CALIFORNIA: California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger made a public apology for his racial comments about fellow politicians.
In a press conference on Friday he said that he was sorry if his comments offended anyone and that if he heard his children talking like that they would most certainly be reprimanded.
The comment came from a tape, recorded during a speechwriting session with his aides, where he and his chief of staff, Susan Kennedy, debated whether one of the assemblywomen was Cuban or Puerto Rican.
"They are all very hot," he said on tape. "They have the, you know, part of the black blood in them and part of the Latino blood in them that together makes it."
This attempt to 'sex up' the Governor is what some critics are saying is a last minute attempt to lure the hot-blooded female voters to the polls.
Wife, Maria Shriver, is reportedly not speaking to, nor having sexual relations with her husband, but one source says that this is yet another ploy to create a backlog of sperm-build-up to keep the Governor a little more edgy until election day.
NEPAL: Officials say that school authorities killed a snake last week because it kept coming out of nowhere scaring the bejesus out of the teachers as they prepped their classrooms for the beginning of the school year.
More than 67 students have become ill due to the snakes death, because for many Hindus, the snake is considered sacred and offers protection from all the bad shit that can happen.
The school's principle, who oddly enough was sporting a new pair of snakeskin shoes, offered only one comment to the press.
EUROPE: Greenpeace environmentalists have added a new mission to their worthy causes in hopes of saving thousands of lives.
A recently released report proves that the use of sex toys for personal pleasure may lead to certain death.
Dildo's in particular are said to be among the worst offenders because they contain dangerous chemicals known as phthalates, the same chemical that was banned from use in children's toys. The chemical is commonly used to soften plastics.
While many agree that this can lead to health problems, sex toy marketing executives are saying this is exactly the point of using the chemical.
"We are trying to soften the blow for those, who without the use of one of our products, would otherwise lead a celibate life."
One consumer said this news, although frightening, will not deter her from using her 'Big Long John', but added that she would likely begin using condoms with her toy.
"This will only add to the experience because for once it will really feel like I'm on a date."
BRATISLAVA: A 42-year-old man from the Slovak town of Levicehas thought he had discovered the secret to making rush hour driving a more pleasurable adventure.
Because his work hours left him no alternative time to get to and from work except during the peak traffic hours, the man apparently installed a penis pump in his year old Hummer.
But, the mans plans backfired this week leaving him injured and embarrassed, after he slammed into a bus as he entered the freeway.
He told reporters that he normally never started the pump until he was well embedded in the slow moving traffic, but because of an exceptionally horrid day at work, he hooked himself up right after he left the parking structure two blocks from the freeway on ramp.
"The last thing I remember seeing was a freeway sign that said 'give way' and I guess I did," he told reporters from his hospital bed.
Police said that when they arrived they found him half naked, unconscious with the penis pump still attached to him.
"I thought it was going to be much worse," said one of the police officers who responded to the scene. "What struck me as odd was although he was covered in blood from striking his head on the windshield--he had this really big smile on his face."
"I think he should give the public fair warning and change the 'H' on his Hummer to a 'C'."