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Raising Cain

Now that presidential hopeful, Herman Cain, has announced that he will no longer seek a presidential seat, many are wondering what's next for the man about town.

Some are saying that he'll be back in the saddle before long, only this time, his new on-line presence will be coming from eHarmony.

Baby Boom Related To Presidents Comments

When Obama encouraged mothers to go back to school he inadvertantly set off a strange chain of events. Because unemployment is causing millions of women to remain at home while seeking work, there seems to be a 'baby boom' resurfacing. While Obama did not actually say 'go back to fucking school' that indeed has become the mantra of many families.

For the male counterparts of these stay at home moms the mantra is far different. Struggling through this recession has caused many men to feel that 'fuck me' mentality, which in turn has become the leading cause of what many predict to be the biggest baby boom in years.

Times Getting Tougher

Consumers are always on the lookout for a good deal these days because the economy has tanked.

Economists fear this trend will continue long into the future.

Researchers however have found, that when times get like this people will give up just about anything but their social life.

Retailers are reaching out to their buyers with new impactfull tactics.

Real Friends Count On Each Other

Barbie Celebrates Her 50th Birthday

Anti Terror Group Goes On A Wild Goose Chase

Investigators have released new information about the US Airways jet that went down shortly after takeoff from LaGuardia Airport this month. In the initial report airport officials said the airplane struck a group of wild geese, but further investigation proved they were not just any old geese as first reported.

Migrating from Afghanistan, this particular group known as Osumhave Bin Flyin, have been know to anti-terror groups for a long time now but had thus far been non-active.

The two lone survivors of the ill fated flock were recently spotted near the shores of New Jersey. They have been identified as Osuma Bin Quacker and his side man Osure Ibin Goosed.

Officials say they have a plan to capture them but are waiting for the weather to turn.

"When we catch them their goose will be cooked."

Transportation authorities credit the pilot for saving the passengers and crew. Soft landings are difficult but not impossible as shown in the following video.

Viagra Not A Wise Choice In A Soft Market

Pfizer's attempt to market their potency pill over the counter in Europe has been withdrawn after the European Medicine Agency Committee said it would not solve their 'economic' stimulation woes.

"We feel we've been put between a rock and a hard place."

Those who supported the over-the-counter proposal argue that when a man is feeling good about himself there is a tendency to spend far more money through socializing, dating, and whoring around.

"When a man is that hard pressed he will do anything in a soft market," said an anonymous spokesman for the group.

The little blue pill, which can stimulate a man's penis for up to eight hours, has reached epic sales figures of 1.8 billion dollars in 2007 and is expected to grow as a result of psychological damage caused by what the government has officially reported as a world wide recession.

Twenty Two And Counting

Here she is...at long last...the daughter I've always wanted. She made it to 22!!!!! Yehaw. I am happy she's back, strong, out of the dark, and back into my arms. And some people say dreams don't come true. BALONEY! All you have to do is hang in there folks.

Election Security Bumped Up

For all those heading to the polls tomorrow for what many describe as the most frenzied desperately needed election, you can expect to see a surge in security.

According to officials, undercover police, private security guards, as well as bomb squad members will be placed randomly at polling sites throughout the nation as a means of keeping the process orderly.

Several security breaches have recently been thwarted by keen government agencies and they say they are not willing to take any chances on this monumental day.

"We had these t-shirts printed especially for Tuesday just in case anything goes wrong at any polling place."

[For those of you who cannot read the T-Shirt it says, "I am a bomb technician. It you see me running--try to keep up."]

Foreign Clinic Comes Into Money

A clinic announced today that they will be offering a new service to those women who are dissatisfied with their vagina's.

A spokeswoman for the clinic said it does not matter whether you hurt it in an accident or would just like a few tweaks here and there they can do just about anything.

Some of the procedures include reconfiguring, lessen or widening the circumference, or they can just make it esthetically pleasing. Follow up visits are encouraged to test the results of the surgery.

"We encourage you to come any time you want," said Dr.Matutuwa.

Farting Has Health Benefits

The media has bombarded us with the health benefits of drinking wine on a daily basis, getting in enough exercise to tone the flab, and eating a proper diet to keep the pipes working, and now there is another dietary supplement that scientists say may possibly save your life.

Eating a can of beans or any other product that produces gas may become the new health standard. A recently released study posted on Live Science says that hydrogen sulfide regulates blood pressure and may be used as drug therapy for those whose pressure fluctuates.

"That rotten-egg smell should be taken as a sign of health," officials say. "When farts occur you should be able to see a change in the air pattern similar to when heat hits the pavement."

"We've tested the theory on mice and it seems to prove true," said one unidentified source, adding that if you happen to be in a grocery store on senior shopping day you can see and hear for yourself that many seniors have already discovered the health extending benefits of passing gas without a second thought.

Whitehouse-Outhouse: It's All The Same Crap

A new poll released this week says that nearly every politician feels one step above their constituents.

Even die hard republican fans who have been teetering on the fence as to who their vote will go to during this monumental election are in agreement with Democrats that something has to change.

"We know that we don't want another eight years like we've had," said one unidentified fan. "We are coming to the understanding that if the Republican party is reelected it is quite possible that the 'shit will really hit the fan' this time and we're tired of feeling like crap."

Everyone is scambling to figure out who the best bullshitter is and switching teams seems to be the flavor of the day. Besides, as history has proven we all know Once You Go Black, You Can Never Go Back!

Bailout Bill Reaching Out To Millions

The financial crisis America finds itself in is nothing new. The adopted policy of 'been there, done that' leads everyone to believe that recovery from such monumental debt is doable.

Banking institutions are reaping the benefit of the bailout while citizens are sitting back asking themselves 'what about me'? What they fail to realize is that there is much fine print in this stimulus bill that reaches beyond those who put us in peril of losing everything.

The clause, which was added to ensure fairness, suggests that Viagra be distributed for free to every tax paying citizen. Opponents to this package state that this stimulus package will create a false sense of growth and will likely keep you up at night more so than before the shit hit the fan.

An unidentified spokesman for the government said this was a difficult but necessary decision adding that American's have always been between a rock and a hard place.

Bend Over America...This Is Going To Hurt

Everyone across the nation is waiting for the fallout after government officials passed the new bailout bill to rescue big corporations, including many financial institutions.

It apparently will have no affect on AIG officials who recently spent $440,000 after getting their slice of the pie on a resort get-away to help their managers unwind and destress before jumping back into work.