 'Fucking Good Time'

With the gay tourism ban controversy still brewing in the Caribbean, one hotel chain has found a way to tip the balance in their favor by inviting vacationers to come--literally!

In offering 'Procreation Vacations' The Westin Hotel at the Lucaya Grand Bahama Island is betting on big profits by providing whatever debauchery is needed in order to get couples hornier-than-hell so that they will leave the island happy and pregnant.

From the minute you enter the hotel there is no doubt about what this vacation is all about. Couples are greeted with a 'conception reception', which includes a series of short porn flicks, lap dancers both male and female and an endless supply of sexy looking alcoholic beverages.

What entices many vacation planners to book this particular hotel is that according to their brochure, every room comes with nine Viagra tablets so that each and every moment of the day boasts the possibility for fertile fucking.

"We threw in the Viagra as a last minute thought based on the fact that these tiny pills can keep you up for up to eight hour increments," said the concierge. "This is especially beneficial for those older gentlemen who've dumped their first wives in favor of younger brides."

There is a plethora of services, including sex-therapists, orgasm specialists, and several lingerie boutiques. The hotel offers an anything goes policy but the one item they do not offer is any form of birth control.

"We want our clientele to 'be up the creek without a paddle' so to speak," said a spokesman for the hotel chain.

So how much does a weekend of sex cost on the island? According to hotel management it's a great deal.

"We've priced the three-day package at just under $2,000 because we understand that once you're pregnant you're going to pay for the rest of your life."

One couple who recently returned home pregnant as promised said that although this was the best vacation they'd ever had they were deeply saddened that they would never be able to go back.

"The hotel does not allow children."

Monday, November 13, 2006

Evangelical Scandal--Mixing Sex And Politics Bad News For Tourism

Religious zealots have joined together in the Caribbean to ban gay cruises from setting foot on the white puritan shores of their islands.

In a statement released to the press by Bill Daniel, president of the Islands Evangelical Association, it was clear how he felt about those living this type of lifestyle.

He told reporters their organization is hoping the government will step in to help stop the gay tourists from coming to their island and conducting themselves in any immoral fashion. He would not make any further statement until he met with the rest of his rightious holier-that-thou Association members.

Many people are speculating however, that this comes at a time when the Evangelical leadership has come under massive scrutiny after it was discovered that, Ted Haggard, president of the 30-million-member National Association of Evangelicals, has been involved in a gay relationship with a male prostitute for the past three years.

"The 'do as I say not as I do' message has begun to bring more and more closet dwellers in their organization out of the closet," said one islander who believes that religion should have no place in defining who is a good tourist and who is not.

Those opposed to the ban say this is just another cover up by religious factions who depend so much on controlling the thoughts and actions of those who practice religion.

Critics of this proposed ban are angry that the religious community is trying to take priority over tourism, something that keeps all their religious leaders living on the islands in their pricey little condos along the beach.

"We have men and women who come here for the sole purpose of getting it on not only in the hotels but on the beaches as well, and not only that, they drink to much, party all night and usually end up trashing their rooms" said one cab driver who admitted he'd gotten quite a few nifty wardrobe tips from some of his gay passengers. "Fucking is fucking no matter who it is, and until they tell me that a gay man's money is no longer green I will always welcome him into my taxi."

This issue has been brewing for years though. In 1998, a cruise ship carrying thousands of beautiful lesbians stopped in their port and were met by more than 400 local protesters, mostly single men, who were upset by the fact that every woman stepping off the boat was partnered by another women, which they felt would deprive them of some quick poontang.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

Sunday Are Funny Sometimes...

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.

One day "little sister" called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.

I opened the door and started running straight towards my car!

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping, cheering wildly and applauding! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said,

"We are very happy that you've passed our little 'test'.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family, son!"

The moral of the story...

Always keep your condoms in your car!

Saturday, November 11, 2006

Santa Arrives In California Ahead Of Schedule

Retailers across the nation are bracing for the upcoming holiday shopping season earlier than expected this year.

