Posting Blues

Hello my friends in Cyberspace,

I will be out of commission for a little while and my posts will be very sporadic over the next few weeks. My father is currently ill and I may be going home to visit for a short time. I will try not to be away too long because I know you just can't live without me, LOL!

Till then stay well, be good and for God's sake have plenty of fun.

Jacqui

Sunday Humor

A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "have you been in the service?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Viet Nam for three years"

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The Hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start
tomorrow. Come in at 10:00A.M."

The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00
A.M.?"

"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls...no point in you coming in for that."

********************************************************************
#2

Dear Dog...

I am soooo sorry about you being sent to the dog pound for the broken lamp which you did not break; the fish tank you did not spill over; the carpet that you did not wet or the wall that you did not dirty with red paint...

...but things here at the house really are calmer now, and just to show you that there are no hard feelings between us, I am sending you a picture, so you will always remember me.



Best regards,

The Cat

Most Pointless Family Photo

Kodak moments are far and few these days and keeping in touch with family through pictures becomes a means of communication for many in the hectic world we live in.

With the internet so prevalent in our daily lives, relatives who would not otherwise see their kinfolk across the world are finding that it is more and more convenient to stay in touch at the push of a button.

Professionals suggest a studio portrait that will capture the moment you wish to share and for many, the use of a stylist will vastly improve the images traveling through cyber space.

Below is an example of a family trying to stay in touch. Yes, a stylist would have gone a long way with this family portrait!

Elmo Surpasses Bush In Polls

In a recent global poll, many say that they far prefer Tickle Me Elmo over the current President of the United States.

The tiny red doll has managed to survive among other things, tickling, for more than 10 years and has never started anything globally with the except of sudden bursts of laughter.

"I've been probed, thrown, drooled on and tickled in places far too embarrassing to talk about publicly, but through it all I've managed to maintain a certain amount of integrity," Elmo said at a press conference. "Satan on the other hand, cannot be tickled without tickling back."

Elmo was referring to recent comments made by Venezuela's President during the UN conference this week.

"There comes a time when you just have to leave some things alone and see how they work out," Elmo said. "After all, that's why Mattel@ created me in the first place, to teach children to become distracted in the face of adversity and find another way to solve their problems by tickling me rather than slamming my head against the wall."

He told reporters that President Bush is acting just like an ill-tempered child by telling Iran that if they don't do what he tells them to do, they will not be invited to the party but will suffer all kinds of consequences.

"He's acting like a stubborn child who's not getting his way, and he fails to realize that most people do not act kindly to ultimatum's, they just find a way to get even or circumvent the situation by finding new friends who are more than willing to play," Elmo said. "As far as I'm concerned he can kiss my ass."

Star Admits Porn Connection

Martial arts expert Jackie Chan recently admitted to the press that before he became a big star acting in films such as "Rush Hour", he did an XXX rated film.

He told reporters that during the early years of his acting career he'd struggled to make a living and it seemed appropriate to take what ever acting jobs he could.

Chan's publicist, Leek ToPress, who often travels with the actor during location shooting and publicity tours, said it is true but stated that he had "a very small part" in the film.

"He's very insecure because of this and I believe this is why he does all his own stunts," the publicist said.

Chan was unavailable at press time to confirm or deny that "the small part" his publicist spoke of was related to the size of his role in the film or to his anatomy.

Penis Too Young For Amputee

A 44-year-old man in China returned his newly acquired penis this week after his wife complained that she could no longer keep up with his new found sexuality.

The man apparently lost his penis in a traumatic accident, which many speculate had something to do with a lawnmower he had crafted together using spare parts. He said he'd spent several months on a transplant waiting list before receiving the penis of a 22-year-old brain dead man but found after only two weeks both he and his wife were exhausted.

"I think of nothing else...sex, sex, sex," he said. "I see bump in pants and can't work...go see wife...she try hide from me but I catch her."

His wife said she was also relieved because during the two weeks he was able to use his new rather oddly swollen organ she could not get anything done.

"All day...all day...he try kill me with new penis," said his distraught wife. "I no want so much sex I don't get housework done."

She said she began having nightmares as a result of having to sleep with a kitchen knife under her pillow.

"I wait for opportunity to take it off myself but he too quick."

MiSon Wellhung's parents were disappointed by the news that their sons penis had caused such a disturbance and were still trying to decide whether or not to have the penis returned to them so they could bury it or whether they would offer it to another amputee.

