THE "NOT-SO" NEWS/JBLA

Raising Cain

2011-12-05T04:27:00.001-08:00

Now that presidential hopeful, Herman Cain, has announced that he will no longer seek a presidential seat, many are wondering what's next for the man about town.

Some are saying that he'll be back in the saddle before long, only this time, his new on-line presence will be coming from eHarmony.

Baby Boom Related To Presidents Comments

2009-09-17T05:28:00.000-07:00

When Obama encouraged mothers to go back to school he inadvertantly set off a strange chain of events. Because unemployment is causing millions of women to remain at home while seeking work, there seems to be a 'baby boom' resurfacing. While Obama did not actually say 'go back to fucking school' that indeed has become the mantra of many families.

For the male counterparts of these stay at home moms the mantra is far different. Struggling through this recession has caused many men to feel that 'fuck me' mentality, which in turn has become the leading cause of what many predict to be the biggest baby boom in years.

Times Getting Tougher

2009-06-04T13:16:00.000-07:00

Consumers are always on the lookout for a good deal these days because the economy has tanked.

Economists fear this trend will continue long into the future.

Researchers however have found, that when times get like this people will give up just about anything but their social life.

Retailers are reaching out to their buyers with new impactfull tactics.

Real Friends Count On Each Other

2009-05-10T06:48:00.000-07:00

Barbie Celebrates Her 50th Birthday

2009-04-20T11:33:00.000-07:00

Anti Terror Group Goes On A Wild Goose Chase

2009-01-31T12:45:00.000-08:00

Investigators have released new information about the US Airways jet that went down shortly after takeoff from LaGuardia Airport this month. In the initial report airport officials said the airplane struck a group of wild geese, but further investigation proved they were not just any old geese as first reported.

Migrating from Afghanistan, this particular group known as Osumhave Bin Flyin, have been know to anti-terror groups for a long time now but had thus far been non-active.

The two lone survivors of the ill fated flock were recently spotted near the shores of New Jersey. They have been identified as Osuma Bin Quacker and his side man Osure Ibin Goosed.

Officials say they have a plan to capture them but are waiting for the weather to turn.

"When we catch them their goose will be cooked."

Transportation authorities credit the pilot for saving the passengers and crew. Soft landings are difficult but not impossible as shown in the following video.

Viagra Not A Wise Choice In A Soft Market

2008-12-08T06:26:00.000-08:00

Pfizer's attempt to market their potency pill over the counter in Europe has been withdrawn after the European Medicine Agency Committee said it would not solve their 'economic' stimulation woes.

"We feel we've been put between a rock and a hard place."

Those who supported the over-the-counter proposal argue that when a man is feeling good about himself there is a tendency to spend far more money through socializing, dating, and whoring around.

"When a man is that hard pressed he will do anything in a soft market," said an anonymous spokesman for the group.

The little blue pill, which can stimulate a man's penis for up to eight hours, has reached epic sales figures of 1.8 billion dollars in 2007 and is expected to grow as a result of psychological damage caused by what the government has officially reported as a world wide recession.

Twenty Two And Counting

2008-11-19T16:44:00.000-08:00

Here she is...at long last...the daughter I've always wanted. She made it to 22!!!!! Yehaw. I am happy she's back, strong, out of the dark, and back into my arms. And some people say dreams don't come true. BALONEY! All you have to do is hang in there folks.

Election Security Bumped Up

2008-11-03T05:22:00.000-08:00

For all those heading to the polls tomorrow for what many describe as the most frenzied desperately needed election, you can expect to see a surge in security.

According to officials, undercover police, private security guards, as well as bomb squad members will be placed randomly at polling sites throughout the nation as a means of keeping the process orderly.

Several security breaches have recently been thwarted by keen government agencies and they say they are not willing to take any chances on this monumental day.

"We had these t-shirts printed especially for Tuesday just in case anything goes wrong at any polling place."

[For those of you who cannot read the T-Shirt it says, "I am a bomb technician. It you see me running--try to keep up."]

Foreign Clinic Comes Into Money

2008-10-30T08:18:00.000-07:00

A clinic announced today that they will be offering a new service to those women who are dissatisfied with their vagina's.

A spokeswoman for the clinic said it does not matter whether you hurt it in an accident or would just like a few tweaks here and there they can do just about anything.

Some of the procedures include reconfiguring, lessen or widening the circumference, or they can just make it esthetically pleasing. Follow up visits are encouraged to test the results of the surgery.

"We encourage you to come any time you want," said Dr.Matutuwa.

Farting Has Health Benefits

2008-10-29T06:31:00.000-07:00

The media has bombarded us with the health benefits of drinking wine on a daily basis, getting in enough exercise to tone the flab, and eating a proper diet to keep the pipes working, and now there is another dietary supplement that scientists say may possibly save your life.

Eating a can of beans or any other product that produces gas may become the new health standard. A recently released study posted on Live Science says that hydrogen sulfide regulates blood pressure and may be used as drug therapy for those whose pressure fluctuates.

"That rotten-egg smell should be taken as a sign of health," officials say. "When farts occur you should be able to see a change in the air pattern similar to when heat hits the pavement."

"We've tested the theory on mice and it seems to prove true," said one unidentified source, adding that if you happen to be in a grocery store on senior shopping day you can see and hear for yourself that many seniors have already discovered the health extending benefits of passing gas without a second thought.

Whitehouse-Outhouse: It's All The Same Crap

2008-10-24T14:53:00.000-07:00

A new poll released this week says that nearly every politician feels one step above their constituents.

Even die hard republican fans who have been teetering on the fence as to who their vote will go to during this monumental election are in agreement with Democrats that something has to change.

"We know that we don't want another eight years like we've had," said one unidentified fan. "We are coming to the understanding that if the Republican party is reelected it is quite possible that the 'shit will really hit the fan' this time and we're tired of feeling like crap."

Everyone is scambling to figure out who the best bullshitter is and switching teams seems to be the flavor of the day. Besides, as history has proven we all know Once You Go Black, You Can Never Go Back!

Bailout Bill Reaching Out To Millions

2008-10-20T10:52:00.000-07:00

The financial crisis America finds itself in is nothing new. The adopted policy of 'been there, done that' leads everyone to believe that recovery from such monumental debt is doable.

Banking institutions are reaping the benefit of the bailout while citizens are sitting back asking themselves 'what about me'? What they fail to realize is that there is much fine print in this stimulus bill that reaches beyond those who put us in peril of losing everything.

The clause, which was added to ensure fairness, suggests that Viagra be distributed for free to every tax paying citizen. Opponents to this package state that this stimulus package will create a false sense of growth and will likely keep you up at night more so than before the shit hit the fan.

An unidentified spokesman for the government said this was a difficult but necessary decision adding that American's have always been between a rock and a hard place.

Bend Over America...This Is Going To Hurt

2008-10-08T05:21:00.000-07:00

Everyone across the nation is waiting for the fallout after government officials passed the new bailout bill to rescue big corporations, including many financial institutions.

It apparently will have no affect on AIG officials who recently spent $440,000 after getting their slice of the pie on a resort get-away to help their managers unwind and destress before jumping back into work.

Somethings Burning...But It Ain't Me

2008-10-05T22:26:00.000-07:00

I had every intention of reporting this story live but discovered I had a dead microphone.

As every reporter knows there are many slants on a story so I went in a different direction. Instead of making it a harrowing experience I created a symphony and let the music tell the story.

Was I worried about the flying cinders or wind swept flames? The answer is simple--NO!

After the story I posted earlier about the flame retardant chemicals seeping into the blood of California residents I decided to test the theory myself. It appears the scientists were right. We are invincible when it comes to wild fires. I was not singed once in the making of this movie!

California Residents Most Retarded

2008-10-05T08:16:00.000-07:00

A new study just released by researchers states that over the past 30 years residents of California have become more and more flame resistant.

Unknowingly we have been given super powers to walk through flames unharmed.

This is good news for those who constantly face the annual burn caused by natural phenomena's such as lightning stikes, or unnatural phenomena's such as arsonists.

"This is great news because now I won't have to evacuate every time the fire season hits," said a resident of a hillside that sees a fire once or twice a year. "The house may go but I know that I'll still be alive and kicking."

The new data supports this after lengthy testing on human blood. The fire retardant chemical polybrominated diphenyl ethers, or PBDE's, has been used in the manufacturing of furniture, bedding and clothes for more than thirty years. It enters the blood stream through the skin and through inhalation in the form of dust particles. Californians have twice the level in their blood than any other state in the U.S., and their homes have ten times that amount.

It is believed that many residents will rest easy knowing that they will not spontaneously combust if they drop a cigarette on their lap or run through a wild fire.

Melamine Issue Heats Up

2008-10-04T06:18:00.000-07:00

There is both good and bad news regarding the MELAMINE poisoning that has ripped through the headlines over the past few years.

The Food and Drug Administration has released a new report that confirms that consumers will only be ingesting a few particles at a time if they eat products containing the resin base material. The report also stated that there are 'safe levels' that can be ingested by nearly everyone. The bad news is that, depending on the size of your digestive tract, it can also kill you especially if you are an infant.

This was only discovered after more than 50,000 babies in China were stricken by acute kidney failure after drinking Melamine laced baby formula. Several infants reportedly died because their small tiny bodies could not digest the chemical.

Chinese manufacturers, known for their technological advances and money saving tactics, challenged that theory first by poisoning dogs and cats in early 2007 by adding the nitrogen-rich chemical to pet food. Their secret may have gone unnoticed had pets instinctively snubbed the tainted food, but that is not the case. Instead pets trusted their owners to know that the food they were serving them would keep them healthy and fit, not lead them to kidney related ailments and/or death.

