Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Cell Phones May Save Lives

Natural disasters strike at any time and many people have no way of knowing what's going on, how bad it is and whether or not they will feel the impact of it.

Unless you are sitting in front of a television or listening to the radio, you may be out of the loop, but technology experts are now working feverishly to bring the cell phone emergency alert system to life.

The technology has been around for nearly a decade, according to reports, but was never implemented because it would have required a large financial investment on the part of cellular manufacturers.

Since land lines are becoming more and more obsolete and natural disasters are becoming more frequent, government officials say the time has come to use some of the excessive cellular overcharges to finance the endevor to save lives.

Messages will be sent directly to cell phone users telling them what is going on and what they should do to get out of harms way. For those not familiar with how these look on screen, the following is an example of what to expect.

You will see this message if there is still time to beat a hasty escape from disasters such as fires, oncoming flood waters or predicted hurricanes. There is a distinct possibility that you will survive.

This you will see if you didn't get the first message. Usually it is too late to find your car keys or other escape vehicle so it is best if you keep a close eye on things that may have become dangerously airborn.

This means you have definitly not been paying attention because your cell phone is not on or has been set to vibrate and is in the bottom of your purse or forgotten on your dresser. You are likely to sustain injuries if not protected by hiding under something.

This means you did not get any of the above messages.

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Sunday, May 13, 2007

Happy Mothers Day!

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

If You Smell Smoke It Must Be California

Upon checking for breaking news this afternoon, it was not hard to find a story that wasn't hot.

Here is a picture taken from my driveway of the Griffith Park fire about an hour after it started.

Here is a brief summary of the days top news in and around Los Angeles.

100-Acres Burned So Far In Griffith Park Blaze

Firefighters Use Thermal Imaging To Monitor Burn

Firefighters Battle Blaze In Orange County

Residents: Supertanker Could Fight SoCal Wildfires

Firefighters Mop Up Hot Spots In Mira Loma Blaze

Wildfire Season Could Be Expensive

115-Acre Fire In Mira Loma 50 Percent Contained

Brush In Sunland-Tujunga Area Now Out

In Industry, Explosions Blow Out Manhole Covers

Brush Fire Burns 15 Acres In Castaic

Today it's just too damn hot, over 100 degrees, so there shall be no humor. The up side is that my air conditioner repair man is extremely happy because he is about to walk out the door with a gajillion dollars of my money for fixing the three units in my house that all decided to band together and stop working.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Celebrity Host Tries To Win Hilton Over With DUI

"Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" television host Ty Pennington was arrested Saturday on misdemeanor DUI charges in Los Angeles.

He confessed to deputies that he did it on purpose because he'd been hoping to be chosen by Paris Hilton to decorate her cell so it would be ready in time for her June 5th arrival after a judge this week ordered her to spent 45 days behind bars for breaking the conditions of her probation.

"She never returned my calls so I knew this would be the only opportunity to get her attention and show her that we are like-minded," Pennington said. "I really really want to show her what I can do in such a small glum space."

Pennington also said that if he could not decorate her cell, he hoped that she'd at least pick up his latest book "Ty's Tricks: Home Repair Secrets Plus Cheap and Easy Projects to Transform Any Room".

Pussy Delays Mail

Even though the postal slogan states through rain, or hail, or sleet, or snow, one distraught postal worker in Canada has refused to deliver mail to a house on her route after being threatened by a little pussy.

The owner admits that he was duped by the pet shop where the cat was purchased.

"I believe the cat had been trained to act docile and loving until such time as it was adopted or bought," he said. "All hell broke loose when we got it home. My wife and I have even had to change our nightime potty habits because he attacked me on the way to the bathroom the second night we had him."

The notorious feline, known to attack even when unprovoked, has been arrested and will serve time in a regional rehab facility called the Litter Critter Box.

This is not the cats first run in with the law, according to authorities. The eight-year-old, declawed, black cat who goes by the alias 'Shadow' will once again be cell mates with his partner in crime Fluffy, a four and a half pound mutt known for his evil temper and sneaky ways.

These two have been seen lurking in dark alleyways throughout the community during a furlough from ownership or captivity, and have been video taped terrorizing unsuspecting humans and pets over the past several years.

It is not known at this time when either will be released and to whom they will be released, but authorities have posted public warnings throughout the entire community.


Friday, May 04, 2007

VIAGRA - Just A Hop, Skip, Jump Away

A local peruvian shop keeper has found a way around the high cost of sexual stimulant medications such as Viagra.

Her secret recipe is raising more than eyebrows these days and at less than a buck for one of her milkshake-like aphrodisiac drinks, many consumers are becoming repeat customers.

She said acquiring a taste for frog juice, her secret ingredient, is not that easy but once you feel the effects from this strange brew it's an easy pill to swallow.

"Sometimes, because the drink is quite thick it can choke you a little and you're stuck with a stiff neck all day, but for most people it's fairly easy to digest," she said.

The common frog has been very overlooked throughout history because of its appearance and its slime factor, but its popularity is growing as people search for a more homeopathic way to solve medical issues.

One woman who surprised her husband with a very large trained bullfrog for his birthday, said she chose this particular gift as a last resort because her husbands sexual appetite had increased exponentially over the past several years leaving her constantly exhausted.

"What made this inexpensive gift so appealing is that the clerk promised me that the frog had been trained to give blow jobs," she said. "I was looking for a way to take some of the pressure off myself."

What happened next however, came as a big surprise to the woman who is now in the process of divorce proceedings.

"I just didn't see this coming," she said. "The frog absolutely lived up to its promise and shortly after my husband taught it to cook my ass was history."

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Canadian Government Safegaurds Elk Along Highways

In an effort to protect one of Canada's largest herd populations, transit authorities have invested millions of tax dollars to build a bridge that offer the great elk's safe passage across some of the most trecherous roads in Canada.

"We realized that so many of these helpless animals were being killed senselessly by automobiles who travel these high speed highways everyday," said one authority. "We've also seen a sharp rise in health care costs for people who are injured when they hit one of these large animals."

The seperate roadways are open 10 months of the year and closed for two during hunting season.

"We feel this is very sportsman like protecting them until we can polish up our rifles and shoot the hell out of them."
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