"This time we look for someone younger if we donate again."

Not In The Mood To Post Today

With so many things not working out this past week or two I just can't bring myself to be funny today. I originally posted a story about gay parents who had to explain their lifestyle to their children but after re reading it I decided it was not up to my standard...so I deleted it.

Below you will find a prior post purely for reading enjoyment. If you get a little...you know...well then just go get a little. I have an entire book of this shit ready for publishing and thought I'd again throw you a little taste.

(Excerpt from "The Resort" from the book "From The Bored Room To The Bedroom")


The plane landed and as he walked down the steps to the tarmac he could feel the heat and the breeze off the ocean. The smell of exotic flowers drifted through the air and he breathed it in, filling his lungs with this sweet aroma.

As he entered the terminal a tall, lithe, stunningly beautiful dark haired girl, most likely in her late twenties, walked straight up to him and kissed him on the lips. It happened so fast he couldn’t even react. She had come to escort him to the resort and explained to him that she would be his ‘personal assistant’ for the duration of his stay. He followed her out of the building to a slick looking fiery red convertible parked at the curb.

She knew who he was from their background check. Anyone coming into the resort was run through a computer check for security reasons and then scrutinized by a committee. Although he was not their ideal candidate they had made an exception for him because of his friend Derek’s recommendation.

Normally they tried not to cater to those in the law business for various reasons but she had been part of the decision committee this time and she liked how he looked in the photo she’d been faxed. She’d also decided to make him her personal assignment.

As they drove, she explained to him that she would be there to serve him day and night should he wish for anything. For the extra money he’d paid for the room, he’d expected some perks, but he’d never anticipated this.

He looked at her as she drove. Her skin was golden from the sun. Her long dark hair blew around her face and every so often she lifted her hand to brush it back so she could see the road. Her eyes were hidden behind the dark sunglasses she wore. Her lips were painted a pale shade of pink. Her breasts were barely concealed in the little top she wore and he could see that her nipples were hard under the thin layer of material. If he’d had a few more drinks on the plane he might very well have reached over and caressed them as they cruised along the coastline.

What he didn’t know was that she would have enjoyed it if he did. The skirt she had on, short as it was, had slid up over her thighs as she moved her foot from the gas to the brake peddle. Her legs were spread just enough that he could see she was not wearing underwear. He felt his...


Okay, this is where you have to let your imagination kick in. For the rest of the story you'll just have to wait for the book to come out.

Mirror Wanted

Can anyone out there tell me where to purchase this mirror?

Sunday Humor

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over.

The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him.

"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

Saturday News Rap

California has been accused of trying to kill health fanatics using their secret weapon--SPINACH! Bush officials say they will investigate further and will seek out this weapon of mass destruction.

Models have been banned from fashion shows across Europe for setting a bad example for young women who aspire to look just like them--skinny, boney, and for the most part guantly unattractive. Nicole Richie is expected to protest this ban.

Anna Nicole's son has died as a result of his lifestyle, which will eventually boil down to the crystal meth having its way with his brain. Anna denies that HER lifestyle has anything to do with her sons death.

Whitney and Bobby have finally decided they've had enough of each others drug and spousal abuse. The divorce is scheduled to take place immediately upon their release from rehab.

Popeye Turns Over In Grave

All across the nation health fanatics have been lining up at hospitals and health care clinics hoping for test results to show that they have not been infected with the e-coli bacteria.

Millions of bags of packaged spinach, which have currently been traced to a California natural foods company in San Juan Bautista, have been tainted with the deadly bacteria.

E-coli infection becomes apparent soon after ingestion and it's symptoms include an insurmountable amount of foul smelling gas followed immediately by crapping your brains out and often is followed by what medical officials refer to as 'sudden death'.

Officials are saying that the public should not panic but should use caution when picking their vegetables during their grocery store visits.

"With the billions of cases of obesity in every state we're certain the outbreak will be contained to only those people who lead a healthy lifestyle with a healthy diet," one official said. "That really narrows down the number of people we're expecting to get sick."

Government officials hoping for the best but preparing for the worst offered this advice to the public.

"If you have ingested any of this bad spinach and you're not already dead, you should prepare immediately by bending over and kissing your ass goodbye."

Columbian Gangsters Stunned By Sex Strike

Women across Columbia are waging their own kind of war on criminal activity.