Of course manufactures, who are usually creatures of habit, have gone even further by adding the chemical to candy just in time for Halloween, and pretzels just in time for the holidays. The list is endless it appears [click on headline for a list of more tainted products] so consumers should be wary of anything that melts in your mouth but not in your hands. This is a clear sign that it takes heat to break down the chemical in Melamine.

Even though the news is bad there is one more upside for those who have ingested more than they can handle. When a person dies from an illness related to Melamine poisoning they can choose to remain with their family after opting for cremation.

One option is to have the ashes reformulated for use in the kitchen. Mortuary designers can turn anyone's contaminated ashes into laminate counter tops that can be tinted to a variety of colors and designed to fit your space.

If you want more bang for your buck you can opt to spread the ashes into equal parts to create an entire set of storage containers, which will allow you to have contact with your loved ones on a daily basis and are far easier to share with relatives of the deceased.

Either option is affordable and environmentally correct.

Scientists around the world agree that reformulating a loved one is safer than scattering the ashes because of the possible impact on the ozone layer.

New Car Smell Adopted By Designers

2008-09-07T13:54:00.000-07:00

There's nothing like the smell of a new car, according to one fashion designer.

Taking her cue from car manufacturers, she has adopted the new car fragrance for her fall line of leather frocks, according to Phashionista Magazine.

When asked why she chose this scent her comment was, "Men like to shop for their wives, girlfriends or both and we all know that the smell of a new car is irresistible."

Critics of the new line of leather dresses say that her tactics may cause a lot of marital unrest because not everyone can afford the pricey apparel.

"We believe this will cause married men to start wandering if they get a whiff of a woman that happens to pass them by on the street or sits next to them at a restaurant," the spokesman said.

Men's groups across the U.S. rebuke the critics and say that even if they wander it will likely be temporary and will not interfere with their marriages.

"Men have always liked to test drive new cars but that doesn't mean we automatically trade in the old model for the new one," he said. "It's a proven fact that that new car smell eventually wears off and you're stuck with just another car that doesn't necessarily turn you on any more."

Hurricanes Spike Fashion Sense

2008-09-06T12:02:00.000-07:00

Hurricane season is in full swing leaving many no choice but to hanker down and wait them out. The latest storms have devastated many areas causing power outages and flooding.

Those who must venture into the heart of the storm are finding new and better ways of coping with the rising waters. The shoes shown here are waterproof and can be worn indoors or out and are easily color coordinated.

Although there is only a female line in production, crews are working overtime to create the male version with little or no heel at all.

Cooling It In Iraq

2008-09-01T12:38:00.000-07:00

Armed guards were called in to keep children in line during the holiday weekend romp in the only public pool open in Iraq.

Officials there say that children can easily lose control when left unattended and the guards were only put in place to keep order.

Among the top things kids are not allowed to do is dive, run or actually swim. Floating is allowed the official added.

Anyone breaking the rules will either be shot on site or shipped to Guatanamo Bay.

Road Crews Begin New Campaign To Fuck With Commuters

2008-08-31T06:59:00.000-07:00

California road maintenance crews have long been the bane of freeway travelers and have had to tolerate belligerent drivers, speeders and any other ass that travels the long slew of freeways that traverse this large state.

Today however, they have found a way to enact a little revenge of their own.

When asked for an official statement their spokesman had only one thing to say, "Nener, nener, nener."

New Water Laws Save Time And Money

2008-08-30T13:01:00.000-07:00

With water conservation at an all time high many folks are being forced to turn their creativity on in order to help them save water and money.

In order to meet new county ordinances the woman pictured here said it was a no brainer when it came to how she could cut back her water consumption, especially when it came to laundry.

"I think this just proves that you can actually throw the baby out with the bath water providing you hang them out to dry immediately."

"I kill two birds with one stone bathing my child fully dressed," she said. "The child is clean, the clothes are clean and not only does it save water, it saves a hell of a lot of time because there is no undressing or redressing to worry about."

She said the drying time depends on the weather.

It's No "Wonder" For Bra Manufacturer

2008-08-13T06:27:00.000-07:00

Women are often found searching for a way to enhance their life but when it comes to bras one has to 'wonder'.

"This is a golden opportunity for me to get ahead of the pack so to speak," said one woman who wished to remain anonymous. "The only problem is that sometimes it puts you so far ahead of the pack that it can cause bodily damage if you turn to quickly or don't pay attention to how close you get to things."

Critics of the wonder bra however say that this is unfair advertising and suggest that each of these products come with a warning label that states 'contents may appear larger than they really are'.

Go Ahead, Push My Button

2008-08-06T07:14:00.000-07:00

Manufacturers of a new device say that it is now possible for woman to have longer, better and far more intense orgasms just by pushing a button. This is good news for many women whose partners are not only couch potatoes in the living room but in the bedroom as well.

Recently released in the United States, 'Slightest Touch' is designed to stimulate the bodies sexual nerve pathway.

According to the manufacturers instructions you just strap it onto your ankles after drinking an electrolyte drink and you're off to the races, however, since there is no need to touch the genital area the product maker cautions this device should not be used when operating a moving vehicle.

They also caution that you should follow directions completely because if you apply the patches in the wrong direction all hell will break loose with your toes.

They do not rule out using it at the movies, the grocery store or while enjoying a diner out providing you are able to conceal it beneath your clothing.

The device is suitable for most, but cautions women taking anti-depressants, women who are pregnant, and those who have heart problems not to use the Slightest Touch. This is good news in regards to availability since statistics say that nearly 85% of women are or will be on anti-depressants by 2009. Happy shopping ladies!

Chair Manufacturers Busted

2008-08-05T10:52:00.000-07:00

A federal lawsuit has been filed against a chair company this week. The suit claims that the design is faulty and has caused an excess of embarrassing moments for many of the claimants.

It is expected that the manufacturers will file an appeal with the superior court claiming that women should be in control of their anatomy not chair makers.

They are however offering a settlement deal should the suit go forward. Officials of the company said that they will replace their clients existing chairs with a heavier duty one that is fully weaved at the top.

"We want our clients to have complete confidence in our products and are working diligently to improve the design to eliminate the sag flaw," said C. D. Cup, a representative of the firm. "We want women to be able to hang out without really hanging out."

If You've Been Wondering Where I've Been...

2008-07-25T11:55:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's true. I've been finishing a novel that has taken nearly a decade to write. I am currently shopping it to agents and publishers.

Like you all know, every story has two sides. You've known me for the funny weird one, well, this is a look at the underbelly of the beast.

Don't know when it will come out, just wanted you to know I have not just been sitting on my ass doing nothing. I am currently working on the sequel 'Recovery's A Bitch'.

Love ya all,
JB

New Gas Station Signs

2008-04-26T07:23:00.000-07:00

Americans are fed up with rising gas prices and have begun to alter their driving habits in order to save money.

Many station owners are also feeling the heat as their costs rise. In order to let the government know how this is affecting their business they are expected to begin transitioning to newly designed signs when the price hits $4 a gallon.

2008-04-15T07:31:00.000-07:00

In My Daughters Eyes

2008-03-29T10:40:00.001-07:00

To my daughter whom I have not seen in nearly two months.

Miss you, see you soon,
Love
MOM

Self Portrait

2008-03-16T19:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life gets in the way and sets you on a new path. I know I've been away for some time now but not without good reason. Of course it's none of your business, LOL, but I'm still here checking you out here and there. There may come a day soon when I return as the one you know but for now, I wish you all well!
JB

2007-12-31T17:44:00.000-08:00

Craig Pleads Guilty Of Being Stupid?JBLA

2007-09-14T14:59:00.000-07:00

Bloopers

2007-09-08T12:04:00.001-07:00

JBLA - News You Need To Know/3

2007-09-01T16:20:00.000-07:00

JBLA Live/3
Feel free to repost this broadcast anywhere you see fit!

JBLA Live/2

2007-08-24T12:33:00.000-07:00

JBLA - NEWS YOU NEED TO KNOW

Coming At You Live From JBLA Studios

2007-08-09T13:49:00.000-07:00

Cell Phones May Save Lives

2007-05-15T06:33:00.000-07:00

Natural disasters strike at any time and many people have no way of knowing what's going on, how bad it is and whether or not they will feel the impact of it.

Unless you are sitting in front of a television or listening to the radio, you may be out of the loop, but technology experts are now working feverishly to bring the cell phone emergency alert system to life.

The technology has been around for nearly a decade, according to reports, but was never implemented because it would have required a large financial investment on the part of cellular manufacturers.

Since land lines are becoming more and more obsolete and natural disasters are becoming more frequent, government officials say the time has come to use some of the excessive cellular overcharges to finance the endevor to save lives.

Messages will be sent directly to cell phone users telling them what is going on and what they should do to get out of harms way. For those not familiar with how these look on screen, the following is an example of what to expect.

You will see this message if there is still time to beat a hasty escape from disasters such as fires, oncoming flood waters or predicted hurricanes. There is a distinct possibility that you will survive.

This you will see if you didn't get the first message. Usually it is too late to find your car keys or other escape vehicle so it is best if you keep a close eye on things that may have become dangerously airborn.

This means you have definitly not been paying attention because your cell phone is not on or has been set to vibrate and is in the bottom of your purse or forgotten on your dresser. You are likely to sustain injuries if not protected by hiding under something.

This means you did not get any of the above messages.

Happy Mothers Day!

