THE "NOT-SO" NEWS/JBLA: YouTube Merger Strategy Bad For Young Drivers

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

YouTube Merger Strategy Bad For Young Drivers

Personal injury lawyers across the state are gearing up for a busy year after YouTube@ and Verizon@ announced they will broadcast videos to their cell phone customers.

Verizon, one of the nations largest providers of mobile technology, serves more than 50 million customers.

"We know it's not always convenient for our customers to be at their computers 24/7 so this will allow them to keep up with the lastest news, whether that be entertainers going ballistic or police officers beating up or tazering another innocent victim," said a spokesman who wished not to be identified. "We're consciously targeting the youth market because we believe they're the only ones with balls enough to drive and watch videos at the same time. We're looking at boosting our profits not their safety."

Critics of this merger believe that it will increase the amount of accidents and will surely cause an overload of gridlock on the already congested freeways as people download while driving.

The Federal Transportation Authority is trying to block the broadcasts citing that the upsurge of teenager drivers, who depend on YouTube videos as their only source of news, will increase the already staggering number of deaths reported throughout the nation by this targeted audience.

"Teenage drivers are already busy enough fiddling around with their blaring stereos, socializing with back seat passengers and paying little attention to what's going on around them, they don't need an added distraction to force them to take their eyes off the road."

Several car manufacturers have already begun reconfiguring the dash board of their popular youth oriented vehicles to include a cell phone mount placed just inches from the steering wheel so that drivers will be able to keep one eye on the road and one eye on their favorite broadcast.

Insurance companies are also counting the seconds until this merger becomes final. They say they will use the same technology that determines whether a driver of a vehicle is inebriated by installing a sensor that determines whether a cell phone is on or off while the vehicle is moving.

Banking on the fact that no teenager can get in a car without their trusty link to the world they expect that an increase in rates for those who drive while under the influence of a cell phone will push their profit margin even higher than health insurance costs.


Blogger Michael C said...

Here off the 91 freeway, the accidents will only be minor fender benders because the constant stop and go traffic doesn't allow us to go fast enough to sustain injuries most of the time. Why a trip on the 91 freeway will yield enough time to watch all of Lonesome Dove!

3:53 PM  
Blogger Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq. said...

JB, leave it to the west-coast, liberal elite, Silicon Valley types and the liberal trial lawyers to concoct a scheme to make money off of mangled humans. Next thing you know, these kids today, they'll be able to use The Google and The Internets while they're driving and might even delve into political satire. When political satire rears its ugly head, that's when we know we've got a crisis on our hands.

Nerds who invented and sold The YouTube to The Google, why do you hate America?

-Theodore Trumblebunks, I, Esq.

7:42 PM  
Blogger Matt-Man said...

Sen. Ted Stevens (R-AK) was said to be fuming because the internet tubes will be over-loaded.

9:18 AM  
Blogger that frolicsome kid said...

Oh great, just what we need. Distractions, then accidents =(.

11:28 PM  

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