A NOTE TO MY BLOG LAND FRIENDS

To all my dear friends in bloggerland,

I will not be posting over the next week or so. I have been trying to give it the one two punch but my mind is elsewhere these days.

As most of you know my father is gravely ill and has now been hospitalized. The prognosis is not very uplifting so I will spare you the details. I'm leaving on Wednesday to spend a little time with him and my mom so we can reminisce a little about our crazy life together over the past 50 years (Okay, do not come back with any age jokes or I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN).

Not sure the exact date I will be back but I promise to pick up where I left off and will re-boot my funny bone as quickly as is possible.

I wish all of you well, and I know, even though the comments have been slim as a result of my sporadic posts, that many of you have stopped by on occasion just to check up on me--Thank You!!!!

Until the next post....

Jacqui

SUNDAY HUMOR-FOOD FOR THOUGHT

STILL TRYING TO FINISH UP MANY POSTS THAT ARE SITTING IN MY EDIT BOX.

My Bad...Another Halloween Funny

EDUCATION ON PAR IN CHINA

Educators in China announced today that, in having gotten hip to where the big deals go down in the business world, they are now requiring many students to take golf lessons in prepararation for their future career.

"We know this is just bullshit but men in particular need a real excuse to step outside the same old work day, get out of the office and maybe pull down a deal here and there," one official said.

After news of this hit the papers this morning many golfers world wide ditched their suit coats, ties and slacks for short sleeved, collard shirts and khaki pants and headed for their local country club.

"At last someone recognizes that golf is a big part of the economic environmentally sound ways of increasing business," said a doctor who's specialty is proctology. "If I have to work around assholes all day, it might as well be with those who I share a common interest with."

Principal Resigns Over Dead Pussy

The killing of two kittens on school property last month by school principal Wade Pilloud has drawn criticism from both animal activists and school officials.

In trying to rid school property of the wild cats, the mother of the two kittens was accidentally killed by an animal trap leaving the babies orphaned. Pilloud, who claims to be a cat lover and breeder, said he could not stand by and let the kittens starve to death so rather than trying to feed them or take them to an animal shelter, he took it upon himself to spare them any discomfort and shot them point blank.

Pilloud's defense attorney claims this was an act of passion.

"All my client wanted was a little pussy," the attorney said. "He has already admitted he's a cat breeder, how he does that...well...I don't even want to know and I believe that when these kittens wouldn't go along with the plan he lost it and in a fit of rage shot them."

What is even more disturbing to school officials is not the death of the kittens so much as it is because Pilloud had a gun on school property, a strict rule imposed to Ward off increased school violence.

In his own defense Pilloud said that he keeps the gun at school in his office under lock and key at all times for protection.

"Have you seen the students lately? Have you watched the news recently?" Pilloud said. "If you think I'm going to let some loner Goth looking mental case come in here and shoot me dead...well that ain't gonna happen now is it?"

Although Pilloud has resigned his post after he and the district reached a settlement, he still may face felony firearm charges.

SUNDAY HUMOR

To My Dear Wife:

"You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset -I shall be home before midnight."

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

"My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.


Authors Note: Today marks the 1 YEAR anniversary of this blog, Yehaw!!! Although it started out one way it has grown over the year into what I had hoped for. Thank you to all my visitors as I close in on the 10,000 visitor mark.

What Will You Be For Halloween?

It's on everyone's mind now. Coming up with something new each year can be a challenge and can also be expensive. I will give you a list of household items and the challenge is to come up with an original character with superpowers.

You must list the name given to your character and what powers you have!




1. One pair of black stockings.
2. The tie from your favorite bath robe.
3. Two paper towels.
4. A T-Shirt (wife beater style)
5. The hose from your vacuum cleaner.
6. One black floor length cape.
7. One red sheet that you can cut any way you like.

Use your imagination and let the ideas fly!


SATURDAY BLOG OF THE DAY: MELONCUTTERS MUSING

Woman And Son Arrested In Dead Beat Father Scam

In an attempt to gain some satisfaction following a bitter separation, a Spanish women tried her hand at circumventing a court system that continuously denied her child support.

The woman along with her 15-year-old son were arrested this week after they scammed the boys father out of $1.26 million in ransom payments. The pair faked the son's kidnapping three times and were successful in collecting the money from the father. It was when they got greedy and tried for a fourth time that the father finally caught on and called police.

"I guess the women never believed in the old adage 'three times the charm'", said one police official. "I don't think the father is all that bright either so it may be that justice was served after all."

Death Row Inmate Eating For Two

In Hanoi this week prison officials have confirmed that a 39-year-old female prisoner held in solitary confinement is 11-weeks pregnant.

Nearing her second trimester the accused heroin trafficker, Nguyen the Oanh, said that this should come as no surprise.

"Even though this an all women facility there are a lot of pricks running the prison," she said.