2007-05-13T10:44:00.001-07:00

If You Smell Smoke It Must Be California

2007-05-08T15:34:00.000-07:00

Upon checking for breaking news this afternoon, it was not hard to find a story that wasn't hot.

Here is a picture taken from my driveway of the Griffith Park fire about an hour after it started.

Here is a brief summary of the days top news in and around Los Angeles.

100-Acres Burned So Far In Griffith Park Blaze

Firefighters Use Thermal Imaging To Monitor Burn

Firefighters Battle Blaze In Orange County

Residents: Supertanker Could Fight SoCal Wildfires

Firefighters Mop Up Hot Spots In Mira Loma Blaze

Wildfire Season Could Be Expensive

115-Acre Fire In Mira Loma 50 Percent Contained

Brush In Sunland-Tujunga Area Now Out

In Industry, Explosions Blow Out Manhole Covers

Brush Fire Burns 15 Acres In Castaic

Today it's just too damn hot, over 100 degrees, so there shall be no humor. The up side is that my air conditioner repair man is extremely happy because he is about to walk out the door with a gajillion dollars of my money for fixing the three units in my house that all decided to band together and stop working.

Celebrity Host Tries To Win Hilton Over With DUI

2007-05-07T15:27:00.000-07:00

"Extreme Makeover: Home Edition" television host Ty Pennington was arrested Saturday on misdemeanor DUI charges in Los Angeles.

He confessed to deputies that he did it on purpose because he'd been hoping to be chosen by Paris Hilton to decorate her cell so it would be ready in time for her June 5th arrival after a judge this week ordered her to spent 45 days behind bars for breaking the conditions of her probation.

"She never returned my calls so I knew this would be the only opportunity to get her attention and show her that we are like-minded," Pennington said. "I really really want to show her what I can do in such a small glum space."

Pennington also said that if he could not decorate her cell, he hoped that she'd at least pick up his latest book "Ty's Tricks: Home Repair Secrets Plus Cheap and Easy Projects to Transform Any Room".

Pussy Delays Mail

2007-05-07T08:22:00.000-07:00

Even though the postal slogan states through rain, or hail, or sleet, or snow, one distraught postal worker in Canada has refused to deliver mail to a house on her route after being threatened by a little pussy.

The owner admits that he was duped by the pet shop where the cat was purchased.

"I believe the cat had been trained to act docile and loving until such time as it was adopted or bought," he said. "All hell broke loose when we got it home. My wife and I have even had to change our nightime potty habits because he attacked me on the way to the bathroom the second night we had him."

The notorious feline, known to attack even when unprovoked, has been arrested and will serve time in a regional rehab facility called the Litter Critter Box.

This is not the cats first run in with the law, according to authorities. The eight-year-old, declawed, black cat who goes by the alias 'Shadow' will once again be cell mates with his partner in crime Fluffy, a four and a half pound mutt known for his evil temper and sneaky ways.

These two have been seen lurking in dark alleyways throughout the community during a furlough from ownership or captivity, and have been video taped terrorizing unsuspecting humans and pets over the past several years.

It is not known at this time when either will be released and to whom they will be released, but authorities have posted public warnings throughout the entire community.

VIAGRA - Just A Hop, Skip, Jump Away

2007-05-04T05:04:00.000-07:00

A local peruvian shop keeper has found a way around the high cost of sexual stimulant medications such as Viagra.

Her secret recipe is raising more than eyebrows these days and at less than a buck for one of her milkshake-like aphrodisiac drinks, many consumers are becoming repeat customers.

She said acquiring a taste for frog juice, her secret ingredient, is not that easy but once you feel the effects from this strange brew it's an easy pill to swallow.

"Sometimes, because the drink is quite thick it can choke you a little and you're stuck with a stiff neck all day, but for most people it's fairly easy to digest," she said.

The common frog has been very overlooked throughout history because of its appearance and its slime factor, but its popularity is growing as people search for a more homeopathic way to solve medical issues.

One woman who surprised her husband with a very large trained bullfrog for his birthday, said she chose this particular gift as a last resort because her husbands sexual appetite had increased exponentially over the past several years leaving her constantly exhausted.

"What made this inexpensive gift so appealing is that the clerk promised me that the frog had been trained to give blow jobs," she said. "I was looking for a way to take some of the pressure off myself."

What happened next however, came as a big surprise to the woman who is now in the process of divorce proceedings.

"I just didn't see this coming," she said. "The frog absolutely lived up to its promise and shortly after my husband taught it to cook my ass was history."

Canadian Government Safegaurds Elk Along Highways

2007-05-01T08:35:00.001-07:00

In an effort to protect one of Canada's largest herd populations, transit authorities have invested millions of tax dollars to build a bridge that offer the great elk's safe passage across some of the most trecherous roads in Canada.

"We realized that so many of these helpless animals were being killed senselessly by automobiles who travel these high speed highways everyday," said one authority. "We've also seen a sharp rise in health care costs for people who are injured when they hit one of these large animals."

The seperate roadways are open 10 months of the year and closed for two during hunting season.

"We feel this is very sportsman like protecting them until we can polish up our rifles and shoot the hell out of them."

Bloggers Unite For Peace

2007-04-30T06:33:00.001-07:00

BUT...

it is not the silence that unites us, it is the words spoken over and over by billions of people around the world every day who hope one day we can find a peaceful place to co-exist.

The words are for victims everywhere in the world, for soldiers who need our voice because they are couragiously working in silence, for victims of senseless violence, for abused children too young to stand up for themselves, for battered wives who've lost hope, for students now afraid to attend school, for people seaching for a better life outside the realm of their borders.

Yes, pictures speak a thousand words but a voice speaks volumes.

SILENCE=DEATH

If you have something to say, leave a comment here or leave me a voice mail (in the sidebar) to let others know how you feel!

[Banner courtesy of Mo at It's A Blog Eat Blog World]

New Voice Mail Comments

2007-04-29T07:16:00.000-07:00

Always on the look out to make this site more interactive, I've added a new feature in my sidebar so I and many other bloggers can now find out what you sound like.

Give it a whirl if you dare!

"Take It All Bitch" Term Removed From Dictionary

2007-04-28T06:04:00.001-07:00

American women tired of getting the short end of the stick, have been flocking to Longshuihu village in the Shuangqiao district of Chongqing in Beijing.

It's not the food, nor the beautiful surroundings that are drawing them to what is being hailed as the world's first "Womens Town", it's the power over men they find so appealing as well as the towns motto "women never make mistakes, and men can never refuse women's requests."

One female employee from New York who had become so disenchanted with her loud mouth demanding male boss was one of the first U.S. citizens to arrive in Women's Town.

"I don't have to take this shit anymore and I can kick ass any time I want if a man steps over his boundaries or gets out of line and feel really good about it because it's part of my new job description."

Women that have often been kept down a few rungs on the ladder to success are finding 'legal dominance' puts them smack dab at the top of the food chain.

"The fact that we're in control and can punish a man for not paying the right kind of attention to us, for making bad gift choices, or making lame comments to us, is really quite satisfying," said another woman who recently went through an upsetting divorce. "Even though we have such places in America where women dominate men like they do at the Moonlite Bunny Ranch in Nevada, there's more pleasure here because it does not always come down to sex, although that's not a bad thing because the sex is somehow more gratifying when you're getting what you need."

Many of the women making the long journey are fed up with the American mentality of 'doing it all' and find this new lifestyle quite appealing.

Another women in her early 40's said that she'd grown weary of the looks she's recently been getting from her male partner. Having not aged all that gracefully she found that daily life had begun to chip away at her self-esteem and she was ready for a positive change.

"If I frickin want to walk around in my moo-moo, a cigarette hanging out of my mouth and curlers in my hair without someone making some kind of snide comment, this is the place to do it because I can get immediate satisfaction by punishing the deed the moment their mouth opens."

It is expected that thousands of American women will make their exodus to Beijing in the next few months and that places like this will become more common place around the world.

Many are predicting that should we see a women take the President's spot, this trend will sustain rapid growth in a very short period of time.

Hog Heaven: Be Careful What You Wish For

2007-04-27T04:36:00.000-07:00

The smell of bacon sizzling on the stove these days may give consumers reason to pause after the government released information about what these hogs have been feeding on recently-recalled pet food that contains the chemical Melamine.

More than 6,000 hogs across the United States have been fed a steady diet of this tainted food since the re-call and some officals believe it has now bled over to several poultry farms as well.

"Our first clue that the chickens were becoming infected was when we discovered we couldn't break the shells on the eggs they were laying," said one farmer who agreed to take on the bad food in order to save a little money.

Melamine, used commonly for producing whiteboards, floor tiles, kitchenware, fire retardant fabrics, and commercial filters makes it the perfect chemical for industrial applications so it's no wonder many are asking the same question-why is it being put into pet food and why are they introducing it into the human food chain?

The recent recall has left most pet food isles at many markets nearly barren and many pet owners have resorted to making their own food. This has also had a major impact on senior citizens whose pensions and medicare benefits suffered major cuts.

An unidentified spokesman for one local manufacturer has tried to defend their position on why this additive seemed like a good idea at the time. He said it was done in hopes of making animals stronger and more durable.

"If it doesn't kill them, it can only make them stronger," he said.

But this information does not bode well with informed consumers.

"Are they fucking nuts" was a comment that rung out loudly across the nation.

The affects are already being seen across the U.S.

In California this week one unsuspecting family had to be hospitalized recently after experiencing unusual bowel movements.

