THE "NOT-SO" NEWS/JBLA: February 2007

Sunday, February 18, 2007

The Not So Funny News

I'm sure many of you are wondering what is going on with my site since I have had a severe lack of posts in the past month or so. I guess I'm just suffering from humor deprivation or something. Can't quite put my finger on it but maybe it's time to switch formats as I had planned on some time ago.

I am currently learning how to edit live footage on my computer because I would like to begin a series of live broadcasts. Perhaps this has zapped my quick wit at crazy news or I've just gotten completely lazy, your guess is as good as mine at this point. I have so many half finished stories in my draft cache that it is mind boggling why I can't just commit to finishing one or two. Burn out.. maybe or a change is coming! Guess you'll all have to stay tuned to find out what happens in this continuing saga of blogitis.

So, instead I will plug my hubby's new album that will be released at the end of the month. "White Sand" has a great supply of guest artists such as Al Jareau and Bobby Caldwell. If anyone who lives in LA or in the vicinity of Long Beach is interested, the record release party will be on March 1 at The Vault in Long Beach. It will be a great party so come on out.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Happy Valentines Day, Daddy!

After a 15 month search, three out of several siblings looking for their father finally know who donor 150 is.

Jeffrey Harrison of Venice California has come forward this Valentines Day to end his biological children's curiosity so they could see first hand who he is.

So far as he can tell he has children in New York, Colorado, Florida, New York, Los Angeles and Pennsylvania, and he expects that several others will be revealed soon.

In the 80's, Harrison became a twice-weekly sperm donor at California Cryobank. It was, at the time, an easy way to supplement his income earning him an extra $400 a month while providing the means for women to finally have the chance to become mothers.

So far, according to reports, he has met three of them or has at least spoken to them on the phone, and he expects others to come looking for him.

When asked what the first thing he said to them was, he simply replied, "Hey Squirt."

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Virus Affecting Millions

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.

The virus, commonly known as 'Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer' or more simply put, 'WORK', has been said to infect people world wide.

If you are the unlucky recipient of 'WORK' from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means--DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, virus control experts suggest you take two good friends to the nearest grocery store where you can purchase the antidote known as 'Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract' (WINE) or 'Bothersome-Employer- Elimination-Rebooter' (BEER). The suggested dosage is to take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Alli Fights Fat

Hoping to light the fire under the ass of obesity and to increase idiotic drug sales, the FDA has approved a new nonprescription diet pill.

The fat-blocking weight-loss pill is expected to fly off the shelves, but many experts warn that consumers would benefit more by spending the money on a gym membership or personal trainer.

"Many people will be discouraged when they take the pill home and really take a good look at the medical insert that states that without diet and exercise they will not likely loose weight," said one expert in weight loss. "What they should be putting out there are inexpensive memberships to health clubs rather than filling people will false hope that the pounds will just melt away by popping a pill."

For those putting their trust in these drugs, officials say that users should be cautious because when you block fat from being absorbed into your stomach, you are likely going to crap your brains out or experience some kind of gastrointestinal problems.

One researcher who opposes the FDA's approval of this pill said if a good crap is all you need to lose weight then he suggests finding a local Mexican restaurant within walking distance and enjoying a good bowl of refried beans rather than taking a chance on developing pre-cancerous lesion on your colon.

"This we know is a proven fact and the only side affect may be a little sweating during discharge quickly followed by a sense of colonic relief," he said. "Let's face it, when those beans take affect about halfway home you're going to burn a lot more calories running the rest of the way back."

Friday, February 09, 2007

Farming Ends In California

California is taking drastic steps to prevent another E. coli outbreak caused by locally grown spinach and lettuce by banning farming in the state.

"The State feel it's time to make the move because come Valentines Day we will also likely be accused of getting people knocked up due to the ingestion of locally grown chocolate covered strawberries," said an official. "It's always something!"

State lawmakers have been tossing around several options to offer farmers who, themselves, are fed up with the agricultural restrictions put upon them since the death of three people last year and the sickening of nearly 200 others across the nation who had eaten some of the tainted produce.

"We want to give them an easy out and feel that by offering them job training in other fields so to speak, we will serve not only those looking for a change but will save the state from any more embarrassing moments," the official said.

