Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Laugh For The Day...

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

He asks the blonde clerk

"What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The blonde clerk responds:

"Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The pharmacist yells:

"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"

The blonde clerk responds,

"Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough.


Thursday, May 25, 2006

Size Does Count...

"Short mother f#@ker" is a term often reserved for pissy moods, angry spats or simply how one would describe a vertically challenged person, but, in Nebraska, it is the very thing that saved one sexual predator from spending years in jail among inmates who don't look too kindly on crimes such as this.

According to the Associated Press, a judge had mercy on a 50-year-old 5'1" asshole convicted of sexually assaulting a child. Rather than placing him in a jail facility where he would face a jury of his peers, she sentenced him to 10-years probation on the condition that if he violates his probation, that is, if he is found spending time with anyone under the age of 18-years-old, he will spend 30 days in jail for each year of his sentence.

Now I'm a pretty compassionate person, but when it comes to crimes of this nature, this judge should have thrown the bastard in jail and thrown away the key.

I say "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" or suffer the consequences!

Short my ass!

Update: Prosecuters have filed an appeal recently to overturn this jackass sentence!

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Late Breaking News...

Sherman Oaks was the site of a near tragedy shortly before 11 a.m. today when a man working in a trench was buried alive.

For more details go to NEWSWHORE.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

For The Men Out There...

here's a little morning humor just for you...

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! Where are we going to get more butter? They're going to stick! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him.

"What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied,

"I wanted to show you what it feels like when I m driving."

Monday, May 22, 2006

Wacky Application 2...

I'm getting bored with applying for work so I decided to take another route with this cover letter to a public relations firm seeking an assistant.

It goes as follows: Short-Sweet-And to the Point

Charming, charismatic, humorous, dependable, able to leap tall heaps on a desk without breaking a sweat, familiar with office sexual harrassment policies but am capable of manipulating the rules in order to have a little fun, can be casual or stuffy if need be (prefer casual), like dogs and kids (I have to because I have two), not sure about cats, have the gift of gab so I'm never alone or lonely, definately not shy and not horrible to look at with the exception of my novel writing and blogging hours somewhere between 4 and 5 a.m. (Nothing that a shower and a little makeup can't fix).

If you haven't already deleted this strange message (I hate to be boring) feel free to call anytime. Preferably not between 4 and 5 a.m.!

Sunday, May 21, 2006

One Reason Not To Run A Red Light...

Four people were transported to local hospitals yesterday after a major traffic accident at Chandler Boulevard and Woodman Avenue in Sherman Oaks.

Firefighters from two companies worker feverishly with the jaws of life to extricate two men, the driver and front seat passenger, from the car below. Both were listed in critical condition with severe injuries to their legs and lower bodies.

Another victim, who's SUV was broadsided and lying on it's roof (see photo) suffered major trauma to his arm and was also transported to a local hospital.

Several people who witnessed the accident said that someone ran the light but were unsure about which vehicle it was because when the vehicles crashed into each other they were stunned as they watched the SUV fly through the air before landing on the sidewalk upside down.

Your Morning Funny...

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Words Of Wisdom For You Guys Out There...

This is a short story written by a grandson who had a very special
relationship with his Grandpa. Many of us unfortunately were born after our
own Grandpas had passed on and never had the opportunity to enjoy moments
like this. The grandson writes...

I hope this will again confirm that the most important information in
your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the Internet. It comes
from a mentor, and always on a very personal level.

My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up and for me it is a
time to reminisce. We used to take long walks and drives together. He would
make special trips to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him.

I was young when he died. If he were living today and sharing his pearls
of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were all well and good, but the
one I remember best came from him when I was only 12.

We were sitting in a park, watching children with their mothers enjoying
a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start
my own family. Then came the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice when
he said, "And be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"Why should I do that, Grandpa?" I asked.

"It makes your pecker look bigger."

It kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

Saturday, May 13, 2006

One Funky Job Application...

So I came across this casting call for a new home improvement show for TLC. They're looking for someone charismatic (me), someone quirky (me), someone with a whack sense of humor (me) and someone that's not too hard to look at (well...I wanna think that's me).

And as my wacky mind began to race towards the idea that I could possibly go back to my acting days BC (before children) I knew I had to send them something that would be more befitting of this type of job than a regular blah, blah, blah application.

Hopefully this will get my foot in the door...


