Gone Fishing!

This is not an automatic message.

My top 10 escape reasons:

1. Life
2. Technology
3. My Pissing Dog
4. My anti-social Beta fish
5. Taking down my Christmas Tree
6. Cleaning house
7. Thinking
8. Cleaning up after the huge wind storm we had
9. So I can procrastinate
10. To think about what I will change in my life in the New Year.

My new motto for the next 365 days is:

"Look at things differently, and you will see them differently"

Hope you all have a wonderful, safe, prosperous, unconfusing and spectacular new year ahead of you!

Your chore is to leave the top 5 things you will change, undo, redo, update, get rid of, add to your life this year.

Best to all my friends out there,
Jacqui

An Ode To The Past

Sometimes you have to remember the past to see where you've come from just in case you've lost your bookmark. [ Photo circa 1958.]



CHRISTMAS WITHOUT YOU...

Each time I look at the lights on my tree
And photos of days gone by
I would be remiss if I didn't say
Sometimes...yes...it makes me cry

In a tiny town, a dot on the map
We took our first footsteps
We took our first naps

We sat starry eyed
As the holidays began
We jumped and we yelled
We frolicked and ran

After waiting all night for that old boy Saint Nick
To shimmy down the chimney so fat and so thick
To empty his bag, leaving hearts on high
Oh, you want to bet
There was magic in our eyes.

I see little girls curled up
All snuggly and warm
Clutching little black patent purses
Filled stockings and more!

If I close my eyes I can picture
Girls sniggling in a pack
Telling stories of their adventures
With mom serving homemade snacks.

May you always look back
From where you have come
From the loins of the woman
We love to call Mum

We grew a few larger
Somewhere along the way
There were more at the table
With much more to say

It was destined to be
As love filled her heart
She would be a new woman
And get a fresh start

Her strength is apparent
In each she has raised
With the help of her lover
Our dad of many days

Each year that passes
Time quickly slides
A wrinkle, a stretch mark
A butt grown too wide

Our clothes feel much smaller
Our children have grown fine
When did all this happen you wonder?

Well...
In the blink of an eye!

But it's moments like this
We can all reflect on
Where we've gone
Who we've become
Where we're going
And what's to come.

We've grown in so many ways
But those hearts remain a child's
The anticipation of friends
Or calls from across the miles

And though my door opens often
And friends begin to call
It's those I was weaned away from
I miss the most of all.

My gift for you this Christmas
Is filled with all my love
To wish you all your dreams come true
And to always rise above

May your stocking be crammed full
With all that lies ahead
May your dreams leave you filled
As you snuggle into bed

To your health and your home
To the blessings you've known
To the knowledge you're shared
To know that you have cared

It's the path to this place
Our souls can find peace
The journey, the detours
The joys that never cease

Though life's not always easy
Sometimes too hard to grasp
There's always this to hold on to
Never let go of the past

My love for you runs deep
Of this you should always know
So take a moment for me this holiday
To make an angel in the snow.

...And to my father and friend
For whom my love is abundant
You are forever etched in my heart
To say more would be redundant


Merry Christmas!

Ode To Christmas Eve

'Twas the morning fore Christmas, and it' quiet as hell
The children are still sleeping as if in a spell

The tree is a glitter where the dog has just peed
I guess he still wonders why the living room has a tree

The boy who used to dream of toys he could test
Has turned his Christmas list to technology at its best

And the girl who loved Barbie and skirts that would spin
Now wants an Escalade, good Lord...Ain't that a sin

These items are pricey no doubt this is true
If I had my way the shopping would be through

But I'll be off once again to the mall like the rest
Because there's more to be bought, oh be still my heart...it's shopping I detest

Will they like this or like that, I'm never quite sure
A pair of slippers or shoes, a sweater trimmed with some fur

The list seems so endless, my mind is agog
Maybe I'll switch from coffee this morning to tequila spiked nog

They say there's a Christmas spirit that hovers around tightly
I think I should know this since I imbibe in it nightly

Oh where is my wallet, where are my keys
The lure of the sales fills my heart with unease

Will I spent way too much as I do every year
Will I beg for forgiveness when the bills come...I fear

I'm bowing to the pressure of not having enough
To appease all the needs of the kids who want stuff

I guess I should go join the others in line
To see where the bargains are during this Christmas time

For those, who like me, have been given this chore
I wish you happy shopping, Merry Christmas, and more!



MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIENDS,
JACQUI

Strike A Match This Season

Help brighten the season around the world by Lighting A Candle For Life

Reading, Writing...And Sexual Harassment?

More than two dozen kindergarten children were suspended for sexual offences during the last school year in Maryland, according to reports.

"At the tender age of five, many of these offenders spend countless hours thinking of who, when and where they will hit on their next mark," said one school official who asked only to be identified as A. Nal.

Officials say this butt-pinching type of sexual harassment at such an early age may very well lead to a life of serious consequences, especially boys whose athletic abilities may lead them to a professional sports career where public touching is not uncommon.

"We want to nip this kind of dysfunction in the butt before it leads to more serious actions like patting a fellow student on the back or giving someone an unwelcome hug."

Health Crisis Affecting Air Travel

A Spanish speaking women was recently detained at Los Angeles International Airport this week after sending her one-month-old grandson through the X-Ray machine at a security checkpoint.

Airport officials say this is not uncommon due to the rising health costs and lack of free clinics in the City Of Angels.

"After questioning the woman, we determined that she was fed up with her grandsons crying and she took matters into her own hands after being turned away from several medical facilities due to her having no health insurance."

Doctors at a local hospital where the baby was transfered said the boy was suffering from colic and offered to treat the child for free.

Officials from the California Health department were unavailable for comment.

Sexual Overdrive Ends Marriage

A 29-year-old London man was awarded $5.89 million dollars for having extramarital affairs.

The man claims that after falling from where he was perched while working for a bike shop, he hit his head and his penis suddenly hardened forcing him to lose control of his faculties. He claims that he can no longer be satisfied with a monogamous relationship and has had to turn to pornography and prostitutes to find satisfaction.

The judge who ordered the settlement said that his injury was in fact the reason his four year marriage fell apart and he should be compensated for his undue suffering.

"This man will have a hard life ahead of him," the judge said. "Based on the amount of sex he will need to try to heal his injury the court feels that he will need a substantial financial cache."

News of this unprecedented settlement has spread rapidly around the world and men have been seen senselessly falling down everywhere.

Hospital officials say they have seen an increase in severe head injuries but report that few are wreaking the benefits of an increase in sexual desire.

"We can only say that, for many men whose brains are located between their legs, the better and safer bet would be to run into the edge of a table."

Lethal Injection Too Much For Criminals

Both California and Florida Justice departments recently suspended the use of lethal injections to end the lives of convicted felons on death row.

Officials in both states met earlier this week hoping to work out a new system that would cause less suffering by those inmates facing the death penalty.

This falls on the heels of the recently botched execution of Angel Diaz who was executed in Florida last Wednesday for the 1979 murder of a Miami strip club manager. The inmate apparently suffered needless pain in part due to the high tolerance level to lethal drugs that he acquired during his time in prison. Officials were forced to administer a second dose to finish him off.

A spokesman for the consortium, which included Supreme Court Justices, leaders from the American Lawyers Association and an environmental group, said they have come up with a solution that will inevitably solve the problem.

"Inmates will be put to death by Lethal Ingestion," he said. "Every convict on death row will be fed meals from Taco Bell, The Olive Garden and will be forced to consume three portions a day of California grown lettuce and green onions in amounts large enough to eventually kill them."

The new bill is expected to pass hands down when congress reconvenes in January.

Wood May Be The Gift Of All Time

If you're a woman looking for a gift that stands out this year try giving that special man wood this Christmas.

Scientists have found a way to give that special man in your life a little boost in the booty department by changing the structure of DNA so that erectile function is achievable and long lasting.

In a small pilot study, airline captains, co-pilots and even a few navigators were used as test subjects. Many of the participants were able to record the exact effects of the genetic alteration while filling countless hours in the air on auto-pilot.

Passengers on selected flights also participated by noting the demeanor of the pilots as they milled about the cabin welcoming them on board. Some findings lead researchers to the realization that they would need to play with the dosage as walking around among total strangers with a boner could lead to serious legal action.

Whether the effect is in reality a real change in the genetic makeup or just a trick of the brain, researchers say that one shot can last up to 24 weeks and leave your man feeling like a stud muffin.

The injection, which they say is the only part that causes any pain, can be injected while a patient is awake or asleep.

"We know that men are less likely to use this approach themselves because anything that comes near a mans penis usually needs to be soft and warm and a hypodermic needle anywhere in the vicinity of a mans sexual organ can be intensely frightening," one researcher said. "Our consumer target is the female partner of men suffering from a slowpoke penis because they have ample opportunities to strike when the iron is not hot so to speak."

