Does This Coffee Make My Ass Look Fat?

Now that the skinny is out on just how fattening many coffee drinks are, health conscious advocates are going after coffee houses both locally and nationally in hopes of forcing them to cut all the bad shit out of their products.

The question is--will savvy frappachino consumers go after these big corporate coffee 'beaners' to help defray medical costs connected directly to their now obese fat asses due to the consumption of these fattening drinks?

One anonymous coffee addicted customer said she was unaware of what her thrice daily consumption was doing to her body until she accidentally caught a glimpse of her reflection in a plate glass window on her way to work.

"It was so unexpected and I can't seem to shake that lardy armed image out of my mind," she said. "My ass was as big as a barn door and no one said anything so I just kept on drinking--people can be so cruel."

She said this is forcing her to shell out the big bucks to hire a personal trainer in hopes of scaling down her ever growing, jelly like butt cheeks.

"I'm trying to cut back to just one of those drinks a day, but it's hard because it's the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to bed," she said. "It's really depressing!"

Officials of the coffee industry deny that it is their responsibility to inform customers when they think they've had enough simply based on their appearance.

"If consumers are too stupid to figure out for themselves why they are constantly having to buy bigger and bigger clothes because they can't control their cravings, well I most certainly can't see them blaming anyone but themselves for their insatiable greed."


Filed by JBLA/The Not-So News June 2006