Seventy-five percent of the reported murders in the country were the result of street crime and common criminals, while the remaining 25% were attributed to guerrilla activity and narcoterrorists. Last year alone there were 480 murders.

During a town hall meeting with officials early this week, the wives, girlfriends and other 'associative' women of some of the most notorious gang leaders agreed to utilize what has been aptly named the 'crossed leg' sex strike.

Rather than blowing their male partners they are using a more 'femme fatale' tactic by blowing them off instead.

"Withholding sex has been used to control men throughout history and we're hoping that because none of the women, including prostitutes who are often used as substitutes during these denial periods, will be putting out, we feel that in a short period of time many of these hardened criminals will lay down their arms in order to lay down 'IN' their arms," said a spokesman for the Mayor.

One woman, whose husband uses sex on a regular basis to relieve the stress related to his high crime lifestyle, said she expects to see an immediate change in the countries criminal climate.

"I believe that when these criminals realize that shooting off a rifle or shooting off at the mouth is as close as they'll get to shooting anything else off, they'll soon start turning in their weapons."

Sexual Contact May Earn Pay Hike

In Spain today, officials unveiled their new 'how to get promoted' video to police officers wishing to rise through the ranks to sergeant status.

The sexually explicit video has become part of an extensive effort to get officers to understand exactly how working the rank and file will in fact move their application closer to the top of the pile.

Commanding officers told the more than 120 male and female officers attending the hard-core video screening, that knowing who to sleep with is as much a part of the process as how good you are as a sexual partner in bed.

"We leave it up to the officers whether or not to use their gear, including billy sticks, handcuffs or demeaning glares to dominate in order to achieve their goal," the CO said. "But we also warn them that there are a lot of upper level authorities that, although available and happy to provide themselves as partners, have actually nothing to do with the promotion process."

Dog Leads Police On Foot Chase

More than a half dozen dogs and their owners were arrested yesterday after attending a trendy party at a glitzy club in Hollywood.

Officials say the over indulgent animal owners were charged with a variety of offenses ranging from breathing while stupid and a gross lack of common sense.

"The animal owners were all charged with being morons for dressing their pets up and they were released shortly after booking," said a spokesman for the LAPD.

One miniature Doberman Pincher, dressed in what witnesses say was a fabulous DKNY v-kneck sweater, dark sunglasses and a custom made hat, was taken into custody while running rampant in the streets.

"He looked like a fricking retard," said the arresting officer. "He is currently being held at a center for pet wellness and will be released after being trained to bite anyone who tries to dress him up again."

Several witnesses who looked on in horror as police chased the animal down, defended the dogs action.

"You could tell by the desperate look on his face that all he wanted to do was lick his balls for a minute but the sweater was too restricting."

A Day For Idle Thought

I know that anyone reading my blog expects something twisted and funny here, but today I just couldn't bring myself to write anything that would diminish the significance of remembering everyone who's life was touched on this day five years ago.

I spent most of the morning recovering from the documentary that aired last night about the firemen who were on scene at the Twin Towers.

It was very powerful and drew on emotions I didn't think I even had!

So, instead of searching for the humor story as I usually do, I spent several hours looking through all my family photo albums. I've been married for 27 years so you can imagine how many of them there are. I wanted to reflect on how incredibly lucky I have been in my life and I wanted to take this day to count my blessings.

I wish all of you the best of health, happiness and mostly joy in knowing the simple things are the best things.

I will be back tomorrow as usual! Till then, adieu!!!!

Sunday Humor

Ed was a bit of an airhead and found himself in a great deal of trouble one morning. He'd forgotten his wedding anniversary, which pissed his wife off to no end.

The wife confronted him and told him that the following morning she expected to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 - 60 in less than 6 seconds or ELSE.

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting smack dab in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house and opened it only to find a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

SATURDAY WRAP-UP OF ODD NEWS

CALIFORNIA: California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger made a public apology for his racial comments about fellow politicians.

In a press conference on Friday he said that he was sorry if his comments offended anyone and that if he heard his children talking like that they would most certainly be reprimanded.

The comment came from a tape, recorded during a speechwriting session with his aides, where he and his chief of staff, Susan Kennedy, debated whether one of the assemblywomen was Cuban or Puerto Rican.

"They are all very hot," he said on tape. "They have the, you know, part of the black blood in them and part of the Latino blood in them that together makes it."

This attempt to 'sex up' the Governor is what some critics are saying is a last minute attempt to lure the hot-blooded female voters to the polls.

