THE "NOT-SO" NEWS/JBLA: August 2006

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Blue Balls Highlight Of Korean Sexpo Show

Hailed as one of the biggest audience drawers in South Korea, this years Sexpo left many visitors looking more like frightened turtles rather than the studs they liken themselves with.

The Sex trade show, which travels the world once a year, promised attendees an exciting show of hot women from around the world baring all in lingerie along with strip tease acts, sex seminars and a display of new pleasure toys. But what they found once they arrived however, was a lot of hot air.

"Blow up dolls...If I wanted to see THAT I could very well have stayed at home," said one very distressed visitor who demanded his admission fee back from promoters. "I anticipated a good deal of hands on entertainment, even took a viagra just before I came, but this...this was enough to shrivel my balls straight up into my belly."

Several promoters were on hand to do damage control, trying to glorify the presence of blow up dolls instead of the real deal.

"Although many who came...or not sadly enough, will leave here with their heads hung low so to speak, we feel we did the best we could under the circumstances," said Dick Gozinya, CEO of Express Mail Toys. "The dolls we used are really hot and are what we believe to be the perfect woman."

"They don't talk back, their egos are already inflated so you don't have to spend a lot of time or money entertaining them and when you grow tired of them there's no messy divorce simply pull the plug."

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Sexual Aid Releases Man From Mothers Custody

A 29-year-old man was taken into custody at a Chicago airport this week after reportedly telling transportation security officials he was carrying a bomb to avoid an embarrassing confrontation with his mother.

Shortly before Madin Azad Amin and his mother boarded a flight to Turkey, officials found an item in his suitcase that resemble a grenade and quickly detained them.

During questioning Amin fessed up to officials that it was actually part of an elaborate system to pleasure himself--a penis pump, and that he was too embarrassed to have to explain that to security with his mother standing so close to him.

"It was an error in judgment on my part," Amin said. "What I really should have said was 'it's THE bomb' not 'it's A bomb'."

His mother, described by witnesses as one of those over bearing, possessive religious zealots, was released shortly after questioning and held an impromptu press conference to defend her son's action.

"I know what's best for my son and I raised him to be a good boy and that includes not touching himself to satisfy his sexual needs," she said. "I am very proud of him for finding a way to indulge his sexual desires, by using a devise without actually touching himself or whoring around with trashy young women--he's a good boy."

Amin, charged with disorderly conduct as stated in the penile code book, will face up to a possible three years in jail.

As officials led Amin out of the airport he was reported to have a wide grin on his face. When asked if he was happy about being arrested he told the officers he was elated.

"I've been trying to come out of the closet for years but was always afraid of my mother and the repercussions of such a disclosure," Amin admitted. "You've met my mother--three years in an all male prison sounds like heaven on earth."

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Bush Elicits Frustration In Katrina Aftermath

President Bush visited the still devastated city of New Orleans this week to see first hand just how badly he let all the residents of this great city down.

Hurricane Katrina waged it's war in this booming tourist town one year ago today, killing more than one thousand and leaving nearly an entire city homeless, without assistance and without any hope for the future due to the slow response by government officials.

In an effort to bring good will, cheer and hope to those left still unemployed, homeless and devastated by the death of family members, Bush finally agree that there were some errors made, but as usual, laid the blame on those who work for him.

"Jeeze, this place is really a mess, but, come on--get over it, there are no profits to be made here by rebuilding so quickly!" the President said. "It is my hope that when I'm no longer in office the rebuilding will begin. As for now, I must put all my efforts into regaining my...err...our oil profits overseas."

For many residents who have grown extremely weary of being treated like stray animals at best--this did not sit well. Many who showed up to see the president hoping for a face to face with him were quickly turned away by security forces.

"This trip was not intended to become a public forum. We didn't come here to rebuild this ravaged city, we came here to undo the damage to the presidents reputation of being a complete asshole," said one top official.

Several locals who returned briefly to survey what once was their homes were upset by the lack of interest by government officials in helping them put their lives back together.

"I think they should name the next hurricane after George Bush," said one man who was visibly disturbed as he looked over a pile of debris that once was his home. "Bush says a lot of things, makes promises, but in the end he's just a big old wind bag."

Monday, August 28, 2006

Sex Toys Seized

In Hanoi this week people have been walking around in a daze for days after officials seized their regular supply of sex toys and sexual stimulants.

Authorities said they stopped a truck carrying onions in the small town of Ho because the onions were acting rather strangely.