"Last weekend our family had a pork loin roast for Sunday dinner," said the father who wished to remain anonymous. "It seemed to hit me the worst. Four hours after we finished eating I felt something odd happening in my stomach and went to the bathroom. Well, when I looked into the bowl afterwards I saw all these little brownish tupperware like containers floating around."

Little is know about the long term affects of injesting Melamine but one thing is certain, if you consume it on a regular basis you'll no longer have to fear stray rays from microwaves.

"That's the upside of this bizarre chemical scare," said an official from the Center Of Disease Oddities. "Someone could actually put you in a microwave and it won't hurt you because you will develop a tolerance for high heat very quickly."

Drug Makers Find New Niche

2007-04-26T06:07:00.000-07:00

If Fido is wagging his tail to the left these days you might want to sit down and have a talk with him or at the very least schedule a visit to your local pet therapist.

Researchers recently released the results of a study that show dogs are as affected as humans when it comes to things that disturb or displease them.

"It shows there is truly an animal-human link where emotions are involved," said one researcher. "A dog wags his tail to the left when it's apprehensive about what it sees, much like a mans penis, which when put into an uncomfortable situation will usually shrink up into the body cavity much like a frightened turtle."

The comparison further proves that when put into a pleasant situation such as having your belly rubbed, or running around with a beautiful bitch, the tail shifts towards the right side much like a man's penis does when he is so moved by something it will harden and stand at attention, he added.

Working on the theory of 'what's good for the goose is good for the gander' one drug company who already mass produces anti-depressants for humans has found a new cash-cow and has begun mass producing Prozac for dogs of all shapes and sizes.

The beef-flavored chewable tablet will be called 'Reconcile' and promises to move your dog through any emotional crisis.

"We decided to release this new product now to seize the moment so to speak," said a representative from the firm. "Timing is everything and because of recent pet food recalls we know that many animals are honing in on their owners anxiety when it comes to meal time. Taking advantage of a consumer who will spent enormous amounts of money on keeping their pet healthy is a sure thing for us and we expect to make millions on this."

PSA (Not for pay)

2007-04-25T17:02:00.000-07:00

Every day a child goes missing.

Do your part and sign up for Free Wireless Amber Alerts Sent Directly To Your Cell Phone. Maybe you could save a childs life.

Planet May Become Inhabitable

2007-04-25T04:49:00.000-07:00

Scientists revealed this week that they've discovered an orb in the solar system that was at one time a perfectly funtioning planet with more than 6.5 million inhabitants.

"The photo's from our satalite show that there are water sources and signs of nature such as trees but it appears that excessive weather, global warming and a certain global economic gluttony has taken its toll on this mid sized planet," said one researcher. "We're spending more and more of our efforts trying to determine whether or not we can make it environmentally friendly again."

Researchers have spent millions of dollars and hours over the last few decades trying to determin how the onset of destruction occured and how it will affect the planet over the next several decades.

According to reports, there was a time when the ozone layer completely sealed the environment, somewhat like when you zip up a baggie to keep things fresh.

They say that the onset of certain gases that poison the air is the result of industry and technology, which was quickly advanced after the discovery of the wheel. This single factor has changed nearly every aspect of possible life on the planet.

It is believed that the dicovery of automobiles not only changed the surface appearance of the planet, it created much of the mental illnesses that caused the human demise.

"We think people just drove themselves crazy, literally until they just couldn't take it anymore," said a researcher in California. "As new vehicles were created, getting larger and larger, the whole planet became a gridlock and industry had a hard time keeping up with the demand for resources such as oil."

New research is expected to be released next year and will determin whether or not the planets atmosphere will improve after governmental changes take place.

Pot Raids Continue To Baffle Culinary Experts

2007-04-24T09:29:00.000-07:00

Local police have been stirring the pot so to speak over the past month in and around Los Angeles.

Dozens of raids perpetrated by law enforcement have netted thousands of seedlings whose street value is estimated upwards in the millions of dollars.

"This is just something that we can no longer tolerate," said one city official. "We feel that it's only a matter of time before these illegal growers will step up to the plate and turn over a piece of their profit, however, until such time, we will continue to bust them."

Many chef's around town feel this is unfair. The consensus is that the government has no say in how or when they grown their own pot.

"It takes eons for these tiny little aluminum or steel seedlings to take root and we have no other option except to grow them inside near the kitchen where we can monitor and care for them," said one chef who was irate because it has forced him and many other local cooks to stir fry everything in old woks. "It's not our fault that China has had a glutton fest on all our steel resources. We feel we've been forced underground to the point where we must conduct our business in a covert manor."

According to statistics, it takes a little over nine months for a seed to mature into a full grown pot. The process is extremely tedious, especially for those particular pots that must undergo a copper graft on the bottom to protect the contents from excessive heat, according to one source.

Union officials say they are in talks with many of their culinary members who are ready to dish up their own heat until police back off and the city stands down.

Restaurant patrons are also feeling the brunt of the pot raids. They say that no matter what they order, if it's cooked in a wok it tastes like Chinese food regardless of whether it's a steak or a loin chop.

"I feel I'm being pressured to feed myself using chop sticks in order not to offend the chef," said one customer who at last resorted to the children's chopsticks which are easier to use. "I can only hope that the government will see fit to leave these pot growers alone so we can eat in peace."

Saturday Update

2007-04-21T21:33:00.000-07:00

For any of you following my backyard project, you can see what I've been up to over the past week in the right hand side bar in the second photoshow. It's been backbreaking but well worth the work. The furniture is ready to be picked up and the fountain got installed today even though it is the wrong color. They will be back to add the right color next week.

Gas Prices Continue To Rise

2007-04-20T11:33:00.000-07:00

Gasoline prices have been steadily increasing over the past year.

With only a few weeks showing inconsistant reductions only to be followed by skyrocketing increases, consumers are begining to look to alternative transportation.

One company who would not disclose their identity said they are seeing a substantial drop in regular customers due to these increases and are laying the blame on what many refer to as a glutonous economy under the current administration.

Theft Blamed On Feeling Shitty

2007-04-18T19:54:00.001-07:00

In Florida earlier this week a 61-year-old woman claimed that her irritable bowel ailment caused her to shoplift from a local grocery store.

She told police that she felt like shit and could not wait in line.

Authorities said that while the woman did not resist arrest she did keep deputies at bay for a period of of at least five minutes outside the market while she expelled an odd colorless gas.

She was arrested and released after posting $500 bail.

Fat Is Not Phat Anymore

2007-04-17T10:48:00.000-07:00

With so many people suffering ailments such as diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease and respiratory related illnesses due to obesity, it seems rather unfathomable that certain cultures would choose massive weight gains as a symbol of beauty, health and wealth.

For centuries in Mauritania, women have been force fed camels milk and high caloric foods from an early age in hopes that they will be fat enough to be worthy of a good husband and recognizable status.

One man, whose 200 pound wife began walking to try to shed some pounds, was quoted as saying that "if she did lose the weight he would divorce her".

But government officials, now seeing the devastating results associated with obesity, are growing concerned and have launched a campaign through television and radio to entice more and more women to become slimmer.

"Music and lyrics have always described the ideal woman as fat so we are asking songwriters to help us reverse this by writing lyrics to promote better eating habits and shedding pounds," said one official.

One lyricists so far has come up with a rather catchy tune that the government has said will launch the campaign early next month.

The song goes like this:

Get your fat ass off the couch
My beautiful one
Get your ass to the gym
And yes...have some fun

Your clothes they are splitting
Each time you bend down
On my face you will now see
The hint of a frown

Your skin as it hangs
Under the light of the moon
Makes my balls curl right up
Like a tiny cocoon

The jiggle in your belly
I once thought so cute
Makes me quiver in fear
And eventually puke

So keep your lips tight
As the food passes by
Curl and crunch
And work on your thighs

Do a few lunges
And feel muscles burn
For all of this work
My love you will earn

I will buy you tight clothes
And jewels you can don
I will love you much more
When your flubber is gone

I will buy you a castle
This much you should know
I will love you forever
But your fat has to go

Canada Should Take Mass Murder As A Clue

2007-04-17T10:40:00.000-07:00

UPDATE: Yesterdays mass killing spree on a school campus is a prime example of why guns cannot be tolerated on any school campus no matter how good the counselling department is.

VIRGINIA TECH shooter, Cho Seung-Hui, 23, a senior from South Korea apparently chose not to continue his prescribed counselling sessions.

Counsellors Urged To Support Weapons Bearers

2007-04-15T07:05:00.000-07:00

New research finds that children who bring weapons to school need counseling not expulsion.

The study shows that too many students are being sent home or kicked out of school due to the fact that they cannot fight the urge to bring their guns, knives or other weapons to school to prove just how 'bad' they are.

Canadian officials admit that the Ontario Safe Schools Act is not working as expected because they're losing way too much funding. For every day a student is absent the school loses between $30 - $50.

"It's a shame to expell these kids just because they've got a gun tucked into the waistband of their pants," said one official. "If they feel they need this kind of security while on campus, then we say 'why the hell not let everyone bring a gun to school' then at least the playing field will be even."

Citing that this law, under the guise of 'Zero Tolerence', seems to specifically target minorities, school officials are now demanding that the goverment should mind it's own business when it comes to matters that concern educating the children of Canada, according to the Ontario Human Rights Commission.

Their plan, which some feel may just work, is to provide every non-minority student with a weapon of similar power to the Latino, Black, or otherwise 'not white' students, as a means to "intercede in the interest of peace" between racial divides.