Wife, Maria Shriver, is reportedly not speaking to, nor having sexual relations with her husband, but one source says that this is yet another ploy to create a backlog of sperm-build-up to keep the Governor a little more edgy until election day.



NEPAL: Officials say that school authorities killed a snake last week because it kept coming out of nowhere scaring the bejesus out of the teachers as they prepped their classrooms for the beginning of the school year.

More than 67 students have become ill due to the snakes death, because for many Hindus, the snake is considered sacred and offers protection from all the bad shit that can happen.

The school's principle, who oddly enough was sporting a new pair of snakeskin shoes, offered only one comment to the press.

"Oops."



EUROPE: Greenpeace environmentalists have added a new mission to their worthy causes in hopes of saving thousands of lives.

A recently released report proves that the use of sex toys for personal pleasure may lead to certain death.

Dildo's in particular are said to be among the worst offenders because they contain dangerous chemicals known as phthalates, the same chemical that was banned from use in children's toys. The chemical is commonly used to soften plastics.

While many agree that this can lead to health problems, sex toy marketing executives are saying this is exactly the point of using the chemical.

"We are trying to soften the blow for those, who without the use of one of our products, would otherwise lead a celibate life."

One consumer said this news, although frightening, will not deter her from using her 'Big Long John', but added that she would likely begin using condoms with her toy.

"This will only add to the experience because for once it will really feel like I'm on a date."


BRATISLAVA: A 42-year-old man from the Slovak town of Levicehas thought he had discovered the secret to making rush hour driving a more pleasurable adventure.

Because his work hours left him no alternative time to get to and from work except during the peak traffic hours, the man apparently installed a penis pump in his year old Hummer.

But, the mans plans backfired this week leaving him injured and embarrassed, after he slammed into a bus as he entered the freeway.

He told reporters that he normally never started the pump until he was well embedded in the slow moving traffic, but because of an exceptionally horrid day at work, he hooked himself up right after he left the parking structure two blocks from the freeway on ramp.

"The last thing I remember seeing was a freeway sign that said 'give way' and I guess I did," he told reporters from his hospital bed.

Police said that when they arrived they found him half naked, unconscious with the penis pump still attached to him.

"I thought it was going to be much worse," said one of the police officers who responded to the scene. "What struck me as odd was although he was covered in blood from striking his head on the windshield--he had this really big smile on his face."

"I think he should give the public fair warning and change the 'H' on his Hummer to a 'C'."

Sex Changing Fish Offers Hope For Humans

Scientists are wondering why so many male fish in the Potomac River are gender changing at a rather alarming rate.

These 'intersex fish' pulled from the cold murky waters have begun to shown signs of small mammary glands forming on the upper portion of their underside, which leads researchers to one conclusion--that maternal instincts are not solely reserved for the female species.

The study further confirmed that the once 'small mouthed' male fish has somehow managed to create eggs in their ball sack and during spawning season are able to somehow squeeze out little tiny baby fish through their little tiny penises.

Witnesses who've discovered firsthand this phenomenon of birthing by male fish who, some swear are suddenly looking more like the 'large mouthed' females, say that what is normally a quiet experience for the female fish, has become a rather excruciatingly loud event as the male tries to push the babies out.

"We're seeing more and more fish lying dead at the shoreline," said one witness. "I guess some of them just can't take it and would rather die than try to keep pushing to get the babies out."

Since news of this gender shifting hit the press local fisherman have noticed more and more groups gathering near as well as swimming in the frigid waters.

One group, consisting of four young men and two teenage girls, admitted that they're hoping that by swimming in the river they will eventually fulfill their desire to change gender just as the fish have done.

"If this works I won't have to undergo any kind of surgery," said one very pretty young man. "Yes I admit it -- I was born with a wiener but what I really want is to be the bun."

Research is expected to continue over the next several years and scientists are hoping to evaluate the affects of the water on the human subjects as well.

Paris Hilton Arrested For DWB

Los Angeles police arrested Hotel Heiress Paris Hilton yesterday for driving while blonde.

Police reports state that the rather gaunt looking Hilton was driving erratically in a much too expensive car.

Hilton denied the accusation stating that it is hard to look at yourself in the mirror, talk on the cell phone while scanning through e-mails on a portable computer while sipping an energy drink while navigating the streets of Los Angeles.

Ms Hilton will face a judge early next week and is expected to plead not guilty to all charges levied against her, including the misuse of peroxide.

