Virginity No Laughing Matter At PBS

Fearing future problems, possible lawsuits and complaints from red state children, PBS fired Melanie Martinez, the host of the PBS Kids Sprout's "The Good Night Show" after she revealed that she had appeared in videos called "Technical Virgin" Saving Yourself.

The two videos, which spoof PSA's about how young women can keep their virginity, were shot long before Martinez was hired to host the PBS show where she uses a puppet to lull children between the ages of 2 - 5 into a dreamy state shortly before retiring for the night.

Executives feel that the repercussions of such 'virginal' promotion would only serve to deter many of these young viewers who spend a huge amount of time each day searching the web without their parents knowledge for various sexually oriented websites in pursuit of becoming better educated.

"We here at PBS do not promote virginity in any form," said a spokesman for the show. "The audacity of this actress telling young women how they can hold onto their cherry longer than need be is an act against mankind and cannot be tolerated, especially now that we know that her puppet moves had an ulterior motive all along."

Martinez, a stage actress and mother to a toddler, was surprised by the immediate firing and had this warning for others who may fill her now empty host seat.

"Keep your fricking mouth shut," she said.

PBS announced they would replace the show temporarily with reruns of "Lassie" but are expected to edit out any show related to the dog being in heat during mating season.