Probe Launched in Page Cover-Up

Now that Republican Congressman Mark Foley has come clean and is safely tucked away in an upscale alcohol rehabilitation program, officials are scrambling to cover their asses according to reports.

Foley, who resigned from politics after his sexually charged e-mails to young men working as congressional pages became public knowledge, also admitted that as a young man he was sexually abused. Many critics are questioning whether he was in fact the victim of circumstance and simply massaged the old adage of 'what goes around, comes around', or whether he was simply looking for a way to come out of the closet in a big way with hopes that publishers will scramble to offer him a book deal for millions of dollars.

Speaker of the House J. Dennis Hastert said anyone involved in covering up Foley's foibles should and will be fired and that until such time where politicians are allowed to be openly gay while serving in office, there will be greater steps taken to protect these innocent victims.

"Yes, we know these young men fresh out of college are simply gorgeous, especially when you put them in a suit, however, when we offer them hands on experience here at the White House it is not our intention to offer them 'that' kind of hands on experience," Hastert said. "We will turn every page, over and over and over and over, until we get to the bottom of this."

Many Gay Republican Politicians, whose wives and children have served them well as beards over the years, have been seen lining up to aid Congress in the investigation.

"Just give me an hour alone with any one of those pages and I'm sure I can pump some pertinent information out of them," said one GRP who asked to remain unidentified

Several religious affiliates have come to Foley's defense since his resignation citing quotes from the bible such as 'do unto others as you would have them do unto you' but this line of defense was quickly thrown out by legal council due to the fact that sex, politics and religion cannot be used in the same sentence.

Foley will spend at least six months in rehab to overcome his self admitted alcohol abuse and will undergo counseling for his admitted gayness. He said the only thing he was truly sorry for is that this whole mess became public but, that his indiscretion may eventually help change the publics view of allowing openly gay men or women to run for public office.

"Every book has it's cover, what you do with the pages in between should be your own business."