School District To Implement Cell Phone Plan

Scientists have released a new study that says cell phone use stimulates the brain.

School officials across the nation put in an emergency funding request that would allow them to purchase a cell phone for every high school student in their districts.

"Students today are facing many obstacles such as keeping up with the high state standards, bad tenured teachers we can't get rid of, and a variety of other social issues including the increased use of marijuana," one official said. "We are hoping the phones stimulation will enhance the euphoria associated with pot smoking and in turn decrease the ever rising drop out rates every school across America is facing."

Funding this project will be an uphill battle however as top ranking government officals defend their position that money is better spent on bombs for foreign wars than raising a new generation of graduating students.