Airline officials say that if this pilot program continues to work out, they will offer it as a hiring incentive.

"We want our pilots to be happy because when they're happy there are less turbulents in the air and on the ground."

Sundays Chuckle

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it, so he decided to ask his shrink what to do.

"Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him," the shrink said, "If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.

"I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop.

Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree.

Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.

When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"

Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the son of a bitch"

Game System Is Shocking For Consumers

In light of the success of new high-tech game systems that have captured the attention of both young and old consumers, the U.S. Department of Justice is ready to jump into the highly competitive multimillion dollar industry with a video game system and game they feel will capture America's heart.

KMA 10/4, which stands for 'Kick My Ass OK', was designed to alleviate the fear that has been generated recently after tapes of police beatings and tazer incidents were released to the public.

"We want residents throughout the country to know how to avoid situations that will lead to peril in confrontations with real life police officers ," said a spokesman for the design team. "The beauty of the game though is that if a player cannot pull themselves out of one of these bad situations they will have a chance to at least play fair by having their own weapon to defend themselves and learn new ways of beating their opponent."

The game appropriately called "Beat The Heat", which designers say is loosely based around captured video from police patrol cars, security cameras and a variety of other captured confrontational footage, allows players the opportunity to reek their own revenge on over zealous police officers who lose all control over their sensibilities and act like every day criminals.

Much like Nintendo's@ hot new WII system, which allows players to feel entirely empowered to be part of the action with the hand held controllers that puts gamers dead center into the action, 'Beat The Heat' will be released with a wireless controller that looks like and has the same exact feel of state issued tazer guns.

"The design is such that if a player fails to negotiate a direct hit on the opponent and instead becomes the recipient of a well placed shot, the system sends a message to the retaliation sensor and it shoots an electrical charge at whoever is holding the controller," the designer said. "We've taken into consideration the time it takes to recover from a tazer strike and have programmed the system to pause itself until the players is upright again."

Manufacturers warn that this system is not for everyone.

"This is the real shit and we caution anyone with heart related medical conditions not to participate in any gaming with this system, especially those who wear pacemakers--that could get pretty ugly."

A spokesman for the Justice department said the game serves two purposes, one of which aids those whose real criminal activity has pitted them against police officers again and again to gain a better knowledge of how to react, avoid or take control of a real life confrontation with law enforcement. He said the second reason they developed this particular game is due to the fact that the number of people choosing to go into law enforcement has dwindled over the years and they feel this is likely to become a crucial recruiting tool for police academies across the nation.

"There comes a time when every one of us wants a chance to beat the crap out of someone or something sometime in our life, whether it's in fun or in the line of duty, and this is the perfect solution because the only one it really hurts is the players themselves."

The system is set to be released throughout selected U.S. states in limited quantities later this week in order to capture the highest consumer market and will be released globally in early 2007.

Guns For The Blind

What do blind folks and politicians have in common? A case of the blind leading the blind is what many officials are saying.

Lawmakers in Texas are hoping to pass a bill allowing non-sighted people to go off into the woods with guns to hunt like sighted people.

One big supporter of the proposed legislation is Vice President Dick Chaney who says this will allow him to have a distinct advantage on the playing field.

While many folks are split on this bill, half of which who can see the point and the other half who can't, officials in Texas say that it is already becoming a boon for their employment industry.

"We've hired nearly 1,400 new employees whose specific skills include speech and cognitive therapy," said a spokesman of the Better Business bureau. "They've been deployed out in the field and are currently coaching all the various animals to give these blind hunters subtle clues to their location including calling out 'Over Here' and 'Marco'."

Hints To Ward Off Holiday Stress

Therapists and other mental health workers are preparing for the onslaught of new clients as the holiday season draws closer to being over.

"We get a lot of calls this time of the year from people feeling guilty about spending too much, not spending enough as well as those who wonder why they are spending anything at all," said one Los Angeles analyst whose client list always doubles during the month of December.

Trying to stave off the flood of phone calls from those who become overwhelmed by the holiday season madness, LA County Mental Health officials released new guidelines for releasing stress.

The new brochure, "A Healthy Level Of Insanity", is available at various government offices around the county and includes tips for home, office or where ever you might be when a crisis occurs.

The following are some helpful things to do when you feel the bile of anxiety rise in your throat:

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom without disguising your voice.

3. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In."

4. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat.