Although consumers are still busy trying to find end of season deals on Halloween costumes and candy, and have begun their pilgrimage to find the perfect turkey for Thanksgiving, many large retail chains have already been decorated for Christmas and are using the upcoming festivities to piggyback their 'early-bird' specials.

In California, one newly remodeled shopping mall invited Santa Claus early this year hoping to draw customers to the slew of new retailers that have moved in under their roof. The jolly old boy and his entire entourage arrived late last night to the delight of the thousands of consumers who came to watch this yearly tradition.

"We've spent millions of dollars to spiff up our mall and we need to start recouping sooner than most," said mall manager I. B. Greedy. ""With Santa already sitting on his thrown we know that children will start pestering their parents immediately to bring them here so they can hand off their list of pricey items."

One new techno chain, Remote, who's retail space is on the second floor, is gearing up to be one of the busiest this season. They will sell only one item but expect it to be rolling off the shelves way sooner than Christmas.

"I think we have the one gift that is not only unique in every sense of the word it's something every man and many women on your list will appreciate," said the stores manager. "I think we'll see consumers reaching deeper into their pockets for this item and we expect that nearly everyone who purchases them as gifts will also pick one up for themselves."

The remote will retail for $1,400, but store employees said they will offer a 'two-fer special' at $2,100 during the week prior to Christmas where last minute shoppers tend to over spend anyway.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Sex Study Differentiates Male And Female Orgasms

Sex and love are often confused as being the same thing but research shows that the difference lies deep inside the chemical makeup of the brain.

Using scans, researchers have proven that a brain rich in dopamine, a chemical known to drive romantic emotions, is far more prominent in the female brain.

"The problem with having an excess of this chemical is that it often creates a large group of people who do not explore their sexuality because they're constantly looking for some kind of attachment before jumping into bed with someone," said one researcher.

"Whereas a male will often jump into the sack with just about any woman on a moments notice even if they have to put a bag over their partners head, often times it creates frustration for their female partner who will then, after their sexual encounter, go home and wait by the phone hoping this will lead to a long term relationship."

As far as orgasms go, the study also revealed that males tend to cum exponentially faster than their female partners. Research proves that a man, regardless of his emotional state, is able to ejaculate during every sexual encounter, whereas females tend towards building up to the moment and depending on the stamina of their partner often find themselves unsatisfied.

Take the test here to at orgasms simulator to see how you rate.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

Snails Invade Resort Town

In what can only be described as a living nightmare, Barbadian's have been forced to run for the hills as giant snails invade their tiny resort town.

Witnesses have described the invasion as similar to that of Orson Well's "War Of The Worlds".

"They got my dog ButterCup," said one weary villager who was forced to leave his home and head for higher ground.

City officials hoping to calm fears and fully take advantage of the situation have called upon a local chef to defeat the endless onslaught of these vicious slimy creatures.

Chef S. Cargo has been setting up large snail traps all along the coast line over the last few days hoping to snare as many of these voracious pests as he can.

"Snails are always drawn to butter so I built these large bonfires and set enormous vats of boiling butter on top," S. Cargo said. "It's a waiting game right now but I expect that by the end of the week we will have snagged a great number of these large delicacies--as a matter of fact we'll likely have caught enough of them to feed the entire village."

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Mice Dying On The Job

In a study recently released in Current Biology by professor's at the University of Virginia, researchers found that mice who worked rotating shifts died at a far quicker pace than those whose job offered them a permanent day or night shift.

Of the 100 mice used for the study, the older ones who were forced to repeatedly change their schedules, were found dead at a more rapid speed than the younger ones.

"Regular hours are just better all around because mice, like humans, sometimes have very tiny brains that are incapable of controlling their everyday actions including getting enough sleep and eating regular healthy meals," one researcher said. "There are no constant adjustments when working a steady day or night job, which in turn leaves their little brains to deal only with the duties of their employment."

The same data also found that mice who constantly crossed international time zones met with the same fate as the shift changers. Researchers cautioned their test subjects to travel lighter and use sleeping aids such as Ambian to counter the effects of sleep deprivation but found that many mice died anyway--the result of choking while trying to swallow the pills.