Police officials have launched an investigation into how it happened and are trying to find out if their solitary confinement cells have been compromised.

Although there is speculation by officials that this was a case of immaculate conception many feel it happened the good old fashioned way.

"Spending time in prison often leaves inmates feeling fucked but in this case the inmate was most likely really fucked!"

Probe Launched in Page Cover-Up

Now that Republican Congressman Mark Foley has come clean and is safely tucked away in an upscale alcohol rehabilitation program, officials are scrambling to cover their asses according to reports.

Foley, who resigned from politics after his sexually charged e-mails to young men working as congressional pages became public knowledge, also admitted that as a young man he was sexually abused. Many critics are questioning whether he was in fact the victim of circumstance and simply massaged the old adage of 'what goes around, comes around', or whether he was simply looking for a way to come out of the closet in a big way with hopes that publishers will scramble to offer him a book deal for millions of dollars.

Speaker of the House J. Dennis Hastert said anyone involved in covering up Foley's foibles should and will be fired and that until such time where politicians are allowed to be openly gay while serving in office, there will be greater steps taken to protect these innocent victims.

"Yes, we know these young men fresh out of college are simply gorgeous, especially when you put them in a suit, however, when we offer them hands on experience here at the White House it is not our intention to offer them 'that' kind of hands on experience," Hastert said. "We will turn every page, over and over and over and over, until we get to the bottom of this."

Many Gay Republican Politicians, whose wives and children have served them well as beards over the years, have been seen lining up to aid Congress in the investigation.

"Just give me an hour alone with any one of those pages and I'm sure I can pump some pertinent information out of them," said one GRP who asked to remain unidentified

Several religious affiliates have come to Foley's defense since his resignation citing quotes from the bible such as 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you' but this line of defense was quickly thrown out by legal council due to the fact that sex, politics and religion cannot be used in the same sentence.

Foley will spend at least six months in rehab to overcome his self admitted alcohol abuse and will undergo counseling for his admitted gayness. He said the only thing he was truly sorry for is that this whole mess became public but, that his indiscretion may eventually help change the publics view of allowing openly gay men or women to run for public office.

"Every book has it's cover, what you do with the pages in between should be your own business."

North Korea Nuke Test Causes Global Unrest

The foreign press is reporting the biggest nuke test ever occurred late last week just inside the North Korean border.

In an attempt to lower gas bills, North Korean officials admit they distributed more than 12 million microwave ovens to residents along with two bags of Orville Redenbacher microwave popcorn.

"It is our desire to make the world take notice of our humble country and our desire to reduce natural resource consumption," said one official. "We know that this has been protested and that globally it will be looked upon as devious but we felt it was in the best interest of some of our poorer families."

At one minute before noon on Friday every resident stood with their hand on the knob of their newly acquired microwave oven in anticipation of the worlds largest pop-off in recorded history.

"It was kind of scary," one resident said. "It was eerily quiet everywhere except for when the clock struck noon. You could literally feel the earth move as the bags of popcorn began to pop everywhere."

The effects were felt as far away as South Korea and those along the border sought cover from what they thought was a mass invasion.

"It sounded like thousands of guns shooting bullets," said one resident who appeared dirty and tired after spending nearly one hour buried inside a small hole in a local mine shaft. "It only lasted about five minutes but the intensity was so incredible I don't think I will ever get that noise out of my head."

President Bush also released a statement to the press that suggested he was displeased with their testing.

"If North Korea wants to pop-off without global agreement then we can certainly accommodate them with our own nuke tests," Bush said. "It won't be the first time and it won't be the last time."

California Farmers Unite To Beat Obesity

In an effort to curb peoples appetite's many farmers have devised a way to taint their food rendering it inedible.

Cattle farmers have banded together with vegetable growers to help Americans get ahead of the obesity problem that plagues more and more people daily.

"If you tell people it's okay to eat our products then they will. But, if you tell them it's okay to eat it but you're taking a chance on having a serious bowel problem and/or possible death...then consumers tend to think more about what their putting in their mouths," said one local California lettuce grower. "We ship this stuff all over the country so we can really make a difference in peoples daily consumption level and maybe help some shit...er...shed a few pounds."

He added that even a little dose of e-coli can go a long way for those who often suffer from symptoms associated with constipation and angry bowel syndrome.

"That's all it takes...just a little...and it's like being uncorked," he said. "Sometimes that's all it takes to drop a few pounds at a rather startling rate."

The average meat eater consumes more than four pounds of beef per week according to statistics. Medical experts say that with this type of consumption in conjunction with an e-coli outbreak many states can expect dinners to start dropping like flies.

Officials released a warning that switching from meat to vegetables such as spinach or lettuce can do an equal amount of damage now that many of these products have become infected with bad cow dung, which causes the virus.

Restaurants have already begun to prepare for such disasters by installing a speed dial phone system that connects them directly to their local ambulance service with an additional button to local Rotto-Rooter companies in case of toilet overflows.