"They were quivering and what really caught our attention is that all the green onions were standing with their shoots straight up, as if at attention," an official said. "Usually when you pull these from the ground they start to wilt right away and are rushed off to the market to be sold before their bright green shoots begin to fade, but this particular load still had stiff shoots nearly eight hours after being picked."

It is believed that one of the bottles of viagra opened during the bumpy ride and became entangled in the onions.

Residents of this tiny southern town expressed their displeasure at a protest on the steps of city hall.

Nearly seven people who appeared to look rather anxious and needy gathered to demand the release of the contraband goods.

One middle aged protester, Mi Wili Nowork, whose reputation had garnered him the nickname 'old softie', said that he had just begun courting a new woman and without his little blue pill the relationship would be doomed.

Another protester who appeared to be very frustrated voiced her displeasure at this untimely seizure.

"I order boyfriend--he in box in truck--go to jail--no nuckie for me--leave me wanting to scratch eye out," she said unable to control her tears. "Plea plea relea Long John, he ma good huband, make me happy."

Sunday, August 27, 2006

It's Sunday...Ahh...Siesta Time

Here is a math trick so unbelievable that it will stump you.
Personally I would like to know who came up with this and why that person is not running the country.

1. Grab a calculator. (You won't be able to do this one
in your head)

2. Key in the first three digits of your phone number
(NOT the area code)

3. Multiply by 80.

4. Add 1

5. Multiply by 250

6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number.

7. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.

8. Subtract 250

9. Divide by 2

Do you recognize the answer?

If any of you have jokes you would like to add or share feel free to post them in the comments section as it appears there is always a little sparring going on there as to who can out funny the other. Let's just see who the funniest visitor is!!!

Saturday, August 26, 2006

Meowing Out-Boy Tells Neighbor To Fuck Off

In Pennsylvania this week spiteful repartee between neighbors quickly turned ugly boiling over into a full blown cat fight.

An unidentified 14-year-old boy said he was just getting even with the 78-year old beatch that lived next door by meowing at her each time their paths crossed. This came about after his family was forced to give up their pet cat because he kept crapping in her flower boxes.

The young man apologized to his neighbor and vowed not to meow at her anymore. He told the judge that his cat calls were inappropriate and he would now just tell her to fuck off instead.

Court officials must now determine whether this is a case of harmless taunting or misdemeanor harassment, but the judge agreed to suspend the case for 90 days to see how this new wordage works for both parties.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Illegal Possession Charges Filed Against Homeless Man

The Los Angeles police department has come under scrutiny again after being caught on tape by the LA Community Action Network during the arrest of a homeless man living on Skid Row downtown.

The suspect was charged with illegal possession of milk crates and was transported to the Twin Towers jail shortly after a police officer rapped up a sweet rendition, hummed through a megaphone, of the theme song from the now defunct television show 'Sanford And Sons'.

Police officials deny there was any wrongdoing and defended their actions.

"Our usual style is to beat the crap out of the suspect Rodney King style and that did not happen. Granted, the officer in questions voice is pretty bad and could be construed as cruel and unusual punishment but other than that the arrest was pretty standard," said a spokesman for the department.

An official from one local milk company released a statement to the press expressing how grateful they were for the return of the two long lost crates whose value is set at approximately $1.25.

Strippers Honor Stiffs In Beijing

Honoring the dead has become big business for the skin trade in Beijing.

Throughout history, families often hired strippers to attract viewers so the dead would leave the world knowing just how much they were loved based on how many people attended their funeral.

Police recently began cracking down on this practice in part because they were never utilized for crowd control, thus making them miss every show.

"Until such time as my officers are asked to attend these performances...I mean...patrol these farewell rituals under the premise of getting a piece...I mean...keeping the piece we will continue to disrupt any service of this nature," said a police spokesman.

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Double Trouble Turns Into Blessing

A 24-year-old unidentified double-dicked Indian man, who caught the publics attention after he announced his decision to have one of his two penises removed so he could marry his true love, has had a change of heart.

After watching news coverage last week featuring attractive, young polygamous protestors in Utah, the young man said he has opted to keep both penises in order to satiate the large number of wives he intends to marry immediately upon arriving in his new country.

"It's the best of both worlds," he said. "I will never have to worry about pleasing my women because, just like any good car dealership, I will always have a loaner if the other breaks down."

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Breast Implants Save More Than Self-Image

In Israel this week a woman was saved from sure death after attackers bullets were unable to penetrate anything more than her silicone implants.

