Rice Nearly Eaten Alive—Returns To U.S.

Sending Rice to sate two war-torn Middle Eastern countries appetites through a peacekeeping effort failed miserably and has many political gadflies calling this America’s latest political embarrassment.

Rice returned to Washington this week with her tail between her legs after Beirut officials announced she would likely become the main appetizer if she were to step foot in the Capitol because of her cease-fire veto.

"I knew I was about to get my own damn ass kicked so I decided to get the hell out of there and work from home," Rice said.

Critics say the only good thing Rice managed to negotiate during the time she spent there was a one day air strike ban allowing relatives to recover the bodies of family members killed in last weeks bombing of a building, which killed more than two dozen innocent victims, 17 of who were children.

Both teams agreed to keep their rocket launchers parked temporarily but have upped their ground troups in order to continue to pummel the shit out of each other on the ground.

World wide anger against this botched peace effort rose to a fever pitch after this latest bombing in the tiny southern Lebanese town of Qana where those with no other place to go sought refuge.

In order to save face Israeli officials apparently borrowed a page from the Bush administration, who in 2003 sent thousands of troops to Iraq to destroy that country’s weapons of mass destruction which of course was later discovered not to actually exist.

They claim they were completely justified in this attack of innocent people citing that the building that was destroyed was a housing facility for Lebanese munitions.

One distraught family member who refused to be identified said this excuse to cover killing innocent people is just another attempt by the government to incite civilians in such a way that they will lose any sense of sanity, pick up a gun and join the battle.

“Of course we sent our children to hide in a building full of bombs and guns and other munitions because we knew they’d be safe there, give me a fucking break,” he said. “Somebody fucked up and for those of us who have suffered insurmountable losses in a war we don’t agree should be happening are now being forced into combat to avenge the death of our family members--it’s how army’s are created here.”

He went on to say that ‘although I am a peaceful man you can only be slapped around by a bully for so long before you decide that it’s time to slap back’.

Lebanese officials would neither confirm nor deny this allegation, but did report that this newly arisen conflict has exponentially increased the number of soldiers currently fighting.

While the 'did not--did too' argument rages on OVER THERE, here at home, military leaders are currently trying to figure out how to divy up American battlions equitably in order to join in what is commonly being referred to now as World War III.

“As soon as we receive the funding that had previously been allocated to the now veto’d embryonic stem cell research program, we will begin deployment to the Middle East,” said a spokesman for the department of defense.

“We are a country who thrives on stirring other peoples soup and with the possible resolution in Iraq coming over the next year, we will shift much of our focus to this new crisis to keep our young men and women employed—it’s the American way.”