"Zero tolerance just doesn't work," said a spokesman for the education department. "We've decided to take matters into our own hands and spend the money we would otherwise lose by a students absence on bullet proof vests for all teachers, counselors and other school staff."

The new plan includes spending an enormous amount of money on training school employees in the art of negotiating a weapons standoff between students or faculty using the same methods the local police use. They will also be trained in hand-to-hand combat when students decide that they will only use their weapons as a last resort if they cannot work things out in a bloody brawl on campus.

Robber Didn't Have Leg To Stand On

2007-04-10T08:17:00.000-07:00

Gregory Daniels, 48, was arrested earlier today after robbing a market in Pomona.

Police say he and an accomplice pulled the stores ATM out of the floor using a chain and their pick up truck. A witness called police who later found the truck, which had taken a wrong turn and ended up on a dead end street.

Police responding to the location were cautioned not to laugh when they found him lying beside the truck, his prosthetic leg on the ground next to him.

A spokesman for the police department said the accomplice was still on the loose but they did issue this statement.

"Daniels went out on a limb but, when all was said and done, he didn't have a leg to stand on."

Just A Teaser...

2007-03-21T10:36:00.000-07:00

Well it may not be live video but here's just a taste of who you will be seeing live sometime in the future! Don't forget to come visit my new advice site Dr. J On Life.

Somethings Burning...

2007-03-19T18:56:00.000-07:00

...and I think it's my brain.

I have decided rather than abandoning all blogging that I would try something new, even if it's just for a moment.

Come see what's up and ask me whatever you want to know about life.

Hope to see you there!

Dr. J On Life

The Not So Funny News

2007-02-18T15:12:00.000-08:00

I'm sure many of you are wondering what is going on with my site since I have had a severe lack of posts in the past month or so. I guess I'm just suffering from humor deprivation or something. Can't quite put my finger on it but maybe it's time to switch formats as I had planned on some time ago.

I am currently learning how to edit live footage on my computer because I would like to begin a series of live broadcasts. Perhaps this has zapped my quick wit at crazy news or I've just gotten completely lazy, your guess is as good as mine at this point. I have so many half finished stories in my draft cache that it is mind boggling why I can't just commit to finishing one or two. Burn out.. maybe or a change is coming! Guess you'll all have to stay tuned to find out what happens in this continuing saga of blogitis.

So, instead I will plug my hubby's new album that will be released at the end of the month. "White Sand" has a great supply of guest artists such as Al Jareau and Bobby Caldwell. If anyone who lives in LA or in the vicinity of Long Beach is interested, the record release party will be on March 1 at The Vault in Long Beach. It will be a great party so come on out.

Happy Valentines Day, Daddy!

2007-02-14T07:00:00.000-08:00

After a 15 month search, three out of several siblings looking for their father finally know who donor 150 is.

Jeffrey Harrison of Venice California has come forward this Valentines Day to end his biological children's curiosity so they could see first hand who he is.

So far as he can tell he has children in New York, Colorado, Florida, New York, Los Angeles and Pennsylvania, and he expects that several others will be revealed soon.

In the 80's, Harrison became a twice-weekly sperm donor at California Cryobank. It was, at the time, an easy way to supplement his income earning him an extra $400 a month while providing the means for women to finally have the chance to become mothers.

So far, according to reports, he has met three of them or has at least spoken to them on the phone, and he expects others to come looking for him.

When asked what the first thing he said to them was, he simply replied, "Hey Squirt."

Virus Affecting Millions

2007-02-11T07:12:00.000-08:00

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.

The virus, commonly known as 'Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer' or more simply put, 'WORK', has been said to infect people world wide.

If you are the unlucky recipient of 'WORK' from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means--DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, virus control experts suggest you take two good friends to the nearest grocery store where you can purchase the antidote known as 'Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract' (WINE) or 'Bothersome-Employer- Elimination-Rebooter' (BEER). The suggested dosage is to take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

Alli Fights Fat

2007-02-10T08:07:00.000-08:00

Hoping to light the fire under the ass of obesity and to increase idiotic drug sales, the FDA has approved a new nonprescription diet pill.

The fat-blocking weight-loss pill is expected to fly off the shelves, but many experts warn that consumers would benefit more by spending the money on a gym membership or personal trainer.

"Many people will be discouraged when they take the pill home and really take a good look at the medical insert that states that without diet and exercise they will not likely loose weight," said one expert in weight loss. "What they should be putting out there are inexpensive memberships to health clubs rather than filling people will false hope that the pounds will just melt away by popping a pill."

For those putting their trust in these drugs, officials say that users should be cautious because when you block fat from being absorbed into your stomach, you are likely going to crap your brains out or experience some kind of gastrointestinal problems.

One researcher who opposes the FDA's approval of this pill said if a good crap is all you need to lose weight then he suggests finding a local Mexican restaurant within walking distance and enjoying a good bowl of refried beans rather than taking a chance on developing pre-cancerous lesion on your colon.

"This we know is a proven fact and the only side affect may be a little sweating during discharge quickly followed by a sense of colonic relief," he said. "Let's face it, when those beans take affect about halfway home you're going to burn a lot more calories running the rest of the way back."

Farming Ends In California

2007-02-09T22:01:00.000-08:00

California is taking drastic steps to prevent another E. coli outbreak caused by locally grown spinach and lettuce by banning farming in the state.

"The State feel it's time to make the move because come Valentines Day we will also likely be accused of getting people knocked up due to the ingestion of locally grown chocolate covered strawberries," said an official. "It's always something!"

State lawmakers have been tossing around several options to offer farmers who, themselves, are fed up with the agricultural restrictions put upon them since the death of three people last year and the sickening of nearly 200 others across the nation who had eaten some of the tainted produce.

"We want to give them an easy out and feel that by offering them job training in other fields so to speak, we will serve not only those looking for a change but will save the state from any more embarrassing moments," the official said.

Instead of digging around in the dirt many farmers are choosing one of the most interesting options being offered that will have others 'digging them while being dirty'. In a first ever agreement, one of the largest all male performance companies, Ship N' Nails have agreed to hire and train more than 1,000 farmers to join their team as part of their global expansion plan.

Although many who chose this new path over option B, to enlist or re-enlist in the service and be on the governments tab, or option C, to become campaigne workers during the upcoming 2008 elections, most say they are not all that worried that the bulk of their day will be spent showing off their zucchini and brussel spouts to screaming sweating patrons.

"For the most part it will be difficult taking a cut in pay but I hope to make up for that in tips," said one farmer who feels that his years of toiling in the dirt have kept him in pretty good shape.

As to health regulations, those participating in this innovative new career choice said they are well versed in health inspectors hanging around constantly because their crops were always being fouled by wild pigs or fat cows so being tested for bodily bacteria will be a walk in the park.

"For once in my life I can honestly say I am looking forward to a new breed of wild pigs."

Stress Can Alter Lifestyle

2007-02-08T09:27:00.000-08:00

A newly released study says that stress is not the problem--it's how we handle it.

For millions of people the solution is easy thanks to so many generous pill pushing doctors, but for those willing to suffer through the long haul medication free there are definite steps you can take to avoid going over the edge.

The study suggests that having lots and lots of money can eliminate most peoples problems, even when those stressors involve children. It also suggests that 'having' children is not the problem, it's having children for the rest of your lives that really screws you up.

"Pregnancy is often the most joyous time in a new families life but when the realization finally hits that they will be yours until the day you die the stress begins to build," said one researcher. "Anyone who is prone to stress should do as the drug companies say..take two aspirins and keep away from children."

Another suggestion is move to warmer climates so that you will not be stuck inside your house 24/7 with your family members.

"Unless you have the patience of a saint or a separate wing for unruly tots it is best to live somewhere where you can banish them to the outdoors until they look hungry enough to kill, then you can let them back inside."

It also suggests that colder climates trigger stress because of unexpected financial burdens forced on the general public by ever increasing heating and oil bills. Many people manage to save a little extra for a rainy day but most of the time it is absorbed as quickly as it is saved by these ever increasing costs of living.

One of the most important aspects associated with stress is loneliness. If you are not getting any, many people turn to self satisfaction however, if you are not good at this there is the definite possibility that you can inadvertently alienate your own damn self leaving you with no other course but to go out seeking sexual satisfaction with no strings attached.

Many experts say there are a multitude of ways in which you can eliminate or avoid stress:

1. Hoard your money until you are so stinking rich no bill will affect your daily routine.
2. Exercise or if you are stinking rich, have someone else do it for you.
3. Avoid stressors like children, both yours or other peoples.
4. Quit your mundane boring job.
5. Never look too closely in the mirror until after showering or better yet, have all mirrors removed from your dwelling.
6. Have sex on a regular basis, preferably with a partner.

To see just what stress can do to you, upload a photo and take the age-o-matic test here:

Stress Test

WTF Is With This Writers Block?

2007-02-07T12:43:00.000-08:00

Well, here it is Wednesday and not a post as it should be. I guess for the first time in many years I've gotten a case of writers block. YIKES!!!

It doesn't happen often but when it does it brings to mind that we are all just humans, flawed, warted and sometimes so tied up in life that we leave little or no room for our creative sides.

I've saved a spot for everyday I haven't posted with some pretty good story ideas, but each time I started to write something my mind wandered about so I just walked away from the computer and did something else. Ah...the mind of the ADD adult. I had thought writing about what the Pope said, that killing someone, putting them down mercifully to end an otherwise hopeless painfilled life was wrong and I had to ask myself if each time I put someone down, was it another step towards hell? Mmmmm? And then I read something about children having their stomachs sewn shut to help them lose weight and I had to wonder whether or not the parents of these obese kids should have just installed a lock on the kitchen door instead of putting these tykes through such major surgery.