The 24-year-old said she was always worried about how the size of her large bust would make her stand out in a crowd making her an easy target, but is now eternally grateful she decided on the double 'd's' instead of the 'c' cup.

Word of this miraculous save spread quickly among civilian and enlisted residents and has sent thousands scurrying to their doctors office.

Plastic surgeons in many worn torn areas have been inundated with calls from potential clients hoping to have as many of these figure enhancing sacks placed in not only their sagging breasts, but any area that could potentially take a fatal blow.

"We can accommodate many of those seeking these surgeries due to the fact that after America banned the silicone type implants we were able to buy them at a discounted price," said a spokesman for the American Plastic Surgeons organization.

"I imagine that if more women go through the enhancement process, men serving in combat may eventually lose interest in the battle and take interest in a more peaceful resolution to the tensions of daily life."

Monday, August 14, 2006

Misery Loves Company

In a recent study just released, researchers in Ohio discovered that a person who is depressed would do far better if they got married.

Their findings showed that sharing the burden of depression can often alleviate symptoms such as fatigue and crankiness and reduce the day to day blahs.

"Simple having intimate relations on a regular basis...tend to lift the dark cloud swirling around in peoples minds," one researcher said.

The study found that men especially fair far better in conquering this growing mental health crisis by hooking up with a partner on a regular basis.

"Men who suffer from what is commonly called 'blue balls', a leading cause of depression, are most likely the ones to benefit from regular sex due to the fact that they sleep better and will usually accommodate anything their spouse/partner wants immediately following an orgasm--it's a win-win situation."

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Sunday Joke #2

Yes, it's Sunday, my new official day off.

The most I have to do today is repack or rather unpack my carry on bag so there will be no liquidy stuff to get rid of at the airport as I head off to Hawaii on Tuesday. Yehaw! Sun, Sand, Sex and Margaritas!!! I will try to post from there providing the TSA doesn't abscond with my laptop.

However much I want to rest today I can't help but comment on the cease fire agreement in regards to the war in the Middle East.

On Saturday both sides agreed to end the fighting, which is a relief, however arms will not be put to rest until 5 am Monday morning. Can someone please explain to me why it was not imposed on the same day or are both sides trying to make the munitions dealers a little richer before they stop providing them with bullets and bombs?
Or, is this a ploy to create as much carnage as possible in hopes that once the fighting stops it will create jobs for thousands who will be hired to repair and rebuild what was destroyed?

Peace Out my friends, have a great week!
PS: I have added a subscription link to my site which will automatically let you know when I have posted new stories.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function
and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the
new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked"
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last
year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000.
They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much."
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up.

The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....

He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Viagra thief Won't Face Hard Time

Pharmacies are breathing a sigh of relief in Brazil after police arrested one of two suspects responsible for stealing more than $220,000 in cash and Viagra pills.

Many consumers expressed their relief after they were forced to abstain from sex over the past year due to the shortage of the anti-impotence pill.

"It's awful...I've been walking around looking like a frightened turtle all year," said one man who was standing in line at the local pharmacy along with nearly 4,000 other men all waiting to fill their prescriptions.

A police official said when the suspect was apprehended he was suffering from exhaustion and chapped hands, but otherwise was in good health.

"We expect the judge to go fairly easy on him since he's already served one year of hard time."

The second suspect police are looking for is said to be a middle aged man, gray hair, 5'8" and very popular among the women.

"We caution the public to avoid direct contact with this hardened criminal and advise anyone who sees him to call police immediately."

Friday, August 11, 2006

High Alert Issued For Air Travel

In light of this weeks new terror alert airports across the country have beefed up security hoping to avert any ugly airplane mishaps that could cause great loss of life.

Officials have released no-fly carry on baggage list that includes anything liquidy such as hand creams, gels and bottled water.

"This measure will not only eliminate the threat of potential bombs being carried on board, it will also free up the restrooms from those whose guilty pleasure is to become or remain part of the mile-high club," said a spokesman for the transportation security department.

One airline has come up with a profitable solution to aide those wishing not to dispose of their prized liquid goods.

"We're offering a discounted price on a second ticket that will allow passengers to check their disallowed products onto a passengerless flight," an airline official said. "We're not sure that everyone will be able to recover their goods at their final destination but we recognize the fact that air travelers are used to this anyway."

