THE "NOT-SO" NEWS/JBLA: Obesity Tied To Starbucks Crash

Tuesday, August 01, 2006

Obesity Tied To Starbucks Crash

An elderly gentleman in California took matters into his own hands this month in a rather unusual attempt to help curb the gluttonous obsession by Los Angeles residents who can no longer live without their fattening coffee drinks.

The slight-built retired nutritionist, using his senior status and demented mental capacity to throw police off, used his car as a battering ram to clear out the patio area of a local Starbucks leaving 10 people seriously injured.

He told police he'd had problems with his car's brakes recently, but police later discovered that the 80ish senior had had run-ins with several other coffee houses in the past.

During the investigation detectives at the scene recovered a photo album from the back seat of the suspects vehicle, which contained numerous pictures of his recently deceased obese wife who, in nearly all of the pictures, was clutching a cup of coffee topped off with whipped cream from a local java house.

"I guess he'd had to put up with his wife's largeness for so many years that it tainted his judgment and he finally just lost it," said a spokesman for the police department.

One witness whose estimated weight was somewhere in the area of 475 pounds credits his over indulgence of frappacino's over the years for saving not only his life but several others who, had the car not come to a dead halt when it hit his chair, would have been directly in the cars line of fire.

"For the first time in my life I feel like a hero," he said. "If it had not been for my wide girth I'm sure many others would have been hurt."

Authorities say that this tragic event and others similar in nature could be prevented if consumers heeded the recent warnings about the high calorie content of the fancy drinks many coffee establishments are currently serving.


See related article: "Does This Coffee Make My Ass Look Fat?" posted June 16 at The Not-So News/JBLA.

22 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

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3:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, i was looking over your blog and didn't
quite find what I was looking for. I'm looking for
different ways to earn money... I did find this though...
a place where you can make some nice extra cash secret shopping.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
make extra money

4:08 PM  
Blogger Michael C said...

Well, I was tired and thirsty for coffee, but I think I'll weigh myself instead. And then run 5 miles!

Great Post!

6:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, i was looking over your blog and didn't
quite find what I was looking for. I'm looking for
different ways to earn money... I did find this though...
a place where you can make some nice extra cash secret shopping.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
make extra money

7:41 PM  
Blogger JR's Thumbprints said...

Hey "I'm Making Extra Money" Anonymous, with all that cash you can drink the best coffee there is. "If it ain't five bucks, then it ain't Starbucks." Just watch your weight, and remember, all that caffeine can make you punchy, where you start responding to the same blog with the same comments over and over and over. --Jim

8:16 PM  
Anonymous the laughorist said...

Gives me an idea for a new product, "The Fatte Latte." It's never available to go, obviously. Hey, Anonymous: jump on it!

8:27 PM  
Blogger Michael C said...

If they're outta Fatte Latte, how about a venti grande Fatta Frappacinno? Or Morbid Mocha?

9:41 PM  
Anonymous Mistress Regina said...

It appears the anonymous one is looking for a way to make money. Seeking to buy a spine, perhaps.

I put in a vote for you on the Best Blogs site. You do great work.

Stop by when you have a chance, will you? Ladies, Goddesses And Bitches. Would like to see about arranging a link exchange.

11:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, i was looking over your blog and didn't
quite find what I was looking for. I'm looking for
different ways to earn money... I did find this though...
a place where you can make some nice extra cash secret shopping.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
make extra money

11:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi, i was looking over your blog and didn't
quite find what I was looking for. I'm looking for
different ways to earn money... I did find this though...
a place where you can make some nice extra cash secret shopping.
I made over $900 last month having fun!
make extra money

1:00 AM  
Blogger Clampett said...

heh.

Fabulous.

2:57 AM  
Blogger Morgen said...

D: looks like it's time to enable Word Verification on your comments sections. Sorry -- I had to recently just for the same spammin' reasons.

But as for your post: was this guy Venti-ing his rage? A Frappacino Fracas?
MMmmmm -- I could go for a Grande Chai Tea right now. Half-skim, extra shot, no whip. (no, I'm not a Starbucks fan, can you tell?)
~ Morgen

8:05 AM  
Blogger Morgen said...

Okay, sorry, meant to type JB: instead of D: at the top of that last comment...
I'll blame it on the caffeine! I usually only drink tea, but this morning I stopped and got a 20 oz coffee at the gas station 'cuz we were w/out a/c last night and I didn't sleep well.
Now, a 20 oz coffee, 2 donuts and a Snapple later, I am clearly buzzed. And where's my Chai?!?

8:37 AM  
Blogger jbwritergirl said...

Dear anonymous,

Now that you've reviewed my page 8 million times, I have a suggestion for you.

Stay the hell out and pay a visit to the employment office. I'm sure they can help you there.

But on the other hand with all these coffee name suggestion maybe we could all get together and start a "Name Brand" business, then maybe anonymous would come out of the closet and identify themself in seeking employment with our company.

And Morgan, sorry about the A/C, believe me I feel your pain but with the buzz you've got going on now I'm sure you can probably climb the pole in two seconds and fix it yourself.

jacqui

(yes I've turned on that hideous verification system which I abhore)

8:52 AM  
Blogger Morgen said...

I know what you mean about the abhorance of the verification system. But after I got 18 spam-blasted comments in one hour, I had to do it, too. Is there a not-so news story in this? Surely spam-bots are worse than bird flu?

11:09 AM  
Blogger Heidi said...

Damn! Time to give up my 2 cup a day addiction! What's next....

11:25 AM  
Blogger Ron Bramlett said...

I only drink coffee when I'm away from home. When I'm home, I'm hooked on Rip-Itâ„¢ Energy drinks from WallyWorld.

1:24 PM  
Blogger thethinker said...

I knew there was a good reason I don't drink coffee.

4:01 PM  
Blogger Penrick said...

I detest the confirmation as well, but it helps in the long run.

I'm now dying to get a cup of coffee though - I just need to have a rear view mirror with me at all times.

4:51 PM  
Blogger Pawlie Kokonuts said...

I just wanted to give you a 20th comment. Round numbers. That sort of fetish. Must be my mild OCD kicking in (I say mild because, you know, the house is a mess). And, JB, it was early on at your urgent insistence that I dropped word verification. I'm just not popular enough with Anonymous for it to be an issue.


YET.

6:27 PM  
Blogger meloncutter said...

I just thought I would add a comment here to throw off the round numbers and drive Pawlie crazy and he would have to add another 9 comments. I get into this contrary mood when I haven't had my morning coffee yet.

great post.

Later Yall.

3:13 AM  
Blogger terra shield said...

Hi...

Interesting post, surprisingly I was just having a cup of already cold coffee (no thanks to the air conditioning)

Anyway, your post got me thinking about caramel frapuccino :)

4:41 AM  

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