THE "NOT-SO" NEWS/JBLA: Anti Stupid Pill Debuts

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Anti Stupid Pill Debuts

In a major medical breakthrough this month, a German scientist has come up with a solution to rid the world of those who cannot chew gum and walk at the same time.

The Anti-Stupid pill may in fact be, according to its creator, the one thing that could turn many lives around, improve the economy and raise employment rates, especially in light of what is happening in the world today.

"It is of utmost importance that we begin to distribute this medicine immediately in order to save the world from utter destruction by political leaders in every country," said the scientist Hans-Hilger Ropers.

Ropers, a molecular gentetisist, said he was the guinea pig during the original trail of the drug, which later was tested on mice and fruit flies to increase their short term memory and to reduce their hyper-activity levels.

"I had to be the first because no matter what I tried I just couldn't figure out how to get the fruit fly to swallow the caplet," Ropers said.

Test results proved that after the drug took effect both species were able to independently formulate a reasonably cohesive plan as to their next move in seeking sustenance and safety.

An unidentified source at the White House said they have been given priority status in the distribution of this new drug.

According to Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice, both she and President Bush are expected to include the pill as part of their daily diet.

Others who have put their name on the extensive waiting list are North Korea's President Kim II Sung and Mel Gibson.

6 Comments:

Blogger Matt-Man said...

Upon taking his first pill, President Bush stated, 'Damn, Condi, that there mooleckalur genocider is doin a heckuva job."

8:10 AM  
Blogger Morgen said...

What a great idea! When I worked in "big-box" retail (i.e. Target), I wanted to design "spray valium" to fill the return desk area with. So customers upon entering would get an invisible spritz of spray valium before they approached the return desk with the broken toaster they'd had for three years and wanted to argue about the 90 day return policy.
Spray valium & Stupid pills = some big drug company could make a killing!!! (sorry for the pun, couldn't resist!!!)

9:22 AM  
Blogger JR's Thumbprints said...

The Shrub will faithfully ingest these pills because a German invented it. "To heck with its validity," he says.

9:03 PM  
Blogger Michael C said...

You saw the same story, too? I wrote about it yesterday and my coworkers had me on the phone all day trying to get my prescription filled!!

9:11 PM  
Blogger mother jones said...

I like matt-man's comment. I think these little stocking-stuffers would make the perfect Christmas gift. Shop now and avoid the rush!

8:38 AM  
Blogger Nick Badway said...

Simply put, these things are going to revolutionaize education. I mean, it's today's Morning After Pill. Party now, pump the solution down your throat tomorrow. I love this thing. Now I don't have to make sure my free-loading kids make it through learning academy. I'll just mix this pill in with their Ritalin and Apple Jacks and wait for the Grandkids to finally start popping out. Oh wait, the Morning After pill...

9:18 AM  

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