5. Specify that your drive-through order is "To Go."

6. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

7. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, 'Rock Bottom'.

8. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!, I Won!"

9. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we're going to have to let one of you go."

10. Acquire a taste for Prozac.

Officials do offer a warning however that if none of these above mentioned tactics work, you should immediately seek the help of a professional.

Ass Cheeks Gives New Lease On Life

Being the butt of the joke is nothing new for art teacher Stephen Murmer who was recently suspended from his job after school officials deemed he was setting a bad example for his students.

Murmer's unique painting style however, is garnering him world wide recognition in the art circles and making his pearly white ass quite famous. His technique involves slathering paint on his butt-cheeks and genitals then pressing those areas onto a canvas to create a one-of-a-kind painting.

He came up with this unique style after being asked to use something organic to create a stamp for a class project.

Whereas others in his class used items such as potatoes or other such unimaginative organic materials, Murmer basically used his head in vying for top spot in the creative process.

School officials are devastated by the publicity this has drawn to their campus, but many feel that by suspending Murmer, they brought it on themselves.

A spokeswoman for the school told the press that, 'personnel regulations state that teachers are expected to set an example through their personal conduct' as well as acting as role models for students.

Apparently being an entrepreneur is not something the school district encourages nor do they endorse any kind of 'wise-crackers'.

Murmer's paintings, which sell upwards of $900, are expected to sell like hot cakes.

Quiz Tuesday

Past Life Quiz In Your Past Life You Were A Bullet Proof Vest Tester Find out your past life at Quizopolis.com

I guess that makes me rather invincible and certainly explains how I've survived raising children.

Find out who you were in a past life and let me know!

Sunday's Chuckle

SATURDAYS A BUST

I'm posting this joke because my computer has been off and on all day and several things I was working on are lost now, floating through cyber space somewhere. Enjoy. Hopefully I will be back to normal on Monday.

*********************************************


I was shopping the other day and noticed a little old lady following me around.

I stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at me.

She finally overtook me at the checkout, and she turned to me and said,

"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late daughter."

I answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, I called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at me. Pleased that I had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, I went to pay for my groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much .. I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things too."

Pig Throwing Leads To Jail Time

In Mississippi today a 20-year-old man was arrested for disturbing the peace after tossing his 60-pound pig over the counter at a Holiday Inn Express.

After being questioned by authorities, Pugh said his wife had been nagging him all morning and he just lost his mind for a minute.

The slight built wife was not injured when she hit the floor but complained of mental fatigue. She said she was more than embarrassed since this was the second time in a month that he threw her over the counter.

Officials have referred Pugh to the mental health department where he will be counseled until his court date later this month.

The wife is expected to file divorce papers.

Gas Leak Forces Airline Down

Passengers on an American Airlines flight to Texas were questioned and released shortly after their plane, bound for Texas, made an emergency landing in Nashville this morning.

The pilot re-routed the aircraft after reports of a strong sulfur odor filled the cabin.

One woman was detained for questioning after an airport security dog began to sniff around her butt. The dog's handler said these dogs are specifically trained to pick up the scent of any type of gas leak, after which they alert their owners.

"My dog is trained to check luggage for any suspicious odors and I guess this must have been one of those silent deadly types because he's not always this sensitive to this type of gas," he said. "But, a gas leak is a gas leak no matter where it derives from."

Airline maintenance crews confirmed that the woman had lit the matched while the plane was in flight after they found several used matches in the seatback pocket where she had been sitting.

"I farted for Christ's sake so I lit a match," she said. "If you'd seen the look on the guys face next to me, you would have done the same bloody thing."

The woman was not charged but was assigned a different flight to Texas.

Sperm Donor's Flock To 'Come On' By Bank

With unemployment rates at record highs, many people struggle to find ways to earn a few extra bucks during the holiday season.

Inflation rates, which have steadily continued to increase over the years, tends to put a lot of pressure on consumers, especially parents who strive to make Christmas morning a joyous occasion for their tiny little tots.

One company, whose CEO said their marketing campaign this season has significantly increased their potential for growth, is offering a simple way to earn a little income while spread the joy of giving.

"Donating sperm is the perfect way to brighten the season, not only for the donor whose immense pleasure in giving this way will satisfy a number of senses, it will also allow childless couples to experience the 'pitter-patter of little feet' next Christmas."

One donor who stood in a long line this morning to participate said he was more than willing to give and that the added income would go a long way to make his holidays and possibly someone elses more fruitful.