And then I read the story about the super horny female butterflies and I had to ask myself whether or not I could emulate them during these menopausal years just to disprove the fact that missing hormones are not to blame for what many females experience as a dissipating desire to satisfy themselves and their mates. Are they truly not horny or are they just to tired for sex having picked up after everyone all day, every day?

All thoughts to ponder yes, but inspirational...I guess not, at least for me.

I've visited many blogs during this time and it is my understanding that many people who have been blogging for a long time are now hitting the wall so to speak. Some have even considered quitting, but, we all know that no matter what, these blogs are our lifeline to the outside world. We rant, we rave, we make up a lot of shit and some of you, you know who you are, actually offer some great services or advice.

Every day that I have gone to my blog in the past few weeks I've been getting the itch to hit the button I've been avoiding forever...the 'switch to new blogger' button that keeps informing me that they are ready and patiently waiting for me to just press the frigging button. I've had the urge but I just can't quite push it. What am I afraid of? Damned if I know, but I keep getting this odd feeling that when I do eventually take the leap of faith, my entire blog will go out into cyberspace and be gone. I know this is foolish because I see many of you have switched and your blogs look similar but changed. Perhaps I need your input to reassure me that all will not be lost and that I'm just being a big fat baby about this. My blog is certainly not brain surgery but still, I would hate to lose everything I've put into it.

Well, that said, I guess I'll go do some laundry or play with the pup some more or paint my son's room or build that fence out back or...

Sunday Humor

2007-02-04T07:52:00.000-08:00

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here, have this." he said to the statue, "I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a Damned thing."

Bush Announces New War Funding Strategy

2007-02-03T09:24:00.000-08:00

In an attempt to divert attention away from the extreme burden of funding a war everyone is sick of, President Bush is putting his focus on Social Security and Medicare.

Because people are now defying the laws of longevity the Bush administration has decided to eliminate the coverage of certain drugs and health coverage in order to put some kind of cap on life spans.

A spokesman for the White House said that even though drug companies are making consumers take it up the ass by having to, on a regular basis, come up with inexhaustible amounts of money each month to feed their prescribed drug habits, they are tired of hearing billions of complaints.

"We feel that by banning certain drugs we will increase the natural attrition rate and we'll have to listen to fewer and fewer complainers," he said. "If people want to live through these extended years, they should be willing to pay the price without all the sniveling and be ready to sacrifice their drug money for war in a far away land where no one can really see how the money is being spent."

Americans however feel this is just not right. They are tired of paying for a war that will never end and of the countless lives it is costing the U.S. every day.

One anti-war activist who is using Bush's own words against him in his campaign to end Americas fruitless effort to calm a country that does not want to be calmed said that keeping America safe against extremists should include Bush as the number one candidate of extremity.

"Bush is about to ask for another $100 billion for military and diplomatic operations in Iraq and Afghanistan this year and another $145 next year. Imagine how many problems that could solve right here at home," he said. "We could supply everyone with all the meds they need. We could house the homeless and make sure that everyone has healthcare when they need it instead of making them wait until they are too sick to cure before they seek medical attention."

In cutting nearly $70 billion from Medicare and Social Security benefits, the current administration is hoping to stockpile enough money by 2012 to fund whatever war needs to be fought then.

Buff Takes On New Meaning At Gym

2007-02-01T09:45:00.000-08:00

With all the new trends being touted by fitness experts, some feel that it's become an 'anything goes' attitude in hopes of motivating people to really get into shape.

In Amsterdam, the owner of one fitness center has come up with Naked Sunday to entice more folks into the gym.

Although many clients were on board with the idea, others were a little leary and said that it may backfire because people will be too embarrassed to bare all, especially in some of the positions that are involved in strenuous workouts.

"This will definitely inspire me to lose weight and get in shape but I'll have to avoid the gym for a while and start working out at home before I participate in a naked workout," said one woman who has struggled all her life to lose the excess weight on her butt. "I can hardly stand to look at my naked body in my own mirror let alone have everyone judge me while I contort my fat ass around some of this equipment.

The issue of cleanliness has also factored in on many peoples decision to find an alternative place to work out.

One woman who spoke to reporters had only this to say, "YUCK!" She did add that although she likes many of the people she works out with, the idea of sitting on equipment that has just had someone's bare ass on it is repulsive to her.

Naked exercisers will be requested to place a towel on seats and disposable seat covers on bikes before they work out but for many who have seen some of these people sweat through their clothes it will not be enough to keep them coming back.

Hiatus Is Finally Over

2007-01-31T13:52:00.000-08:00

To all my dear blog friends new and old,

It has been a difficult time for me this past month. Lots of losses to deal with but I'm feeling better now in part because of the new puppy we acquired. He's keeping me on my toes and helping me see all the funny things that for the past several weeks have been eluding me.

I will be posting again as of February 1. Hopefully you will come back and visit.

Thank you all for your kind comments, e-mails and prayers during this time. It makes me realize just how lucky I am to have forged some of these new friendships sight unseen.

Hope you have all been well and kicking ass!

JB

Man Of The Year Awards

2007-01-28T17:16:00.000-08:00

Here are the three distinguished finalists all hoping to capture the illustrious title of "Man Of The Year".

If you're so inclined to vote for one do so in the comments section. Every vote counts!

Sunday Humor...

2007-01-21T11:50:00.000-08:00

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry he sat down and looked over the menu...

Broiled Missionary: $10.00
Fried Explorer: $15.00
Baked Politician: $10,000.

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?"

The cook replied "Have you ever tried to clean one?"

The Newest Member Of The Family!

2007-01-17T16:36:00.000-08:00

"Miles" is 9 weeks old and has decided that he would make a fine replacement for our poor Charlie who went to spend time with my dad in heaven or hell (depending on which rumors you'd like to believe).

He is just a sweetheart, good natured and has so far only crapped in the house twice.

Must See Video

2007-01-16T20:11:00.000-08:00

Okay my blogger friends, this is big news. On January 1 my dad died. On January 11 my dog had to be put to sleep and today my beta fish died. I guess that makes us all safe if it's true that bad luck comes in 3's. I've been teary eyed for the last two weeks but tonight when I was sitting in front of my computer trying to think of something funny to write I came across this video and I started to howl. Thank God for these wonderful creatures!

Just hit the play button and if you don't laugh, shame on you!

Some States Use Visual Aid To Stop Driving Distraction

2007-01-15T06:05:00.000-08:00

For many commuters, conducting business while en route to work has become a way of life, but officials in various cities across the United States are trying to get the message across that dialing and driving can be bad for your health.

Coroners have reported that they have seen an increase of fatal accident victims on their tables whose cellular devises have become embedded in the hands of disassociated drivers.

The new signs are being posted as fast as they can be produced as part of a driving safety campaign but some officials are worried that the signs themselves will increase safety hazards as people strain to read them as they clip along the highway.

On The Wings Of An Angel...

2007-01-01T18:13:00.000-08:00

May 22, 1933 - January 1, 2007

Rest In Peace Dad

I love you and will forever miss you!
Your little treasure.

Gone Fishing!

2006-12-26T17:28:00.001-08:00

This is not an automatic message.

My top 10 escape reasons:

1. Life
2. Technology
3. My Pissing Dog
4. My anti-social Beta fish
5. Taking down my Christmas Tree
6. Cleaning house
7. Thinking
8. Cleaning up after the huge wind storm we had
9. So I can procrastinate
10. To think about what I will change in my life in the New Year.

My new motto for the next 365 days is:

"Look at things differently, and you will see them differently"

Hope you all have a wonderful, safe, prosperous, unconfusing and spectacular new year ahead of you!

Your chore is to leave the top 5 things you will change, undo, redo, update, get rid of, add to your life this year.

Best to all my friends out there,
Jacqui

An Ode To The Past

2006-12-25T05:22:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you have to remember the past to see where you've come from just in case you've lost your bookmark. [ Photo circa 1958.]

CHRISTMAS WITHOUT YOU...

Each time I look at the lights on my tree
And photos of days gone by
I would be remiss if I didn't say
Sometimes...yes...it makes me cry

In a tiny town, a dot on the map
We took our first footsteps
We took our first naps

We sat starry eyed
As the holidays began
We jumped and we yelled
We frolicked and ran

After waiting all night for that old boy Saint Nick
To shimmy down the chimney so fat and so thick
To empty his bag, leaving hearts on high
Oh, you want to bet
There was magic in our eyes.

I see little girls curled up
All snuggly and warm
Clutching little black patent purses
Filled stockings and more!

If I close my eyes I can picture
Girls sniggling in a pack
Telling stories of their adventures
With mom serving homemade snacks.

May you always look back
From where you have come
From the loins of the woman
We love to call Mum

We grew a few larger
Somewhere along the way
There were more at the table
With much more to say

It was destined to be
As love filled her heart
She would be a new woman
And get a fresh start

Her strength is apparent
In each she has raised
With the help of her lover
Our dad of many days

Each year that passes
Time quickly slides
A wrinkle, a stretch mark
A butt grown too wide

Our clothes feel much smaller
Our children have grown fine
When did all this happen you wonder?

Well...
In the blink of an eye!

But it's moments like this
We can all reflect on
Where we've gone
Who we've become
Where we're going
And what's to come.

We've grown in so many ways
But those hearts remain a child's
The anticipation of friends
Or calls from across the miles

And though my door opens often
And friends begin to call
It's those I was weaned away from
I miss the most of all.