Instead of digging around in the dirt many farmers are choosing one of the most interesting options being offered that will have others 'digging them while being dirty'. In a first ever agreement, one of the largest all male performance companies, Ship N' Nails have agreed to hire and train more than 1,000 farmers to join their team as part of their global expansion plan.

Although many who chose this new path over option B, to enlist or re-enlist in the service and be on the governments tab, or option C, to become campaigne workers during the upcoming 2008 elections, most say they are not all that worried that the bulk of their day will be spent showing off their zucchini and brussel spouts to screaming sweating patrons.

"For the most part it will be difficult taking a cut in pay but I hope to make up for that in tips," said one farmer who feels that his years of toiling in the dirt have kept him in pretty good shape.

As to health regulations, those participating in this innovative new career choice said they are well versed in health inspectors hanging around constantly because their crops were always being fouled by wild pigs or fat cows so being tested for bodily bacteria will be a walk in the park.

"For once in my life I can honestly say I am looking forward to a new breed of wild pigs."

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Stress Can Alter Lifestyle

A newly released study says that stress is not the problem--it's how we handle it.

For millions of people the solution is easy thanks to so many generous pill pushing doctors, but for those willing to suffer through the long haul medication free there are definite steps you can take to avoid going over the edge.

The study suggests that having lots and lots of money can eliminate most peoples problems, even when those stressors involve children. It also suggests that 'having' children is not the problem, it's having children for the rest of your lives that really screws you up.

"Pregnancy is often the most joyous time in a new families life but when the realization finally hits that they will be yours until the day you die the stress begins to build," said one researcher. "Anyone who is prone to stress should do as the drug companies say..take two aspirins and keep away from children."

Another suggestion is move to warmer climates so that you will not be stuck inside your house 24/7 with your family members.

"Unless you have the patience of a saint or a separate wing for unruly tots it is best to live somewhere where you can banish them to the outdoors until they look hungry enough to kill, then you can let them back inside."

It also suggests that colder climates trigger stress because of unexpected financial burdens forced on the general public by ever increasing heating and oil bills. Many people manage to save a little extra for a rainy day but most of the time it is absorbed as quickly as it is saved by these ever increasing costs of living.

One of the most important aspects associated with stress is loneliness. If you are not getting any, many people turn to self satisfaction however, if you are not good at this there is the definite possibility that you can inadvertently alienate your own damn self leaving you with no other course but to go out seeking sexual satisfaction with no strings attached.

Many experts say there are a multitude of ways in which you can eliminate or avoid stress:

1. Hoard your money until you are so stinking rich no bill will affect your daily routine.
2. Exercise or if you are stinking rich, have someone else do it for you.
3. Avoid stressors like children, both yours or other peoples.
4. Quit your mundane boring job.
5. Never look too closely in the mirror until after showering or better yet, have all mirrors removed from your dwelling.
6. Have sex on a regular basis, preferably with a partner.

To see just what stress can do to you, upload a photo and take the age-o-matic test here:

Stress Test

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

WTF Is With This Writers Block?

Well, here it is Wednesday and not a post as it should be. I guess for the first time in many years I've gotten a case of writers block. YIKES!!!

It doesn't happen often but when it does it brings to mind that we are all just humans, flawed, warted and sometimes so tied up in life that we leave little or no room for our creative sides.

I've saved a spot for everyday I haven't posted with some pretty good story ideas, but each time I started to write something my mind wandered about so I just walked away from the computer and did something else. Ah...the mind of the ADD adult. I had thought writing about what the Pope said, that killing someone, putting them down mercifully to end an otherwise hopeless painfilled life was wrong and I had to ask myself if each time I put someone down, was it another step towards hell? Mmmmm? And then I read something about children having their stomachs sewn shut to help them lose weight and I had to wonder whether or not the parents of these obese kids should have just installed a lock on the kitchen door instead of putting these tykes through such major surgery.

And then I read the story about the super horny female butterflies and I had to ask myself whether or not I could emulate them during these menopausal years just to disprove the fact that missing hormones are not to blame for what many females experience as a dissipating desire to satisfy themselves and their mates. Are they truly not horny or are they just to tired for sex having picked up after everyone all day, every day?