Transportation authorities said because of the new security measures they have put in place, all air travelers should arrive at least a week ahead of their scheduled flight and to expedite the long lines passengers should be naked and carry absolutely nothing.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Dog Slaughter Brings Fortune To Some

In America, man's best friend is most often treated like one of the family.

Specialty stores that offer the latest trend in 'doggie wear' are commanding great profits. Food companies are catering to the increasingly superior taste buds of our four legged friends and doggie day cares are sprouting up everywhere for those whose separation anxieties can no longer be tolerated by canine owners.

Often dogs are touted as hero's for saving the lives of their owners, for leading the blind and for becoming the right arm for owners who cannot use their own.

In Asian countries however, this is the farthest thing from the truth. Dogs are currently being slaughtered by the thousands in China to prevent attacks on humans who then might possibly become infected with rabies.

Because dog meat is often seen as a delicacy in countries such as China, owners are not required to vaccinate their animals.

Many dog owners worry that if they use preventitive medicines such as a rabies vaccination Fido or FiFi will lose their sweetness leaving them with a foul tasting, inedible, unsellable animal.

"It make dog ni skin," said one resident who claimed she ate dog soup daily as part of her beauty regime.

Critics are outraged at this violent act, but for one young entrepreneur in China, it has become the silver lining in what many say is a very dark cloud.

Mi Gud Fortune, 27, recently opened a new restaurant franchise in hopes of turning a bad situation into a money making venture.

'Dim Sum Pooch', a buffet type venue, opened last week with a standing room only crowd. Fortune said it cost very little to open because of the surplus of pre-tenderized meat as a result of this hideous extermination.

"Government say quick...take dog...make bad newspaper people go away," said a smiling Fortune. "People love dog, make girl beautiful, make me rich man."

What does Fortune attribute his early success to?

"I give free doggie bag with every meal."

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Masturbating For A Cause

In London this week charity organizations banded together to raise awareness about HIV and AIDS.

The first ever Masturbate-A-Thon was created to get people talking about safer sex and how doing ones self rather than having partner sex could significantly reduce the rising number of those being infected by these diseases.

Sponsored participants were handed a set of rules and given a choice between all male, all female or both gender rooms in which to achieve their task. The number one rule however, was that there could be no fake orgasms. How this was monitored--organizers would not disclose.

The event, which drew nearly every eager beaver and jerk off in the city, was so overwhelmingly successful, organizers say they will likely expand next year.

"I don't know whether it was the heat or the fact that people are so frustrated by what's going on it the world today but spew...err...I mean whew...the turnout was far higher than we originally anticipated," said one organizer. "People came from all over the city."

Sponsors of the event included Kleenex, Handy Wipes and Johnson's Baby Oil.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Anti Stupid Pill Debuts

In a major medical breakthrough this month, a German scientist has come up with a solution to rid the world of those who cannot chew gum and walk at the same time.

The Anti-Stupid pill may in fact be, according to its creator, the one thing that could turn many lives around, improve the economy and raise employment rates, especially in light of what is happening in the world today.

"It is of utmost importance that we begin to distribute this medicine immediately in order to save the world from utter destruction by political leaders in every country," said the scientist Hans-Hilger Ropers.

Ropers, a molecular gentetisist, said he was the guinea pig during the original trail of the drug, which later was tested on mice and fruit flies to increase their short term memory and to reduce their hyper-activity levels.

"I had to be the first because no matter what I tried I just couldn't figure out how to get the fruit fly to swallow the caplet," Ropers said.

Test results proved that after the drug took effect both species were able to independently formulate a reasonably cohesive plan as to their next move in seeking sustenance and safety.

An unidentified source at the White House said they have been given priority status in the distribution of this new drug.

According to Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice, both she and President Bush are expected to include the pill as part of their daily diet.

Others who have put their name on the extensive waiting list are North Korea's President Kim II Sung and Mel Gibson.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Janet Jackson Nude Again/Hefner Denies Stroke

Having recently shed 60 pounds, the new svelte Janet Jackson feels it's time to reveal just a little more of herself.

Having finally lived down the brouhaha of fans and media after her breast was accidentaly exposed during the half time show at the 2004 Superbowl, Jackson says it's time to step back into the limelight in a very upfront way.

Posing topless for the upcoming edition of Vibe magazine has fans across the world lining up for the high gloss entertainment rag to see whether or not her breast have survived the weight loss.

"I'm feeling pretty good about myself and have been very cautious as to who's clothes I wear after that silly wardrobe accident," Jackson said.