My gift for you this Christmas
Is filled with all my love
To wish you all your dreams come true
And to always rise above

May your stocking be crammed full
With all that lies ahead
May your dreams leave you filled
As you snuggle into bed

To your health and your home
To the blessings you've known
To the knowledge you're shared
To know that you have cared

It's the path to this place
Our souls can find peace
The journey, the detours
The joys that never cease

Though life's not always easy
Sometimes too hard to grasp
There's always this to hold on to
Never let go of the past

My love for you runs deep
Of this you should always know
So take a moment for me this holiday
To make an angel in the snow.

...And to my father and friend
For whom my love is abundant
You are forever etched in my heart
To say more would be redundant

Merry Christmas!

Ode To Christmas Eve

2006-12-24T05:49:00.000-08:00

'Twas the morning fore Christmas, and it' quiet as hell
The children are still sleeping as if in a spell

The tree is a glitter where the dog has just peed
I guess he still wonders why the living room has a tree

The boy who used to dream of toys he could test
Has turned his Christmas list to technology at its best

And the girl who loved Barbie and skirts that would spin
Now wants an Escalade, good Lord...Ain't that a sin

These items are pricey no doubt this is true
If I had my way the shopping would be through

But I'll be off once again to the mall like the rest
Because there's more to be bought, oh be still my heart...it's shopping I detest

Will they like this or like that, I'm never quite sure
A pair of slippers or shoes, a sweater trimmed with some fur

The list seems so endless, my mind is agog
Maybe I'll switch from coffee this morning to tequila spiked nog

They say there's a Christmas spirit that hovers around tightly
I think I should know this since I imbibe in it nightly

Oh where is my wallet, where are my keys
The lure of the sales fills my heart with unease

Will I spent way too much as I do every year
Will I beg for forgiveness when the bills come...I fear

I'm bowing to the pressure of not having enough
To appease all the needs of the kids who want stuff

I guess I should go join the others in line
To see where the bargains are during this Christmas time

For those, who like me, have been given this chore
I wish you happy shopping, Merry Christmas, and more!

MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIENDS,
JACQUI

Strike A Match This Season

2006-12-23T07:53:00.000-08:00

Help brighten the season around the world by Lighting A Candle For Life

Reading, Writing...And Sexual Harassment?

2006-12-22T18:29:00.001-08:00

More than two dozen kindergarten children were suspended for sexual offences during the last school year in Maryland, according to reports.

"At the tender age of five, many of these offenders spend countless hours thinking of who, when and where they will hit on their next mark," said one school official who asked only to be identified as A. Nal.

Officials say this butt-pinching type of sexual harassment at such an early age may very well lead to a life of serious consequences, especially boys whose athletic abilities may lead them to a professional sports career where public touching is not uncommon.

"We want to nip this kind of dysfunction in the butt before it leads to more serious actions like patting a fellow student on the back or giving someone an unwelcome hug."

Health Crisis Affecting Air Travel

2006-12-21T07:59:00.000-08:00

A Spanish speaking women was recently detained at Los Angeles International Airport this week after sending her one-month-old grandson through the X-Ray machine at a security checkpoint.

Airport officials say this is not uncommon due to the rising health costs and lack of free clinics in the City Of Angels.

"After questioning the woman, we determined that she was fed up with her grandsons crying and she took matters into her own hands after being turned away from several medical facilities due to her having no health insurance."

Doctors at a local hospital where the baby was transfered said the boy was suffering from colic and offered to treat the child for free.

Officials from the California Health department were unavailable for comment.

Sexual Overdrive Ends Marriage

2006-12-20T07:36:00.000-08:00

A 29-year-old London man was awarded $5.89 million dollars for having extramarital affairs.

The man claims that after falling from where he was perched while working for a bike shop, he hit his head and his penis suddenly hardened forcing him to lose control of his faculties. He claims that he can no longer be satisfied with a monogamous relationship and has had to turn to pornography and prostitutes to find satisfaction.

The judge who ordered the settlement said that his injury was in fact the reason his four year marriage fell apart and he should be compensated for his undue suffering.

"This man will have a hard life ahead of him," the judge said. "Based on the amount of sex he will need to try to heal his injury the court feels that he will need a substantial financial cache."

News of this unprecedented settlement has spread rapidly around the world and men have been seen senselessly falling down everywhere.

Hospital officials say they have seen an increase in severe head injuries but report that few are wreaking the benefits of an increase in sexual desire.

"We can only say that, for many men whose brains are located between their legs, the better and safer bet would be to run into the edge of a table."

Lethal Injection Too Much For Criminals

2006-12-19T17:11:00.000-08:00

Both California and Florida Justice departments recently suspended the use of lethal injections to end the lives of convicted felons on death row.

Officials in both states met earlier this week hoping to work out a new system that would cause less suffering by those inmates facing the death penalty.

This falls on the heels of the recently botched execution of Angel Diaz who was executed in Florida last Wednesday for the 1979 murder of a Miami strip club manager. The inmate apparently suffered needless pain in part due to the high tolerance level to lethal drugs that he acquired during his time in prison. Officials were forced to administer a second dose to finish him off.

A spokesman for the consortium, which included Supreme Court Justices, leaders from the American Lawyers Association and an environmental group, said they have come up with a solution that will inevitably solve the problem.

"Inmates will be put to death by Lethal Ingestion," he said. "Every convict on death row will be fed meals from Taco Bell, The Olive Garden and will be forced to consume three portions a day of California grown lettuce and green onions in amounts large enough to eventually kill them."

The new bill is expected to pass hands down when congress reconvenes in January.

Wood May Be The Gift Of All Time

2006-12-18T06:13:00.000-08:00

If you're a woman looking for a gift that stands out this year try giving that special man wood this Christmas.

Scientists have found a way to give that special man in your life a little boost in the booty department by changing the structure of DNA so that erectile function is achievable and long lasting.

In a small pilot study, airline captains, co-pilots and even a few navigators were used as test subjects. Many of the participants were able to record the exact effects of the genetic alteration while filling countless hours in the air on auto-pilot.

Passengers on selected flights also participated by noting the demeanor of the pilots as they milled about the cabin welcoming them on board. Some findings lead researchers to the realization that they would need to play with the dosage as walking around among total strangers with a boner could lead to serious legal action.

Whether the effect is in reality a real change in the genetic makeup or just a trick of the brain, researchers say that one shot can last up to 24 weeks and leave your man feeling like a stud muffin.

The injection, which they say is the only part that causes any pain, can be injected while a patient is awake or asleep.

"We know that men are less likely to use this approach themselves because anything that comes near a mans penis usually needs to be soft and warm and a hypodermic needle anywhere in the vicinity of a mans sexual organ can be intensely frightening," one researcher said. "Our consumer target is the female partner of men suffering from a slowpoke penis because they have ample opportunities to strike when the iron is not hot so to speak."

Airline officials say that if this pilot program continues to work out, they will offer it as a hiring incentive.

"We want our pilots to be happy because when they're happy there are less turbulents in the air and on the ground."

Sundays Chuckle

2006-12-17T07:55:00.000-08:00

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it, so he decided to ask his shrink what to do.

"Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him," the shrink said, "If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.

"I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop.

Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree.

Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.

When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"

Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the son of a bitch"

Game System Is Shocking For Consumers

2006-12-16T05:13:00.000-08:00

In light of the success of new high-tech game systems that have captured the attention of both young and old consumers, the U.S. Department of Justice is ready to jump into the highly competitive multimillion dollar industry with a video game system and game they feel will capture America's heart.

KMA 10/4, which stands for 'Kick My Ass OK', was designed to alleviate the fear that has been generated recently after tapes of police beatings and tazer incidents were released to the public.

"We want residents throughout the country to know how to avoid situations that will lead to peril in confrontations with real life police officers ," said a spokesman for the design team. "The beauty of the game though is that if a player cannot pull themselves out of one of these bad situations they will have a chance to at least play fair by having their own weapon to defend themselves and learn new ways of beating their opponent."

The game appropriately called "Beat The Heat", which designers say is loosely based around captured video from police patrol cars, security cameras and a variety of other captured confrontational footage, allows players the opportunity to reek their own revenge on over zealous police officers who lose all control over their sensibilities and act like every day criminals.

Much like Nintendo's@ hot new WII system, which allows players to feel entirely empowered to be part of the action with the hand held controllers that puts gamers dead center into the action, 'Beat The Heat' will be released with a wireless controller that looks like and has the same exact feel of state issued tazer guns.

"The design is such that if a player fails to negotiate a direct hit on the opponent and instead becomes the recipient of a well placed shot, the system sends a message to the retaliation sensor and it shoots an electrical charge at whoever is holding the controller," the designer said. "We've taken into consideration the time it takes to recover from a tazer strike and have programmed the system to pause itself until the players is upright again."

Manufacturers warn that this system is not for everyone.

"This is the real shit and we caution anyone with heart related medical conditions not to participate in any gaming with this system, especially those who wear pacemakers--that could get pretty ugly."

A spokesman for the Justice department said the game serves two purposes, one of which aids those whose real criminal activity has pitted them against police officers again and again to gain a better knowledge of how to react, avoid or take control of a real life confrontation with law enforcement. He said the second reason they developed this particular game is due to the fact that the number of people choosing to go into law enforcement has dwindled over the years and they feel this is likely to become a crucial recruiting tool for police academies across the nation.

"There comes a time when every one of us wants a chance to beat the crap out of someone or something sometime in our life, whether it's in fun or in the line of duty, and this is the perfect solution because the only one it really hurts is the players themselves."