Airline Travel Gets An Edge In Europe

In Denmark today, airline officials announced they have launched what is being hailed as the first terrorist free flights.

In a bold move by the Transportation Security Authority, all passengers are required to remove every piece of clothing before passing through the final checkpoint, which they have now installed directly in front of each boarding gate. Travelers are then issued their own personal blanket and pillow until they are reunited with their clothes once they reach their final destination.

"This leaves no doubt in our mind and the mind of other passengers that nothing can be carried on board without being easily detected," said a spokesman for the TSA. "We believe anyone who ever thought about taking part in any kind of terrorist activities while flying under these circumstances will be so distracted by the anatomy of other passengers they will be completely rendered helpless in their seats."

One passenger, who witnesses say was possibly actress Pamela Sue Anderson, spent most of her time giggling as she passed through the final checkpoint wearing nothing but her birthday suit.

During takeoff a male steward overheard her conversation with another passenger and alerted other flight attendants that there may be a problem.

After being informed by flight staff member that she openly admitted that "her breasts were the bomb" the Captain apparently left the cockpit to do a thorough inspection of the passenger in question.

"In today's climate we must take all the precautions we feel necessary," the Captain said.

After a lengthy inspection the passenger was deemed harmless by the Captain and was reseated among the other passengers.

After spending fifteen minutes in the first class bathroom the Captain also returned to the cockpit and the rest of the flight went without further incident.

Obesity Linked to 'Fast Food' Not 'Food Fast'

For those who enjoy a hamburger with a vat of fries on a regular basis--the news is not good.

Scientists have recently disproved that eating 'food fast' does not burn calories like many speed eaters believe.

"It is a farce to believe that shoving food into your mouth at a high speed burns calories," said one scientist who participated in the study. "While it's true that my arms muscles increased considerably after hoisting food into my mouth, my ass and gut grew exponentially."

Their main concern is portion size.

While most fast food restaurants have added healthier choices to their menu to draw in more customers, they've also been continuously increasing the size of their other meals in an underhanded way to dupe the public.

"Our concern is that these increased sizes are being served on either larger plates or in larger boxes allowing consumers to believe that the proportion is still in line with the suggested serving size most nutritionists recommend," the scientist said. "They are not taking into consideration that, although the portion size looks appropriate on the plate, many of these fast food eatery's are adding double or triple patties, more special high caloric sauce, and often a secondary piece of bread buried deep within the meat."

At this rate researchers believe that by 2009 regular fast food consumers will have added an extra 20 to 30 pounds of pure body fat.

"The future does not look pretty at this rate," he said. "Consumers must decide the difference between looking PHAT, a word used to describe something that is awesome, versus looking just plain old FAT."

School Begins--Mom's Doing The Dance

Millions of people across the United States headed off to a variety of holiday destinations to celebrate the end of summer this labor day weekend.

Campers, RV's and trailers loaded up with motorcycles, ATV's, boats and bicycles, crowded highways across the nation in the normal gridlock pattern, all in hopes of catching a little down time by relaxing and enjoying friends, family and an exorbitant amount of alcohol and grilled food.

It is historically a time when men can finally stop sucking in their bellies as they crowd around the hibatchi, a beer grasped tightly within each fist, as they begin the bragging soliloquy among fellow campers as to whose RV or camper is superior to the rest and whose boat is faster. It also affords their spouses the golden opportunity to shoo off the children for the first time in months in hopes that the youngsters will finally find a way to entertain themselves for the first time all summer.

But, for many who take this weekend and the reasonably deserted streets to finish off projects, close up pools and gardens, and a variety of other chores, this holiday marks the beginning of the fiscal year and the blessed return to school for millions of children.

At one local office supply store, managers cranked up the music in anticipation of mom's dragging their children up and down the aisles picking up last minute school supplies.

"It's an odd phenomenon watching how vastly different people's attitudes are during these last few days before school, especially for the mothers of school aged children," said the manager of a local Office Depot store. "They seem to float up and down the aisles with a look of glee in their eye, their bodies gyrating to the beat, and they don't seem to balk at spending more money than budgeted for school supplies."

This unique experience has been hailed as 'The Mom Dance' for centuries, and is as pleasing as cheese on apple pie for most.

One mother, who spent most of Monday giggling out loud for no apparent reason and who witnesses say spent a significant amount of time swirling her arms out in front of herself in what appeared to be step one of three from The Mom Dance, said the significance of this once a year spending spree was a way to set her spirit free as she anticipated more time to herself.

