THE "NOT-SO" NEWS/JBLA: Citizenship Requirements Not As Easy As Anticipated

Friday, December 01, 2006

Citizenship Requirements Not As Easy As Anticipated

Wannabe U.S. residents will soon have a better opportunity to remain in the country now that the Citizenship and Immigration department announced today they are revamping the test required of all those applying for citizenship.

A trial run is being conducted by immigrant volunteers and will determine how much current knowledge of the political system each applicant has. Officials say the idea behind the new test is to determine how much each individual knows about the concept of democracy rather than memorizing historical facts.

The new questions include:

Why does the United States have three branches of government?
Name two rights that are only for US citizens
Name two cabinet-level positions
Name one important idea found in the Declaration of Independence
What does the Constitution do?

While many feel this concept will determine how involved each applicant is in the heated political era we currently live in, critics argue that it will eliminate far too many of those without access to world events.

One applicant who was determined to pass at any cost shared his test results with the press. He said in fact that he was very proud he was able to answer all five questions.

Q: Why does the United States have three branches of government?
A: We make too many wars where we are not wanted. The branches are all from 'Olive Trees' so we can ask for forgiveness.

Q: Name two rights that are only for US citizens?
A. 1. We have the right to flee from angry looking police officers when we feel our safety is in jeopardy. 2. We can turn right on a red light when it is safe to do so.

Q: Name two cabinet-level positions?
A: 1. 36 inches from the floor so everyone will be able to reach the sink. 2. About 16" above the counter for easier access.

Q: Name one important idea found in the Declaration of Independence?
A: To be independent enough to make money and skirt the whole tax-paying issue.

Q: What does the Constitution do?
A: This one is a little embarrassing but it's the thing that regulates when and if I will be able to take a crap everyday.

Yesterday officials escorted the applicant to the airport to ensure his immediate departure back to his homeland.

5 Comments:

Blogger Michael C said...

The constitution answer is hysterical. great post. I can hear our borders slamming shut as I type this.

12:41 PM  
Blogger jbwritergirl said...

You mean the gate slamming shut on our beautiful new fence don't you? Starting to smell a little like Berlin in California.

4:32 PM  
Blogger Media Lizzy said...

The more like Berlin, the more the Governator will be able to channel his inner-Nazi. How fun for us.

Or maybe, we can just set up little kiosks at the border and give everyone a US passport on the way in. Maybe if it's "domestic" terrorism, the government would do a better job!

hee hee...

8:00 PM  
Blogger Bud Weiser, WTIT said...

You have taught me a lot today. I always was proud to be American. But now I know why. Those "Right Turns on Red". Brilliant.

Thanks for helping me sort this out.

2:52 PM  
Blogger jbwritergirl said...

Glad to help out - in other words 'this one's for you bud'!

3:06 PM  

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