Obesity Tied To Starbucks Crash

An elderly gentleman in California took matters into his own hands this month in a rather unusual attempt to help curb the gluttonous obsession by Los Angeles residents who can no longer live without their fattening coffee drinks.

The slight-built retired nutritionist, using his senior status and demented mental capacity to throw police off, used his car as a battering ram to clear out the patio area of a local Starbucks leaving 10 people seriously injured.

He told police he'd had problems with his car's brakes recently, but police later discovered that the 80ish senior had had run-ins with several other coffee houses in the past.

During the investigation detectives at the scene recovered a photo album from the back seat of the suspects vehicle, which contained numerous pictures of his recently deceased obese wife who, in nearly all of the pictures, was clutching a cup of coffee topped off with whipped cream from a local java house.

"I guess he'd had to put up with his wife's largeness for so many years that it tainted his judgment and he finally just lost it," said a spokesman for the police department.

One witness whose estimated weight was somewhere in the area of 475 pounds credits his over indulgence of frappacino's over the years for saving not only his life but several others who, had the car not come to a dead halt when it hit his chair, would have been directly in the cars line of fire.

"For the first time in my life I feel like a hero," he said. "If it had not been for my wide girth I'm sure many others would have been hurt."

Authorities say that this tragic event and others similar in nature could be prevented if consumers heeded the recent warnings about the high calorie content of the fancy drinks many coffee establishments are currently serving.


See related article: "Does This Coffee Make My Ass Look Fat?" posted June 16 at The Not-So News/JBLA.