"Tomorrow marks the day that I can clean my house starting at eight thirty in the morning rather than waiting until everyone has dragged their ass out of bed, usually around 2 o'clock in the afternoon," she said.

Stores across the country are offering extended shopping hours today in order to accommodate those who postponed their shopping time in order to get out of town.


AUTHORS NOTE: In unrelated news, it is with great sadness that this weekend marks the passing of noted crocodile handler, Steve Irwin. He died yesterday from a puncture wound to his heart by a stingray while filming an underwater adventure at the Great Barrier Reef. Irwin, 44, leaves behind a wife and child. As a fan of Mr. Irwin, having watched several of his specials with my son, we will deeply miss his crazy antics.

Sunday's Humor

Did You Know...

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you passed gas consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(Wow! Of course that's after you've removed the knife.)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the...?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine???)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life... quality over quantity!)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm..)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing..)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(This pig is too dumb to know a 30-minute orgasm is a good thing)


Enjoy your Sunday my friends and remember to pick a designated driver,
Jacqui

Cruise Apology Stretches The Imagination

Tom Cruise has apparently had a change of heart in regards to his disdain for antidepressants, but critics feel this is just a ploy to regain his stature among Hollywood's elite.

Much of the hullabaloo came about after Cruise publicly criticized the 41-year-old actress Brook Shields for taking antidepressants after the birth of her first child, suggesting that through exercise and multiple doses of vitamins women could battle this mind warping syndrome known as post-partum depression.

On Thursday however, Shield's announced that Cruise came to her home to apologize.

While this took a concerted effort on Cruises part because of his religious beliefs, many feel 'this heartfelt apology' as Brook's described it is nothing more than an attempt to salvage what is left of his reputation and gain confidence from financial backers now that Paramount Studios has dumped him.

Although the recent split between Cruise and the studio was described by industry icons as a 'mutual agreement', one source said they all were feeling that Cruise has turned into a bit of an asshole.

"He's like a loose canon and his publicity stunts are all backfiring," the source said. "What he's going to do next is what we're trying to avoid."

One insider has suggested that Tom was using this publicized apology to hide the fact that his wife, who has had little or no face time in public since the alleged birth of their baby girl Suri, may possibly be suffering from the same blues Shields suffered from.

"Every day I see more and more gym equipment being delivered," the insider said. "They can't be having sex because I see her on the treadmill 24/7."

Sexual Dysfunctional Syndrome Expected To Fill Court Dockets

In China a young woman filed suit against the state to compensate her for mental anguish and money she has spent on vibrators and other sexual aides because her husband can no longer satisfy her sexually.

The suit states that after running into the corner of a piece of audio gear while at work, her husband is no longer capable of an erection.

Wei Suying, 31, said this has caused irreparable damage to their marriage and is causing her to lose sleep and will eventually atrophy her genitals.

"He not please me anymore, that why suing," said Wei Suying.

Although the Chinese court disallowed the lawsuit it has sparked international attention, especially here in the United States where frivolous lawsuits are abundant. It is what officials are describing as 'The "Suying" Syndrome'.

Well known attorney Gloria Aldread, said her phone has been ringing off the hook from potential clients hoping to follow the lead of Suying.

"I've had at least 1,000 calls already from people hoping to cash in on their bad relationships," Aldread said.

Many of those posing potential lawsuits said they were tired of their lazy-assed, sexually boring, messy, downright ugly partners.

One unidentified woman said she was tired of seeing her husband sitting on the couch in their filthy apartment every day when she came home from her twelve hour shift at work.

"He's one lazy asshole and if I could sue the state for my ineptness of partner picking, the money would go a long way in appeasing my animosity towards him," she said.

Surprisingly however, many of those calling for legal advise were men, who after marrying their beautiful, intelligent female counterparts, found themselves disappointed within 6-months of their nuptials.

"She was so incredible during our courtship, but now...well, let's just say she got her man and now she's let herself go" said one man who wanted to sue the state for therapy costs to determine whether or not she was the cause for his now withered penile problem. "If someone has to pay for my stupidity, it might as well be the state."

Court officials said they are clearing their dockets, finishing up all their time consuming high publicity celebrity divorces, in order to prepare for the potential onslaught of lawsuits.

"Unfortunately, this is the American way," said one judge who wished not to be identified.