THE "NOT-SO" NEWS/JBLA: California Beaches A Real Gas

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

California Beaches A Real Gas

The heat is on in Los Angeles and many residents are seeking relief from not only the rising temperatures but the sooty smoke filled air caused by the raging wildfires in the mountains of Yucca Valley.

While many residents will head to local parks to make use of public pools and indoor facilities millions of others are willing to take a 'crap shoot' at some of California's most polluted beaches.

One young man identified only as Pedro due to his illegal status said he spends as much time as possible hoping to catch a little of the bad shit so he can make use of the public health care system.

"I try go see regular doc but they not see me for I have no money," Pedro said. "I get a little ocean water in my belly for free then see doc at hospital and they fix my gas problem and everything else that's wrong and it not cost me nada."

Pedro is not alone in his quest to keep cool while enjoying the benefits of free medical care.

A joint study by the University of California-Los Angeles and Stanford University has found that more than 1.5 million people are infected by the bacterial pollution, which causes gastrointestinal illness whose symptoms include stomach cramps, diarrhea and vomiting.

Annual healthcare costs are estimated to lie somewhere between $21 million to $414 million, and because the largest population in Los Angeles cannot afford swimming holes of their own officials say the numbers are likely to rise.

"What's wrong with these fricking people who are not using any common sense?" said one official who declined to be identified. "If you see a piece of shit floating in front of your face in the ocean or come upon an area that has been littered with medical cast offs such as hypodermic needles and trashed body parts get the hell out of the water and stay out of it."

While the risks of getting sick rank high there was one rather large group from Weight Watchers who claims the benefit of such infections keeps their digestive systems fully functional without the added burden of spending countless dollars on fiber laxatives.

"When the shit hits the fan...the shit really hits the fan," said one participant of the WW group. "I can drop nearly eight pounds a day after a romp in these contaminated waters."

This problem has become a global concern and officials at the White House say they will step in if California's Governor Arnold Schwartzenegger cannot contain the amount of pollution draining off into the coastal waters.

An official press release from President George Bush was released to the media early this morning, which made it clear how the plan should be implemented.

"What they need to do is get Arnold to get business to stop draining their shit into the ocean, and it's over."


Blogger webangel said...

That was excellent, what a great read, you truly are a gifted writer with a great 'wit' about you. Keep on going and it will sustain you.

Blessings Always,

7:03 AM  
Blogger Penrick said...

I love your writing style.

It's hard to be upset with the gov. for allowing so much contamination and pollution intentionally, but the number of morons living there and loving it are mind boggling.

3:16 PM  
Blogger jbwritergirl said...

Webangel, I'm so glad you've officially come to my site with comments. Love you madly

Penrick, like you said anyone dumb enough to take a dip hoping to use up all our health resources is pretty moronic.

1:33 PM  

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