If you are looking for someone
Who is one with the hammer
Who can punch in a nail or two

Or who can frame a wall
That's not all that tall
Then you're looking for me
Most of all

I can frame in a room
Where you can hide all your stuff
But when it comes to roofing
I say enough is enough!

I can saw and hang drywall
I can mud and can tape
I can leave the men standing
With their mouths all agape

I can cut in a ceiling
And faux finish a wall
I can make the men sweat
Without moving at all

I can do a little plumbing
With my pants hanging slack
But it's a thong you will see
Where there's usually a crack

Cleavage is a tool
I use to get my way
Cause once you're lookin down it
There are no words to say

I am a woman on a mission
I really want this show
My tools have all been primed
And I'm ready, set to go

If you're looking for beauty
Backed up by braun
A great sense of humor
When a project goes wrong

Or someone who can jest
Tease, joke and cry
Won't you pick up the phone
And give me a try

If you have not stuck your finger
Down your throat as of yet
Pick up the phone and call
And I'll come to the set

I'll bring the hammer
If you bring the nail
I'll buy the coffee...

Oh Hell!!! And they all lived happily ever after...

I figure if this doesn't at least get their attention then it's not the job for me!

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Out Of The Closet...

So I am remiss in posting photo's. Crap!!! There are several reasons for this but the most prevalent one is that holga Polaroid film can only be purchased in just a few stores one of which is in the bowels of Hollywood, which I abhor driving to! So there, suck on that! Eventually I will break down and make the drive but not in the very near future.

The good news is, my closet project has drawn to a close with the exception of paint and that will happen tomorrow. My knuckles are sore, my back is sore and those oh so unused muscles of late are really sore. Oh well, it was worth it if I can keep the clothes off the floor in :) her (: room!

I have to admit I was unable to get my helper to strip down to nothing like the guy in the news recently somewhere in Oakland, you know, the one who didn't like to get his clothes dirty. I guess I've lost my persuasive powers of late. I tried cleavage but that would have meant he would have to go fishing for his glasses to see it, I tried tight jeans but they were so covered in drywall dust they were never I gave up on the idea of him working side by side in the buff.

Enough for now, I must drink heavily to get the dust out of my throat. Till the next time...ta ta!

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Sign Of The Times...

get out of bed...
okay because we have to
but 2 a.m.
what the hell?

it's nearly six a.m.
far too late to think about returning for a few winks because the day begins at seven and goes late into the night, once again, same shit, different day

too many things on the plate
with not quite enough time to digest each one separately
too many notions
that I can get it all done
on short notice

I'm in the final phase of building closets
but still so much to do

however, it has inpired me
to look into purchasing a nail gun for my very own
because, DAMN, it makes the project go far faster than the trusty old hammer and nails
the delimma though is which one, framing or finishing? MMMMMMM?????

today is drywall and joint compound
tomorrow hopefully the electrician to move the light
after that, deciding on a color we can all live with (daughters taste versus esthetics)

my hands are sore from hitting my knuckles on the floor while cutting out the baseboard notches in the that's all folks

will be back in the event there is a mood swing to the center, not the left or right!

ta, ta

Thursday, May 04, 2006

A Bird In The Hand...

...may very well be the reason to kill it. Using gloves of course would be the most sensible thing to have on as you wring it neck.

The governments latest news conference in regards to the avian flu, or what is commonly called the bird flu, says we're pretty much fucked if it should hit us or those we love (or hate). The vaccine either won't cure you or you won't be able to get your hands on it in time to save your ass, so I'm stocking up once again on rolls of plastic and duct tape.

Yes, we will all be encapsulated in our homes, fearing that this latest outbreak will dwindle our heritage down to nothing.

What I want to know is why the fuck they have made a movie about it, why the government says we're on our own if it should hit our state and why go on I ask myself?

If there is no solution to this possible pandemic flu, why say anything at all? No one will come to save our sorry asses in the event that their prediction comes true so why leave us all with this hideous fearsome feeling resting in our guts?

What you should know about the symptoms:

1. Fever
2. Chills
3. Ache all over
4. Nausea
5. The irresistible urge to shit on a windshield

If you find yourself with all of these symtoms, don't call your doctor call a crematory and save yourself all the blah, blah, blah about how there's nothing they can do.

As for the movie coming out, I think shame on you Hollywood! As if we don't have enough to worry about!
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Location: Los Angeles, California, United States

One day I was sitting in front of my computer trying to capture an image, but instead, the computer caught my soul. I have been living inside this little box for some time now and I like it when people visit. Come on, you know you want to tell me something...

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