Her new designer, Willit Mal Function, said he has designed an entire collection around Jacksons new look and expects his new line of minimum exposure evening wear to be a big hit this fall.

And in other entertainment news, Hugh Hefner, publisher of the infamous nude glam magazine, is denying stroke allegations.

In a statement to the press, Hefner said he has never had to do this himself because he has a very well trained staff.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Sunday Joke Of The Day

Being that I write my ass off all week I thought I might add this post on Sundays so I might have a day of rest like the rest of the world.

If you don't like it let me know, and I will see what I can do to appease your greedy, needy warped news whoring little eyes that need constant sating.

If you do like the idea I hope you enjoy the joke enough to pee your pants (Okay maybe not pee your pants ((I was trying to flatter myself)) but at least you might get a giggle out of it).

A drunk, who smelled of beer sat down, on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me, Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My Son, it is caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes, and a lack of personal hygiene."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," and returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, put his hand gently on the man's arm and apologized. "I'm sorry.... I should not have come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk replied. "I was just reading here that the Pope does. "


PS: I have been getting many story requests via e-mail to see how far I can go when the news really sucks. I LOVE THIS!!!!!! If you have an idea for a story let me know and I will rip it to shreds and twist it to the way it should be written.

If you come for a visit, leave me a link to your site through the link exchange at the bottom of the right hand column. It's always nice to read new faces!!

On another note: You will see I have put a new entry on my side bar regarding Paul Brown Jazz. You should all check him out and buy the records so he can keep my in the lifestlye I have become accustomed to. As soon as I can figure out how to add photos over there I will post the album covers.

Have a wonderful week all!

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Cuba Takeover On Hold

In an effort to ease the minds of everyone holding their breath in regards to American/Cuban relations now that their leadership has begun to unravel, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice promises that the United States will not take over least not yet.

"Although we are making plans to intervene, intercede and take over Cuban rule, I must first figure out how to repair the damage I've done and rebuild my credibility after my missadventures in the Middle East recently."

Many Americans are chomping at the bit to see just what lies ahead for this communist led country, especially since news coming out of Cuba has become sketchy at best about Fidel Castro's health and the fact that Raul Castro, brother of the dictator, has not been seen since taking over power of the country.

Democrats are hoping for a successful U.S. invasion in hopes of dissolving the trade embargo, which prevents many sought after goods from leaving the country.

Former President Bill Clinton, whose rather odd penchant for cuban cigars, was one of the first to come forward in support of a take over.

"I haven't been able to get hold of one of those babies since I was in the White House," he said. "It has definitely put a crimp in my dating style, although I must admit, my wife is unusually happy about this."

The U.S. government also sees this as an opportunity to reduce the homeland security defense budget by eliminating the need for Coast Guard rescue missions to save those trying to escape to the land of the free.

Several cruise lines have come forward hoping to land a contract to provide safe passage from Cuba to America and visa versa and will offer the treasury department a huge slice of what could lead to huge profits for both entities.

Friday, August 04, 2006

Budget Cuts Leaving Americans Mad As Hell

The absurditiy of American budget cuts may soon affect the way most people enjoy a meal and will likely lead to more and more people asking "Where's The Beef"?

The U.S. Department of Agriculture, in an effort to save some $35 million a year, is denying a Kansas beef producer from testing their cattle for that nasty mad cow disease, otherwise known as brain wasting disease, (bovine spongiform encephalopathy) because they would unfortunately set a good example that would require the same rigorous testing by other livestock companies.

" we lose a few people here and there," said a spokesman for the USDA. "We've crunched the numbers and there's simply not enough people dying to warrent this kind of departmental spending."

According to one study, only 1% of the roughly 100,000 cattle slaughtered daily in the U.S. are tested, and that according to the USDA, will soon be reduced by 90%, which means they will test only 110 cows a day.

Nearly every country has banned or partially banned importing American beef because they feel that the U.S. is not committed enough to perform these simple tests which could save thousands of peoples lives over the next millinium.

Several vegetarian groups however are hailing this as a victory for their cause.

"We've always been against eating meat in any way, shape or form," said the CEO of Yellow Skin Foods, a company that supplies vegetables and fish to most restaurants across America. "It is far better to eat vegetables grown in toxic soil and mercury laden fish than to take a chance on beef at any time."

For those still not sure about what beef is safe to eat here is a simple test that should help you decide whether or not to eat that steak on your plate.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Gibson Vies For Public Sympathy To Save Career

News whores from around the world are currently experiencing what can only be described as a feeding frenzy after news leaked out that Mel Gibson, one of Hollywood’s biggest stars, was arrested for driving under the influence of alcohol in Malibu early this month.