Although their findings represented many of the study participants who died through natural attrition such as old age, researchers also included data on those who were killed as a result of bad choices in picking routes to their job.

"We found this result especially with the mice who were unable to adapt to the change in shift and did not get enough sleep."

Several mice were found dead, their necks snapped like twigs, after encountering erroneously placed mouse traps shortly after a shift changes. This was attributed to lack of sleep as well plain stupidity.

"They've seen these traps a million times before but because of the change in light or dark, depending on what shift they've just come off of, we found that their eating habits became lackadaisical and they went for the easy route--ala a well stocked trap."

Obesity was also sited for unnatural attrition.

"Mice like cushy jobs, like sitting at a computer all day where their once tiny butt cheeks get bigger and bigger along with their once taut bellies," said a nutritionist working as part of the study team. "We offered them tiny little treadmills so they could get the recommended 30-minutes of exercise but most declined to use them citing that all too often their skinny little tails got caught in the belt causing great bodily harm."

Scientists are now recommending that mice pursue counseling before taking a job. They also recommended that older mice work part time if they wish to extend their life.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Ferret Gets Wheel Chair

Blue Cross may have a heart after all.

After several closed door sessions executives of the company took pity on the Ferret pictured here after it was discovered that he had trouble walking.

The health insurance company, in a land slide decision, agreed to allow the animal who had no pre-existing conditions, to order a custom made wheel chair to help the poor little bugger get around.

As for his owner, he is uninsurable due to mental health issues.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Sex Offender Available For Dating

In West Virginia this week a 47-year-old man has been arrested and charged with being stupid.

Christian Paul Dutton, aka 'Bubba', was taken into custody after a police photographer noticed that the suspect was illegally using his sex offender page picture on his MySpace account in hopes of boosting his dating numbers.

"I only used the photo because I thought it was a pretty flattering picture of me," Dutton said. "After being convicted of attempted rape no one wanted to go out with me, not even the young ones, so I thought I'd give this approach a shot."

In a related story another sex offender in Delaware has been ordered by the court to wear a T-shirt while in public that announces that he is unable to control his sexual urges.

The Superior Court Judge Jan Jurden sentenced Russell Teeter, 69, who has a criminal record dating back to 1976 to a short jail term as well.

"If this man cannot keep his pecker in his pants then we feel fair warning should be given to anyone who is in close proximity to him," the judge said.

A local T-shirt company was more than happy to accommodate the court and went one step beyond what was required of the court. They added an audio feature, which turns on when the suspect gets to within three feet of another person.

Set to an old child's rhyming tune, 'This Old Man', representatives from the company said it seemed appropriate for Teeter's new day wear.

The following is what innocent bystanders who come to close to the suspect would hear.

(sung to the tune of 'This Old Man')

This old man
he played a weenie
he rubbed too hard
so it wouldn't look teenie

I'm a dick wacker
Ball sacker
I rub upon on my bone
A jail cell is my special home

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Suddam Is On The Noose

On Sunday, in a land far far away, the expenditure of millions of dollars continues to run rampant as lawyers scramble to file appeal papers for now convicted murderer Saddam Hussein and his henchmen.

As the judge read off the charges and levied the sentence Hussein grew very agitated and became very verbal.

"God Is Good," said Hussein repeatedly from his seat behind bars. "Long live the people and death to their enemies. Long live the glorious nation, and death to its enemies!"

Ironically, it appears that Hussein himself has grown tired of his own egotistical, tyrannical, murderous lifestyle based on the very words he repeatedly said to the Tribunal judge about 'death to its enemies'.

One man who waited outside the courtroom got down on his knees and began to pray after hearing the verdict. When asked by reporters why he prayed with a grin on his face he told them that God had answered his prayers.

"God is good because he led Saddam to a hole that was not deep enough to hide his sorry ass but now he's found a hole deep enough to hide him forever," he said. "Yes God is good!"

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