All thoughts to ponder yes, but inspirational...I guess not, at least for me.

I've visited many blogs during this time and it is my understanding that many people who have been blogging for a long time are now hitting the wall so to speak. Some have even considered quitting, but, we all know that no matter what, these blogs are our lifeline to the outside world. We rant, we rave, we make up a lot of shit and some of you, you know who you are, actually offer some great services or advice.

Every day that I have gone to my blog in the past few weeks I've been getting the itch to hit the button I've been avoiding forever...the 'switch to new blogger' button that keeps informing me that they are ready and patiently waiting for me to just press the frigging button. I've had the urge but I just can't quite push it. What am I afraid of? Damned if I know, but I keep getting this odd feeling that when I do eventually take the leap of faith, my entire blog will go out into cyberspace and be gone. I know this is foolish because I see many of you have switched and your blogs look similar but changed. Perhaps I need your input to reassure me that all will not be lost and that I'm just being a big fat baby about this. My blog is certainly not brain surgery but still, I would hate to lose everything I've put into it.

Well, that said, I guess I'll go do some laundry or play with the pup some more or paint my son's room or build that fence out back or...

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Sunday Humor

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here, have this." he said to the statue, "I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a Damned thing."

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Bush Announces New War Funding Strategy

In an attempt to divert attention away from the extreme burden of funding a war everyone is sick of, President Bush is putting his focus on Social Security and Medicare.

Because people are now defying the laws of longevity the Bush administration has decided to eliminate the coverage of certain drugs and health coverage in order to put some kind of cap on life spans.

A spokesman for the White House said that even though drug companies are making consumers take it up the ass by having to, on a regular basis, come up with inexhaustible amounts of money each month to feed their prescribed drug habits, they are tired of hearing billions of complaints.

"We feel that by banning certain drugs we will increase the natural attrition rate and we'll have to listen to fewer and fewer complainers," he said. "If people want to live through these extended years, they should be willing to pay the price without all the sniveling and be ready to sacrifice their drug money for war in a far away land where no one can really see how the money is being spent."

Americans however feel this is just not right. They are tired of paying for a war that will never end and of the countless lives it is costing the U.S. every day.

One anti-war activist who is using Bush's own words against him in his campaign to end Americas fruitless effort to calm a country that does not want to be calmed said that keeping America safe against extremists should include Bush as the number one candidate of extremity.

"Bush is about to ask for another $100 billion for military and diplomatic operations in Iraq and Afghanistan this year and another $145 next year. Imagine how many problems that could solve right here at home," he said. "We could supply everyone with all the meds they need. We could house the homeless and make sure that everyone has healthcare when they need it instead of making them wait until they are too sick to cure before they seek medical attention."

In cutting nearly $70 billion from Medicare and Social Security benefits, the current administration is hoping to stockpile enough money by 2012 to fund whatever war needs to be fought then.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Buff Takes On New Meaning At Gym

With all the new trends being touted by fitness experts, some feel that it's become an 'anything goes' attitude in hopes of motivating people to really get into shape.

In Amsterdam, the owner of one fitness center has come up with Naked Sunday to entice more folks into the gym.

Although many clients were on board with the idea, others were a little leary and said that it may backfire because people will be too embarrassed to bare all, especially in some of the positions that are involved in strenuous workouts.

"This will definitely inspire me to lose weight and get in shape but I'll have to avoid the gym for a while and start working out at home before I participate in a naked workout," said one woman who has struggled all her life to lose the excess weight on her butt. "I can hardly stand to look at my naked body in my own mirror let alone have everyone judge me while I contort my fat ass around some of this equipment.

The issue of cleanliness has also factored in on many peoples decision to find an alternative place to work out.

One woman who spoke to reporters had only this to say, "YUCK!" She did add that although she likes many of the people she works out with, the idea of sitting on equipment that has just had someone's bare ass on it is repulsive to her.

Naked exercisers will be requested to place a towel on seats and disposable seat covers on bikes before they work out but for many who have seen some of these people sweat through their clothes it will not be enough to keep them coming back.
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