THE "NOT-SO" NEWS/JBLA: Wood May Be The Gift Of All Time

Monday, December 18, 2006

Wood May Be The Gift Of All Time

If you're a woman looking for a gift that stands out this year try giving that special man wood this Christmas.

Scientists have found a way to give that special man in your life a little boost in the booty department by changing the structure of DNA so that erectile function is achievable and long lasting.

In a small pilot study, airline captains, co-pilots and even a few navigators were used as test subjects. Many of the participants were able to record the exact effects of the genetic alteration while filling countless hours in the air on auto-pilot.

Passengers on selected flights also participated by noting the demeanor of the pilots as they milled about the cabin welcoming them on board. Some findings lead researchers to the realization that they would need to play with the dosage as walking around among total strangers with a boner could lead to serious legal action.

Whether the effect is in reality a real change in the genetic makeup or just a trick of the brain, researchers say that one shot can last up to 24 weeks and leave your man feeling like a stud muffin.

The injection, which they say is the only part that causes any pain, can be injected while a patient is awake or asleep.

"We know that men are less likely to use this approach themselves because anything that comes near a mans penis usually needs to be soft and warm and a hypodermic needle anywhere in the vicinity of a mans sexual organ can be intensely frightening," one researcher said. "Our consumer target is the female partner of men suffering from a slowpoke penis because they have ample opportunities to strike when the iron is not hot so to speak."

Airline officials say that if this pilot program continues to work out, they will offer it as a hiring incentive.

"We want our pilots to be happy because when they're happy there are less turbulents in the air and on the ground."


Blogger Dr. A said...

How's that go, "Pilots do it better because they get it up in the air..."

"The injection?" Yeesh! I think I'll pass. Plus, I'm not a pilot. I only play one on TV.

Finally, did you hear that the Mile High Club as a new "incentive" program? HA!

8:37 AM  
Blogger Andrew said...

"Pilot Program"! :o)

I love it! Great work as always Jacqui!

But what will we do for wood once all the oil is gone and we've burned up all the trees trying to keep warm?

11:59 AM  
Blogger Helen said...

Thank you for stopping by my blog and leaving a comment. It was much appreciated. I'll visit your blog again soon.

10:18 AM  
Blogger Mr. Toast said...

Hi JB -- well, now I know what I want for Christmas. Thanks for visiting my blog and leaving the comment. I like your stuff here, I've always been a big fan of satirical Onion-esque news stories, and yours are well-written and very clever. Would you be interested in swapping links to each other's sites? Thanks.

Mr. Toast

PS: Are you the "she's young and she's hot" girl pictured in your sidebar? Wowsah.

1:20 PM  
Blogger jbwritergirl said...

Hey there Mr. Toast,

I liked your site as well. I'd be happy to switch links.

As to the PS: That may have been me about 25 years ago but no, it's my beautiful daughter. I agree she is pretty Wowsah!

1:30 PM  
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