"I've been called a jerk all my life so this seemed like the perfect opportunity to make a few bucks and live up to my reputation."

When asked what steps he took to prepare to donate, he told reporters that he has abstained from any kind of sexual activity for the past week. He said the hot water bottle tucked neatly between his legs was to ensure that his 'little buggers' stayed warm.

"It's best to keep them comfortable because it's a little chilly this morning," he said. "There's nothing worse than reaching down there and having to search for the frightened, cold turtle."

Donor's can expect to wait about half hour in line, but officials say they have provided enough material inside to make the donation process a quick and easy experience.

Sunday's Chuckle- A Christmas Story

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

Best Wishes,
Santa

Innovative Gift Gives Gaming Industry A Run For Their Money

As many parents scramble to find the perfect gift this season, manufacturers are trying to find ways to attract consumers to purchase things other than gaming systems for their children.

"We're hoping this new product will entice kids to get off their fat little asses and spend more time outside," said one insider whose company recently released a product they think will be a hit with both parents and children.

John Deere@, famous for their bright green tractors and heavy equipment, have developed what they think might be the perfect gift this year.


This innovative little lawnmower, which the company has named 'Slashers Revenge', is sure to bring shouts of glee and happiness from the youngsters as they gather round the Hanukkah bush or Christmas tree a few weeks from now.

It's loaded with features including a headlight to allow children to use it both during the day and into the evening. It also comes with an iPod mount on the center console for those tykes who are incapable of doing anything without music blaring in their ears. They've also added an adapter with platform to mount other electronics such as Playstation's PSP or Nintendo's DS systems. The cell phone adapter has a built in speaker allowing users to talk hands free while tending to their mowing chores.

Company officials said they expect this item, priced at $1,700, to go rather quickly and have stepped up production to meet their anticipated demand.

Archdiocese To Pay For The Sins Of The Fathers

**BREAKING NEWS-LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA**


This holiday season the old phrase 'pass the plate' will have a whole new meaning for those whose chosen religion falls under the wings of the Catholic church.

Yesterdays landmark decision by the largest Roman Catholic archdiocese to settle 45 of the pending 500 lawsuits against the archdiocese in regards to sexual abuse cases has many people nervous as to where the $60 million will come from.

"It's sort of like the pay-at-the-pump, pay-as-you-go theory,' said one disgruntled parishioner. "You take it up the ass back then and you take it up the ass now--either way it's going to come back to what we throw in the collection pot every Sunday."

Last year California legislators passed a state law that suspended the statute of limitations for sexual abuse claims and has received more than a 1,000 claims.

A spokesman for the church, who would speak only under the condition he remain anonymous, said that these monetary settlements should go a long way to help some of the victims recapture the youth that was stolen from them.

Citizenship Requirements Not As Easy As Anticipated

Wannabe U.S. residents will soon have a better opportunity to remain in the country now that the Citizenship and Immigration department announced today they are revamping the test required of all those applying for citizenship.

A trial run is being conducted by immigrant volunteers and will determine how much current knowledge of the political system each applicant has. Officials say the idea behind the new test is to determine how much each individual knows about the concept of democracy rather than memorizing historical facts.

The new questions include:

Why does the United States have three branches of government?
Name two rights that are only for US citizens
Name two cabinet-level positions
Name one important idea found in the Declaration of Independence
What does the Constitution do?

While many feel this concept will determine how involved each applicant is in the heated political era we currently live in, critics argue that it will eliminate far too many of those without access to world events.

One applicant who was determined to pass at any cost shared his test results with the press. He said in fact that he was very proud he was able to answer all five questions.

Q: Why does the United States have three branches of government?
A: We make too many wars where we are not wanted. The branches are all from 'Olive Trees' so we can ask for forgiveness.

Q: Name two rights that are only for US citizens?
A. 1. We have the right to flee from angry looking police officers when we feel our safety is in jeopardy. 2. We can turn right on a red light when it is safe to do so.

Q: Name two cabinet-level positions?
A: 1. 36 inches from the floor so everyone will be able to reach the sink. 2. About 16" above the counter for easier access.

Q: Name one important idea found in the Declaration of Independence?
A: To be independent enough to make money and skirt the whole tax-paying issue.

Q: What does the Constitution do?
A: This one is a little embarrassing but it's the thing that regulates when and if I will be able to take a crap everyday.

Yesterday officials escorted the applicant to the airport to ensure his immediate departure back to his homeland.