Sunday Humor

EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

I've Been Tagged

So, it appears that 'Meloncutter' has tagged me even though there has not been any pear waxing to speak of.

I know I've been out of the loop a little but I assumed everyone would forgive me for my short hiatus (I've posted almost daily for a year now), but no, I've been tagged, which of course cannot go by without a response.


So here it is: The five songs I'd have played at my funeral...

"I'm Leavin On A Jet Plane"...don't know when I'll be back again
...just in case there is such a thing as reincarnation!

"Something's Burning"
...for obvious reasons...and I assume most of my friends will be joining me down there!

"Knocking On Heavens Door"
...just in case I started to behave just prior to my demise but I assume I won't see most of my friends there!

"Wild Thing"
...because I tried everything there was to do and because it was most likely what killed me and led to the funeral in the first place!

"I Want To Kiss You All Over"
...in case any of my male friends along the way found their necrophiliac side. Hell, I'm dead anyway so who give a shit?


So there you have it folks. I suppose these things are very telling but you never know. After all anyone who reads my news reports is always left to guess whether it's true or false or somewhere in between.

Seniors Easily Identifiable

Senior citizens can rejoice as Social Security offices across the nation have unleashed a new means of easily identifying those who qualify for benefits.

According to news reports one applicant who rushed to his local government office to beat a looming application deadline said that he inadvertently left his house without his wallet.

"I looked in my pockets and realized that I had left my wallet at home," he told reporters. "I offered to go home and come back in a couple of hours to show proof of my age but she said that was not necessary."

The woman who was processing the papers got up from her desk and closed the door to her office, then asked the 65-year-old man to remove his shirt.

"I have to admit I was a little dumbfounded by her request but I figured she'd been at this a long time so I did as I was asked hoping that it would save both of us a lot of time."

The man said that after seeing the curly silver hair on his chest she said that that was proof enough of my age, then she picked up her official stamp and pressed it onto the bottom of the form and I was issued my first Social Security check.

When asked by reporters why she used this method the processor told them that she had been doing this a very long time and although people have tried to fool her many times this method has always remained tried and true.

"When you see that line of white hair going down the chest and below the belt it's a good predictor that you are truly looking at a senior citizen."

Proud that he had overcome the wallet snafu the man said he explained to his wife what had happened and how things had worked out just fine but he was surprised that his wife was not thrilled.

"She said that I should have dropped my pants as well because then I would not only have gotten Social Security, I would likely have begun to receive disability checks as well."

Re Post: Out Of Africa (while on safari in LA)

NOTE: I cannot seem to stay away but am not feeling very funny so I thought I'd re post a story from back when this blog was a photo competition with my friend Tammy. The camera used is a Holga ($10.95), which was originally sold as a toy over seas. You cannot do much with it but shoot straight ahead and with the polaroid back on it you cannot use the lens finder so you spend much of your time guessing or wasting film trying to get the right shot.

OUT OF AFRICA...


While on Safari with my young son today, I spotted something so glorious and beautiful that I had to stop the elephant, get off and take a look.

As we stumbled and thrashed our way through the brush, dodging poisoness vipers, we came to a clearing that allowed me to see what had caught my eye from my humble perch on the vast boney spined animal.

There it was, in all it's beauty basking in the warmth of the jungle sun.

Bee's hovered in and around it sucking at its sweet nectar. Swarms of gnats flew about my eyes but they could not discourage me from getting a closer look.

Beautiful, I thought to myself! I turned to see what my young son thought but he did not match my footsteps, afraid that the bee's would like his nectar as a sweet substitute.

As I raised the Holga I realized that the texture and detail of this beautiful flora could never be grasped by my insufficient lens. But, I also knew I could not walk away without something in my hand, a memory of my daily trek through the terrain I now call home. I had to remember this beautiful flower so that when night fell I could dream of it's fragrance and get lost in that dream.

As my gaze stretched beyond the long stem I saw it's fruit and my stomach began to growl. Days in the hot jungle will do that to you.

I knew that the fruit was forbidden, that I might be cursed, or worse yet--shot, should I be seen pilfering just one plump ripe banana, so instead I raised the Holga one last time.

I carried this picture close to my heart as we traveled back towards camp along the dusty trail all the while trying to imagine the taste of the fruit on my tongue. A fruit so boldly displayed and set just right to attract an unwary traveler like me in the middle of this crazy journey.

Tonight, I shall wait till the fire roars before me, when in peace and on my own two feet, I can enjoy a feast prepared by my minions and think of the purloined fruit.

I will hold the photo's close as sleep closes in and dreams of my next jaunt begin to fall behind my closed lids.

Till the next journey, I bid you adieu!

(Photo's were actually taken on a little side street just off Van Nuys Blvd near Magnolia in Sherman Oaks, California. Who said Angeleno's don't know how to farm?)