THE "NOT-SO" NEWS/JBLA: California Farmers Unite To Beat Obesity

Monday, October 09, 2006

California Farmers Unite To Beat Obesity

In an effort to curb peoples appetite's many farmers have devised a way to taint their food rendering it inedible.

Cattle farmers have banded together with vegetable growers to help Americans get ahead of the obesity problem that plagues more and more people daily.

"If you tell people it's okay to eat our products then they will. But, if you tell them it's okay to eat it but you're taking a chance on having a serious bowel problem and/or possible death...then consumers tend to think more about what their putting in their mouths," said one local California lettuce grower. "We ship this stuff all over the country so we can really make a difference in peoples daily consumption level and maybe help some shit...er...shed a few pounds."

He added that even a little dose of e-coli can go a long way for those who often suffer from symptoms associated with constipation and angry bowel syndrome.

"That's all it takes...just a little...and it's like being uncorked," he said. "Sometimes that's all it takes to drop a few pounds at a rather startling rate."

The average meat eater consumes more than four pounds of beef per week according to statistics. Medical experts say that with this type of consumption in conjunction with an e-coli outbreak many states can expect dinners to start dropping like flies.

Officials released a warning that switching from meat to vegetables such as spinach or lettuce can do an equal amount of damage now that many of these products have become infected with bad cow dung, which causes the virus.

Restaurants have already begun to prepare for such disasters by installing a speed dial phone system that connects them directly to their local ambulance service with an additional button to local Rotto-Rooter companies in case of toilet overflows.

1 Comments:

Blogger Meloncutter said...

Yup... The spinach thingy scared the crap out of me and I didn't even eat any.

Later Yall......

5:45 PM  

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