THE "NOT-SO" NEWS/JBLA: Budget Cuts Leaving Americans Mad As Hell

Friday, August 04, 2006

Budget Cuts Leaving Americans Mad As Hell

The absurditiy of American budget cuts may soon affect the way most people enjoy a meal and will likely lead to more and more people asking "Where's The Beef"?

The U.S. Department of Agriculture, in an effort to save some $35 million a year, is denying a Kansas beef producer from testing their cattle for that nasty mad cow disease, otherwise known as brain wasting disease, (bovine spongiform encephalopathy) because they would unfortunately set a good example that would require the same rigorous testing by other livestock companies.

"Eh...so we lose a few people here and there," said a spokesman for the USDA. "We've crunched the numbers and there's simply not enough people dying to warrent this kind of departmental spending."

According to one study, only 1% of the roughly 100,000 cattle slaughtered daily in the U.S. are tested, and that according to the USDA, will soon be reduced by 90%, which means they will test only 110 cows a day.

Nearly every country has banned or partially banned importing American beef because they feel that the U.S. is not committed enough to perform these simple tests which could save thousands of peoples lives over the next millinium.

Several vegetarian groups however are hailing this as a victory for their cause.

"We've always been against eating meat in any way, shape or form," said the CEO of Yellow Skin Foods, a company that supplies vegetables and fish to most restaurants across America. "It is far better to eat vegetables grown in toxic soil and mercury laden fish than to take a chance on beef at any time."

For those still not sure about what beef is safe to eat here is a simple test that should help you decide whether or not to eat that steak on your plate.

11 Comments:

Blogger Morgen said...

mmmmm... steak....
I'll have mine medium-rare, please with some A-1 sauce.
Surely that A-1 will kill any bad mad shit, won't it?!?

It's only a matter of time before the USDA & the FDA kill us with their "kindness".

9:30 AM  
Blogger Julie said...

You're freaking me out!!! I don't know what's real and what's fake!!! This is making the dried beef pieces in my Nurtisystem meals too even scarier now! AHHHH!!!

9:44 AM  
Blogger jbwritergirl said...

M: If you fry the shite out of it and eat it shortly after it has been nearly incinerated you won't have to worry about mad cow, but I would suggest getting an oncologist, just in case.

J: You'll be okay. Don't let me freak you out. Just keep telling yourself it's chicken, then you only have to worry about bird flu.

10:47 AM  
Blogger jbwritergirl said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

10:48 AM  
Blogger jbwritergirl said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

11:16 AM  
Blogger meloncutter said...

Whoa!!!!! Mad cow affects beef? I thought it was a recurring illness affecting women one week a month. I always got ready to hide when I saw the spouse bring home boxes of them pontoon thingies. Dang,,, ya learn something new every day.

3:43 PM  
Blogger jbwritergirl said...

ARR ARR ARR.

I never thought of it that way.

I suppose the affects of the monthly cycle depends on the size of the cow.

3:59 PM  
Blogger Andrew said...

Hi JB! Just came from Penny's place (aka the land of the blog addicts) and I wanted to contribute in my own small way to your eventual TV comedy. If you need to fill the role of the advice guy who likes to sneak a joke in now and then when nobody's looking, give me a call. I'll try not to get the casting couch confused with the shrink couch.

And btw, what sort of monthy visit count would producers and, in my case, publishers consider as "impressive"? I've been watching my counts go up rapidly - first time visitors have been leaving nice comments about coming back and apparently they are making good on their promises.

7:13 PM  
Blogger jbwritergirl said...

I'm not sure Andrew on the counts. You really need to look at, rather than how many visits or hits you get, it's mostly about how long they stay.

Unfortunately I will be the entire cast. Yeah, I know pretty egotistical but that's part of the joke of the show.

You'll just have to wait and see. I may do a trial run on YouTube just to see how people react to the idea.

Thanks for coming by again.

Jacqui

7:26 PM  
Blogger Andrew said...

Prop guy? Stage hand? Stress relief between takes? C'mon, I could be useful, I just know it! (Although don't tell my friends over at "Useless Advice from Useless Men" - I don't want to blow my image.)

I notice you're using Site Meter too. You must get what I do, lots of 0:00 durations. I looked up on Site Meter help and they say this doesn't necessarily mean a quick visit, merely that the visitor eventually exited in a way Site Meter couldn't detect so no duration could be measured. Are you getting this too?

By the way, Pawlie over at The Laughorist seems to want your take on this broohah over the magazine cover with the nursing baby :o)

6:12 AM  
Blogger Morgen said...

Andrew, I get to be stage manager (might as well use that degree...)

and interesting factoid about site meter. I just figured 0:00 was from surfers who didn't stay long enough to be a blip on the radar.

JB: still waiting for your take on Mr "I'm not doping, I'm Just Horny" Tour De France winner!

8:18 AM  

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