The system is set to be released throughout selected U.S. states in limited quantities later this week in order to capture the highest consumer market and will be released globally in early 2007.

Guns For The Blind

2006-12-15T19:00:00.000-08:00

What do blind folks and politicians have in common? A case of the blind leading the blind is what many officials are saying.

Lawmakers in Texas are hoping to pass a bill allowing non-sighted people to go off into the woods with guns to hunt like sighted people.

One big supporter of the proposed legislation is Vice President Dick Chaney who says this will allow him to have a distinct advantage on the playing field.

While many folks are split on this bill, half of which who can see the point and the other half who can't, officials in Texas say that it is already becoming a boon for their employment industry.

"We've hired nearly 1,400 new employees whose specific skills include speech and cognitive therapy," said a spokesman of the Better Business bureau. "They've been deployed out in the field and are currently coaching all the various animals to give these blind hunters subtle clues to their location including calling out 'Over Here' and 'Marco'."

Hints To Ward Off Holiday Stress

2006-12-14T06:18:00.000-08:00

Therapists and other mental health workers are preparing for the onslaught of new clients as the holiday season draws closer to being over.

"We get a lot of calls this time of the year from people feeling guilty about spending too much, not spending enough as well as those who wonder why they are spending anything at all," said one Los Angeles analyst whose client list always doubles during the month of December.

Trying to stave off the flood of phone calls from those who become overwhelmed by the holiday season madness, LA County Mental Health officials released new guidelines for releasing stress.

The new brochure, "A Healthy Level Of Insanity", is available at various government offices around the county and includes tips for home, office or where ever you might be when a crisis occurs.

The following are some helpful things to do when you feel the bile of anxiety rise in your throat:

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom without disguising your voice.

3. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In."

4. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat.

5. Specify that your drive-through order is "To Go."

6. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

7. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, 'Rock Bottom'.

8. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I Won!, I Won!"

9. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we're going to have to let one of you go."

10. Acquire a taste for Prozac.

Officials do offer a warning however that if none of these above mentioned tactics work, you should immediately seek the help of a professional.

Ass Cheeks Gives New Lease On Life

2006-12-13T04:51:00.000-08:00

Being the butt of the joke is nothing new for art teacher Stephen Murmer who was recently suspended from his job after school officials deemed he was setting a bad example for his students.

Murmer's unique painting style however, is garnering him world wide recognition in the art circles and making his pearly white ass quite famous. His technique involves slathering paint on his butt-cheeks and genitals then pressing those areas onto a canvas to create a one-of-a-kind painting.

He came up with this unique style after being asked to use something organic to create a stamp for a class project.

Whereas others in his class used items such as potatoes or other such unimaginative organic materials, Murmer basically used his head in vying for top spot in the creative process.

School officials are devastated by the publicity this has drawn to their campus, but many feel that by suspending Murmer, they brought it on themselves.

A spokeswoman for the school told the press that, 'personnel regulations state that teachers are expected to set an example through their personal conduct' as well as acting as role models for students.

Apparently being an entrepreneur is not something the school district encourages nor do they endorse any kind of 'wise-crackers'.

Murmer's paintings, which sell upwards of $900, are expected to sell like hot cakes.

Quiz Tuesday

2006-12-12T05:56:00.000-08:00

Past Life Quiz

In Your Past Life You Were

A Bullet Proof Vest Tester

Find out your past life at Quizopolis.com

I guess that makes me rather invincible and certainly explains how I've survived raising children.

Find out who you were in a past life and let me know!

Sunday's Chuckle

2006-12-10T15:08:00.000-08:00

SATURDAYS A BUST

2006-12-09T15:43:00.000-08:00

I'm posting this joke because my computer has been off and on all day and several things I was working on are lost now, floating through cyber space somewhere. Enjoy. Hopefully I will be back to normal on Monday.

*********************************************

I was shopping the other day and noticed a little old lady following me around.

I stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at me.

She finally overtook me at the checkout, and she turned to me and said,

"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late daughter."

I answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, I called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at me. Pleased that I had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, I went to pay for my groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much .. I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things too."

Pig Throwing Leads To Jail Time

2006-12-07T12:50:00.000-08:00

In Mississippi today a 20-year-old man was arrested for disturbing the peace after tossing his 60-pound pig over the counter at a Holiday Inn Express.

After being questioned by authorities, Pugh said his wife had been nagging him all morning and he just lost his mind for a minute.

The slight built wife was not injured when she hit the floor but complained of mental fatigue. She said she was more than embarrassed since this was the second time in a month that he threw her over the counter.

Officials have referred Pugh to the mental health department where he will be counseled until his court date later this month.

The wife is expected to file divorce papers.

Gas Leak Forces Airline Down

2006-12-05T04:55:00.001-08:00

Passengers on an American Airlines flight to Texas were questioned and released shortly after their plane, bound for Texas, made an emergency landing in Nashville this morning.

The pilot re-routed the aircraft after reports of a strong sulfur odor filled the cabin.

One woman was detained for questioning after an airport security dog began to sniff around her butt. The dog's handler said these dogs are specifically trained to pick up the scent of any type of gas leak, after which they alert their owners.

"My dog is trained to check luggage for any suspicious odors and I guess this must have been one of those silent deadly types because he's not always this sensitive to this type of gas," he said. "But, a gas leak is a gas leak no matter where it derives from."

Airline maintenance crews confirmed that the woman had lit the matched while the plane was in flight after they found several used matches in the seatback pocket where she had been sitting.

"I farted for Christ's sake so I lit a match," she said. "If you'd seen the look on the guys face next to me, you would have done the same bloody thing."

The woman was not charged but was assigned a different flight to Texas.

Sperm Donor's Flock To 'Come On' By Bank

2006-12-04T04:53:00.000-08:00

With unemployment rates at record highs, many people struggle to find ways to earn a few extra bucks during the holiday season.

Inflation rates, which have steadily continued to increase over the years, tends to put a lot of pressure on consumers, especially parents who strive to make Christmas morning a joyous occasion for their tiny little tots.

One company, whose CEO said their marketing campaign this season has significantly increased their potential for growth, is offering a simple way to earn a little income while spread the joy of giving.

"Donating sperm is the perfect way to brighten the season, not only for the donor whose immense pleasure in giving this way will satisfy a number of senses, it will also allow childless couples to experience the 'pitter-patter of little feet' next Christmas."

One donor who stood in a long line this morning to participate said he was more than willing to give and that the added income would go a long way to make his holidays and possibly someone elses more fruitful.

"I've been called a jerk all my life so this seemed like the perfect opportunity to make a few bucks and live up to my reputation."

When asked what steps he took to prepare to donate, he told reporters that he has abstained from any kind of sexual activity for the past week. He said the hot water bottle tucked neatly between his legs was to ensure that his 'little buggers' stayed warm.

"It's best to keep them comfortable because it's a little chilly this morning," he said. "There's nothing worse than reaching down there and having to search for the frightened, cold turtle."

Donor's can expect to wait about half hour in line, but officials say they have provided enough material inside to make the donation process a quick and easy experience.

Sunday's Chuckle- A Christmas Story

2006-12-03T07:18:00.000-08:00

'Twas the night before Christmas--Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I've busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of "Thanks Santa"--what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money--The reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter,
They say I owe taxes--if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days--they all are the pits
They want the impossible--Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's--No request for them,
They want computers and robots...they think - I'm IBM!

Flying through the air...dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There's no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season

Best Wishes,
Santa

Innovative Gift Gives Gaming Industry A Run For Their Money

2006-12-02T15:13:00.000-08:00

As many parents scramble to find the perfect gift this season, manufacturers are trying to find ways to attract consumers to purchase things other than gaming systems for their children.

"We're hoping this new product will entice kids to get off their fat little asses and spend more time outside," said one insider whose company recently released a product they think will be a hit with both parents and children.

John Deere@, famous for their bright green tractors and heavy equipment, have developed what they think might be the perfect gift this year.

This innovative little lawnmower, which the company has named 'Slashers Revenge', is sure to bring shouts of glee and happiness from the youngsters as they gather round the Hanukkah bush or Christmas tree a few weeks from now.

It's loaded with features including a headlight to allow children to use it both during the day and into the evening. It also comes with an iPod mount on the center console for those tykes who are incapable of doing anything without music blaring in their ears. They've also added an adapter with platform to mount other electronics such as Playstation's PSP or Nintendo's DS systems. The cell phone adapter has a built in speaker allowing users to talk hands free while tending to their mowing chores.

Company officials said they expect this item, priced at $1,700, to go rather quickly and have stepped up production to meet their anticipated demand.

Archdiocese To Pay For The Sins Of The Fathers

2006-12-01T10:02:00.000-08:00

**BREAKING NEWS-LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA**

This holiday season the old phrase 'pass the plate' will have a whole new meaning for those whose chosen religion falls under the wings of the Catholic church.

Yesterdays landmark decision by the largest Roman Catholic archdiocese to settle 45 of the pending 500 lawsuits against the archdiocese in regards to sexual abuse cases has many people nervous as to where the $60 million will come from.

"It's sort of like the pay-at-the-pump, pay-as-you-go theory,' said one disgruntled parishioner. "You take it up the ass back then and you take it up the ass now--either way it's going to come back to what we throw in the collection pot every Sunday."

Last year California legislators passed a state law that suspended the statute of limitations for sexual abuse claims and has received more than a 1,000 claims.

A spokesman for the church, who would speak only under the condition he remain anonymous, said that these monetary settlements should go a long way to help some of the victims recapture the youth that was stolen from them.