But the arrest itself is not what’s keeping the story alive, it’s the potty-mouth racial slurs that has caught the attention of everyone.

People all over the world are asking the same question these days.

“Is Mel Gibson an anti-Semite or just a drunken belligerent asshole with a foul mouth?”

The actor, who prior to being taken into custody on Friday, was seen partying his ass off at a local hot spot in this tiny coastal enclave that is home to many celebrities and witnesses say he was pretty toasted when he left.

Police officers stopped the vehicle after they noticed the car was being driven erratically and at very high speeds along Pacific Coast Highway.

Being ever the actor, Gibson's lame assed attempt to divert attention away from his drunken ass along with the open alcohol container discovered in his vehicle, he let loose in a verbal diatribe of off the cuff anti-Semetic verbal sewage.

According to a report on, it is clear to see the Mr. Gibson was not a happy camper.

His comments were as follows: "Fucking Jews... The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world," after which he posed a question to the deputy. "Are you a Jew?"

Gibson, who with the help of a high priced celebrity publicist, is currently on damage control hoping to save his career.

“I am not an anti-Semite, some of my best friends are [fucking] Jews, and most of the time they provide the [fucking] financing for my [fucking] movies” Gibson said at a press conference earlier this week. “I am just an ignorant [fucking] asshole and I love my [fucking] career…did I say I love [fucking] Jews...I love [fucking] Jews, please give me my 'Holocaust' series back...I promise to keep my [fucking] mouth shut?”

Although his excuse for this inexplicable behavior is still under the scrutiny of the world, one political insider is saying that this was all a hoax, that the lines were scripted by government officials who were hoping to divert the publics attention away from the embarrassing failed attempt by Condolesa Rice to bring some kind of resolution to the war in the Middle East, which of course involves many Jews.


The female officer who Gibson referred to as “Sweet Tits” after he noticed her watching the debacle he was making of himself is in the process of negotiating a new multi-million dollar career.

One of Hollywood’s most prolific television producers saw her during the news coverage and offered her the leading role in a series they have been developing for the fall called Malibu Bust:CSI, which will co-star Pamela Anderson.

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Obesity Tied To Starbucks Crash

An elderly gentleman in California took matters into his own hands this month in a rather unusual attempt to help curb the gluttonous obsession by Los Angeles residents who can no longer live without their fattening coffee drinks.

The slight-built retired nutritionist, using his senior status and demented mental capacity to throw police off, used his car as a battering ram to clear out the patio area of a local Starbucks leaving 10 people seriously injured.

He told police he'd had problems with his car's brakes recently, but police later discovered that the 80ish senior had had run-ins with several other coffee houses in the past.

During the investigation detectives at the scene recovered a photo album from the back seat of the suspects vehicle, which contained numerous pictures of his recently deceased obese wife who, in nearly all of the pictures, was clutching a cup of coffee topped off with whipped cream from a local java house.

"I guess he'd had to put up with his wife's largeness for so many years that it tainted his judgment and he finally just lost it," said a spokesman for the police department.

One witness whose estimated weight was somewhere in the area of 475 pounds credits his over indulgence of frappacino's over the years for saving not only his life but several others who, had the car not come to a dead halt when it hit his chair, would have been directly in the cars line of fire.

"For the first time in my life I feel like a hero," he said. "If it had not been for my wide girth I'm sure many others would have been hurt."

Authorities say that this tragic event and others similar in nature could be prevented if consumers heeded the recent warnings about the high calorie content of the fancy drinks many coffee establishments are currently serving.

See related article: "Does This Coffee Make My Ass Look Fat?" posted June 16 at The Not-So News/JBLA.
My Photo
Location: Los Angeles, California, United States

One day I was sitting in front of my computer trying to capture an image, but instead, the computer caught my soul. I have been living inside this little box for some time now and I like it when people visit. Come on, you know you want to tell me something...

Get my banner code or create your own banner

Powered by Blogger

Add to Technorati Favorites
referer referrer referers referrers http_referer
get this clock
I got a Goldstar
BlogAdvance Top Blogs
Solution Graphics
Enter your Email

Powered by FeedBlitz

Powered by Blogger

............................................................................... web site promotion Funniest Video
  • 'BEST BLOG OF THE DAY' JULY 1, 2006 Read The Review .........................................