THE "NOT-SO" NEWS/JBLA: Strippers Honor Stiffs In Beijing

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Strippers Honor Stiffs In Beijing

Honoring the dead has become big business for the skin trade in Beijing.

Throughout history, families often hired strippers to attract viewers so the dead would leave the world knowing just how much they were loved based on how many people attended their funeral.

Police recently began cracking down on this practice in part because they were never utilized for crowd control, thus making them miss every show.

"Until such time as my officers are asked to attend these performances...I mean...patrol these farewell rituals under the premise of getting a piece...I mean...keeping the piece we will continue to disrupt any service of this nature," said a police spokesman.


Blogger Nick Badway said...

Wow! Strippers at my funeral? I wonder how many times I can fake my own death?

8:02 AM  
Blogger jbwritergirl said...

I think the dead give away will be the constant thudding against the top of the coffin since space is limited.

I believe at some point people will catch on and realize you are just a 'jerk-off'. LOL

8:07 AM  
Blogger Matt-Man said...

Cool...Cant wait to go to the Funerhole Home...

8:24 AM  
Blogger Dwardisimo Rex said...

Shitfire, that's a hoot, JB. What an awesome idea. I was actually thinking about having a carnival or a pancake dinner at my funeral but I like the stripper thing way better. Do you suppose I could just have my send off at a strip club?

Wait a minute, there's an entrepreneurial opportunity here. I mean, who's to say that we can't have funeral homes that provide a little 'honey pot' to grieving family friends – right here in the good ol' U.S. of A.? It's no more unusual than getting your load-on when you go to get a hair cut. Well, maybe a little weirder. Okay, it's a lot weirder but it's still a good idea. I need some investors, who's with me?

8:28 AM  
Blogger Nick Badway said...

JB, you're giving my friends more credit than they deserve. They'd never catch on. Well, except for DRex and Poppersmoke, but don't tell.

DRex, I'm totally in. How many singles do you think you'll need? I mean, I'm good for a Jackson-stack at least.

And BTW, I think I'll start going to your barber.

8:35 AM  
Blogger Morgen said...

Brilliant marketing idea!
What better way to cheer up a greiving spouse than a graveside lap dance!

8:43 AM  
Blogger Dwardisimo Rex said...

I don't know how much I'll need. 500 large? What do you thin about combining the shootin' match? A person comes to our joint to pay their last respects and gets a nice buzz, a lap dance and their ears lowered. One-stop shopping at it's finest, my friend.

8:49 AM  
Blogger jbwritergirl said...

Man, you guys are up early!

9:03 AM  
Blogger jbwritergirl said...

I have a question? I am currently being courted by The National Enquirer to come on board as a full time staff member?

What do you think? It's national, it pays fricking great and in some strange way it sounds like it would be more fun than chasing police, covering train wrecks and reporting on our fearless leader Arnold.

Let me know.


9:06 AM  
Blogger Dwardisimo Rex said...

Hell yeah, us entrepreneur types don't sleep much. Badway gets to work at six in the morning, for the love of Pete.

9:08 AM  
Blogger Dwardisimo Rex said...

Yeah, take it. Don't think of it as working for a shameless rag. Just pretend you work for The Onion.

I think that even though people claim they despise The National Enquirer, if you tell someone you work there, they'll be impressed.

BTW, I have some excellent theories on global geopolisocioalphabetizing. Just so you know.

9:13 AM  
Blogger Nick Badway said...

Hell yeah! Take that National Enquirer job. I mean, you'd get to make up all kinds of crap about people. That would be fun. Kinda like advertising, only funner because you wouldn't have to sell your soul the the devil like I did. (I wrote funner, hehe)

DRex, you think if we made this house of sin and sex work, the devil would let me have my soul back?

10:03 AM  
Blogger Morgen said...

Jacqui -- I say TAKE IT so long as 1) you still keep up your fab Not-So News site and 2) you refuse any assignment with K-Fed in the title!!!!!!!
Just keep us in the loop on your decision --- Inquiring Minds Wanna Know!!!


11:59 AM  
Blogger jbwritergirl said...

I would die rather than give up blogging here Morgan. Yes, yes...that's it...I would die.

I just picked up a few copies of the Enquirerer for the first time in my life. How interesting! Just glad they don't post the writers names along with their stories.

1:42 PM  
Blogger Derek Anderson said...

will the Enquirer pay such as this guy makes with his blog

$50,000 to $60,000 a month! OMG

here is that blog

I'm not saying don't take the Enquirer job. Not at all. But before you do I think you need to get some type of agreement with them, that your blogging is just that... "YOURS" (unless they want purchase it)

2:05 PM  
Blogger thethinker said...

Take the job! Just make sure to keep us updated.

2:21 PM  
Blogger Michael C said...

Take the job and keep the blog! I almost got that to rhyme. None of your regular readers promise to tell anyone reading the Enquirer your real indentity...will we??

4:39 PM  
Blogger Dwardisimo Rex said...

Rest assured, all. If the National Enquirer tries to take this prestigious blog away from the people, they'll be staring down the business end of a class action lawsuit.

5:23 PM  
Blogger Andrew said...

What kind of career path does that job offer? Does it open doors down the road? Or does having that on your resume shut you out of more "legitimate" work later? (Of course, the meaning of "legitimate" can vary depending on the paycheck they are offering you now :o)

Good luck with your decision Jacqui!

6:14 PM  
Blogger meloncutter said...

I would say look at where you want to be in your writing career 10 years from now. If working for the National Enquirer will get you closer to or meet that goal, then by all means jump on it. Plan your work, then work your plan. Examine all sides and then do what is going to be the best for you and yours. Even though it is considered a trash tabloid, it's been around for many a year. I don't think they will go away soon.

Tough decision, but you will make the right choice, I am sure.

And, If it doesn't pan out, I will hire you to work at my funeral. (grin)

Also.... when you get in solid with them...... Get me some guest writing shots. Cutting melons don't pay fer shit.... LOL

Good Luck.

Later Yall.....

6:45 PM  
Blogger jbwritergirl said...

Oh you kids, I love you all.

I don't know what I'm going to do for sure but it's nice to know that you all love me [for blogging].

The deal has not been sealed yet so I will give it a lot of thought.

I have never read the Enquirer until today,but I'm grateful that they don't post the name of the writer with the story.

I have my face to face with the managing editor on Tuesday so we'll see.

At best I will be making far better money, at worst I will still post but maybe not every day, but that has yet to be determined.

Thank you for your support all my new friends and for those yet to come. Oh, that was a come joke I'm sorry.

10:01 PM  
Blogger Erik Donald France said...

Dear Jacqui,

I say go for it!!!!!!! That's way cool! Nice to know they really do have a sense of humor ;)

I wonder if you have to sign a special "no tell" release? If not, think of the memoir possibilities. . . . .


10:16 PM  
Blogger JR's Thumbprints said...

Jacqui, aka JB Writer Girl:

Follow the money! Your writing style is a natural fit for the Enquirer.

As for Nick Badway, I agree with you in regards to faking my own death. Unfortunately, my wife would make sure it's closed casket.

3:39 AM  

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