THE "NOT-SO" NEWS/JBLA: October 2008

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Foreign Clinic Comes Into Money

A clinic announced today that they will be offering a new service to those women who are dissatisfied with their vagina's.

A spokeswoman for the clinic said it does not matter whether you hurt it in an accident or would just like a few tweaks here and there they can do just about anything.

Some of the procedures include reconfiguring, lessen or widening the circumference, or they can just make it esthetically pleasing. Follow up visits are encouraged to test the results of the surgery.

"We encourage you to come any time you want," said Dr.Matutuwa.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Farting Has Health Benefits

The media has bombarded us with the health benefits of drinking wine on a daily basis, getting in enough exercise to tone the flab, and eating a proper diet to keep the pipes working, and now there is another dietary supplement that scientists say may possibly save your life.

Eating a can of beans or any other product that produces gas may become the new health standard. A recently released study posted on Live Science says that hydrogen sulfide regulates blood pressure and may be used as drug therapy for those whose pressure fluctuates.

"That rotten-egg smell should be taken as a sign of health," officials say. "When farts occur you should be able to see a change in the air pattern similar to when heat hits the pavement."

"We've tested the theory on mice and it seems to prove true," said one unidentified source, adding that if you happen to be in a grocery store on senior shopping day you can see and hear for yourself that many seniors have already discovered the health extending benefits of passing gas without a second thought.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Whitehouse-Outhouse: It's All The Same Crap

A new poll released this week says that nearly every politician feels one step above their constituents.

Even die hard republican fans who have been teetering on the fence as to who their vote will go to during this monumental election are in agreement with Democrats that something has to change.

"We know that we don't want another eight years like we've had," said one unidentified fan. "We are coming to the understanding that if the Republican party is reelected it is quite possible that the 'shit will really hit the fan' this time and we're tired of feeling like crap."

Everyone is scambling to figure out who the best bullshitter is and switching teams seems to be the flavor of the day. Besides, as history has proven we all know Once You Go Black, You Can Never Go Back!

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Monday, October 20, 2008

Bailout Bill Reaching Out To Millions

The financial crisis America finds itself in is nothing new. The adopted policy of 'been there, done that' leads everyone to believe that recovery from such monumental debt is doable.

Banking institutions are reaping the benefit of the bailout while citizens are sitting back asking themselves 'what about me'? What they fail to realize is that there is much fine print in this stimulus bill that reaches beyond those who put us in peril of losing everything.

The clause, which was added to ensure fairness, suggests that Viagra be distributed for free to every tax paying citizen. Opponents to this package state that this stimulus package will create a false sense of growth and will likely keep you up at night more so than before the shit hit the fan.

An unidentified spokesman for the government said this was a difficult but necessary decision adding that American's have always been between a rock and a hard place.

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Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Bend Over America...This Is Going To Hurt

Everyone across the nation is waiting for the fallout after government officials passed the new bailout bill to rescue big corporations, including many financial institutions.

It apparently will have no affect on AIG officials who recently spent $440,000 after getting their slice of the pie on a resort get-away to help their managers unwind and destress before jumping back into work.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Somethings Burning...But It Ain't Me

I had every intention of reporting this story live but discovered I had a dead microphone.

As every reporter knows there are many slants on a story so I went in a different direction. Instead of making it a harrowing experience I created a symphony and let the music tell the story.

Was I worried about the flying cinders or wind swept flames? The answer is simple--NO!

After the story I posted earlier about the flame retardant chemicals seeping into the blood of California residents I decided to test the theory myself. It appears the scientists were right. We are invincible when it comes to wild fires. I was not singed once in the making of this movie!

California Residents Most Retarded

A new study just released by researchers states that over the past 30 years residents of California have become more and more flame resistant.

Unknowingly we have been given super powers to walk through flames unharmed.

This is good news for those who constantly face the annual burn caused by natural phenomena's such as lightning stikes, or unnatural phenomena's such as arsonists.

"This is great news because now I won't have to evacuate every time the fire season hits," said a resident of a hillside that sees a fire once or twice a year. "The house may go but I know that I'll still be alive and kicking."

The new data supports this after lengthy testing on human blood. The fire retardant chemical polybrominated diphenyl ethers, or PBDE's, has been used in the manufacturing of furniture, bedding and clothes for more than thirty years. It enters the blood stream through the skin and through inhalation in the form of dust particles. Californians have twice the level in their blood than any other state in the U.S., and their homes have ten times that amount.

It is believed that many residents will rest easy knowing that they will not spontaneously combust if they drop a cigarette on their lap or run through a wild fire.

Saturday, October 04, 2008

Melamine Issue Heats Up

There is both good and bad news regarding the MELAMINE poisoning that has ripped through the headlines over the past few years.

The Food and Drug Administration has released a new report that confirms that consumers will only be ingesting a few particles at a time if they eat products containing the resin base material. The report also stated that there are 'safe levels' that can be ingested by nearly everyone. The bad news is that, depending on the size of your digestive tract, it can also kill you especially if you are an infant.

This was only discovered after more than 50,000 babies in China were stricken by acute kidney failure after drinking Melamine laced baby formula. Several infants reportedly died because their small tiny bodies could not digest the chemical.

Chinese manufacturers, known for their technological advances and money saving tactics, challenged that theory first by poisoning dogs and cats in early 2007 by adding the nitrogen-rich chemical to pet food. Their secret may have gone unnoticed had pets instinctively snubbed the tainted food, but that is not the case. Instead pets trusted their owners to know that the food they were serving them would keep them healthy and fit, not lead them to kidney related ailments and/or death.

Of course manufactures, who are usually creatures of habit, have gone even further by adding the chemical to candy just in time for Halloween, and pretzels just in time for the holidays. The list is endless it appears [click on headline for a list of more tainted products] so consumers should be wary of anything that melts in your mouth but not in your hands. This is a clear sign that it takes heat to break down the chemical in Melamine.

Even though the news is bad there is one more upside for those who have ingested more than they can handle. When a person dies from an illness related to Melamine poisoning they can choose to remain with their family after opting for cremation.

One option is to have the ashes reformulated for use in the kitchen. Mortuary designers can turn anyone's contaminated ashes into laminate counter tops that can be tinted to a variety of colors and designed to fit your space.

If you want more bang for your buck you can opt to spread the ashes into equal parts to create an entire set of storage containers, which will allow you to have contact with your loved ones on a daily basis and are far easier to share with relatives of the deceased.

Either option is affordable and environmentally correct.

Scientists around the world agree that reformulating a loved one is safer than scattering the ashes because of the possible impact on the ozone layer.
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